1. When a woman commits to cooking dinner, she joins a worldwide sisterhood of womanly courage.
Many Americans don’t associate courage with preparing dinner. Clearly, this is a contrived shame of the feminist agenda. Far too many liberals view preparing supper as a perfunctory duty of wifely servitude rather than a beautiful act of faithful submission.
The United States is facing a crisis when it comes to the religious persecution of women with regards to having dinner on the table for her family. Feminists will treat cooking supper as an affront. Atheists will command her to embrace a more secular in approach, urging her to buy a Heavenly Ham instead of baking one on her own. The internet will feign a broken logic, calling her to ‘fix it’ rather than tend the needs of a hungry man. Women receive these negative messages every day. The most destructive forms of negative “dinner fixing feedback” seem to come from social media.
2. Your Facebook and Mommy-blog friends don’t pick out your nursing home.
Studies show that many people on the internet aren’t very nice. When a woman spends all her sunshine on the internet, trying to forward funny pictures of cats or composing the ten thousandth blog entry on the fashions of Mad Men, she begins to neglect her true self. She becomes filled with the vain self-importance of a virtual world.
The same can be said for facebook friends and mommy-blog friends. These enablers seek to replace the spiritual leadership of God and scripture in our lives. They call a woman away from her true calling – a delicious meal prepared for the family.
Women need to use critical thinking when feeling the alluring pull from facebook and social web friends. Will they only pretend to share a no fail recipe for Rumaki and then provide some too salty instructional disaster so you look like a fool in front of the Southern Garden Ladies Council? The truth is, the internet is full of non-friends and non-family. It is wise to value face to face relationships more heavily than the online friend. A husband can provide extra money for that new apron or a salon appointment. All your facebook friends secretly hate you.
3. He’s the father of your children, for pity’s sake.
Even if a wife hasn’t been blessed with children yet, she must take care of her husband to ensure the strength of his seed. It’s all about investing in the future. One of the best ways to do this is to prepare delicious meals and have them ready and waiting when he returns home from work.
Men that rely on cheese puffs and the horrors of potted meats or cereal as an evening meal may not produce the best or strongest swimming sperm for a bright eyed bundle of joy. Happy productive children, free of academic and behavioral issues, have good mothers that ensure meals are timely and nutritious. It all starts with feeding the father properly. So much of the family’s success depends on a woman’s due diligence at mealtime.
4. Preparing meals is a chance to bring out a woman’s inner artist.
Sure a homemaker might use her creative energies to iron pillowcases into decorative origami cranes, but home keeping offers little in the way of artistic license. Cooking and meal preparation is a time to let that inner Michelangelo out for a run.
Smart moms will bring faith to life by deftly cutting out a Noah’s ark from a won ton noodle (or puff pastry) and adding animal shaped crackers to chicken soup.
Adding a face to meats is a fun way to show kids that not all food grows on trees and seems to desensitize them to the vegetarian threat later in life.
One favorite presentation is to make banana “advent candles” leading up to Christmas. We served these to the delight of some non-Christians. Oh how they laughed with true joy. As disciples we need to use all our talents to bring the good news to heathen savages.5. A man will starve to death, or worse – catch the gay, if left on his own to prepare a meal.
It happens in even the most stable households. Sometimes a man might need to prepare a sandwich or cheese and crackers as a light snack. While between meal needs are usually due to strenuous activities and exertions, these are the trials that test a marriage.
Some men are very accomplished cooks. As with all sin, the glamorous notion of a man toiling over a stove is not the whole story. A man that can prepare his own meals will not be satisfied with those a dutiful wife prepares. Comparisons will be made; options weighed and measured. He might prefer his fancy French onion soup over her canned soup chipped beef on toast points. His eyes might stare through her begrudgingly as she ladles lime Jell-O with pineapple rings and cottage cheese on a lettuce leaf. She might begin to doubt herself, her choices. He might yearn for spicy foods like a broiled South American lamb chop wearing a man-thong sausage sack. These things are unknown to her.
Allowing your man to cook his own meals is to season the marital sauce with tears, Ladies. Don’t do it. Also, grilling is not really cooking, so that is okay with proper supervision.6. Preparing a delicious meal makes Jesus smile.
Of course some husbands go by the name Hank, but a fair number have the name Jesus and even Abraham. The point is a man feels important when he walks into his castle and is greeted with a cold beverage and the sultry aroma of a great meal. Happy is the man that can count a fine cooking wife as a blessing.
7. He is more likely to fall asleep, sometimes called a ‘food coma’, on a full stomach. This leaves the television remote available for unhindered viewing of Dancing with the Stars or a QVC Special.
While this should never be the primary reason for preparing a hearty meal, a secondary benefit of preparing a delicious dinner of 30% brown meats, 50% white or cheesy foods and 20% colored vegetables is the ‘food coma’. When the male physical form is loaded down with great home cooking, the muscles of the body relax and relish the gift it has received. Appetite is sated as demand signals from the brain’s pleasure centers are deadened and become quiet.
Cranial scans performed in important universities show that the brain waves in the well fed husband are similar to those in a sleepy baby. For women interested in single subject behavioral research models, try hugging the husband and gently patting his back after a hearty meal and before he retires in front of the television. Record the time it takes for him to nod off as well as noting qualitative observations like droopy eyes, snoring and nasal whistles. Repeat the experiment without the patting and hug and compare readings. 98% of women will find that he will begin sleep cycles more easily with the hug and pat. The 2% that find it doesn’t work may be married to a latently gay man. Call a doctor for further testing.
8. Like pets, children and husbands with full bellies are less likely to seek mischief or wander off.
Some behaviorists suggest that whoring husbands and tattooed gothic children both suffer from mealtime neglect and nutritional stagnation. Relying on fast foods due to a ‘working mom’ or one of those ‘I’m-going-back-to-get-my-degree’ midlife crises mothers, these poor little lost souls seek adventure and mischief in the arms of danger.
Mealtime provides a stable transition from the day’s activities and a winding down period for busy families. When the transition signal is absent, children and husbands experience whipsawed confusion. They may wander aimlessly and become another crime statistic. Children without stable mealtimes in the home are more likely to over value peer approval, prostitute their bodies and do poorly on high stakes testing. Men are more likely to whore about, finding comfort in the arms of ham-and-cheese harlots.
If a woman must take that job as a part time grocery cashier for the family finances, she would be wise to schedule and maintain mealtimes as a priority. This is why the Lord provided us with crockpots and slow cookers.
9. Watching him eat is an appetite suppressant.
Some women revile cooking because they feel it will lead to overeating and weight gain. This is a legitimate concern. This is why women should always sit across from a man while he eats. If watching him shovel, mixing his corn and potatoes, bits of juice making his mustache glisten with greasy luminosity isn’t enough to keep a gal inspired to stay thin, the bubbling processing afterwards will. It sounds like marbles in a pvc pipe.
10. A man with a full stomach is less likely to impregnate females.
Women don’t need contraceptions; they need to cook dinner for their husbands.
It is nearly impossible for a man to impregnate a woman no sooner than two hours after a healthy meal. The sleepy goodness that overtakes a man extends to his little swimmers. They become fat and lazy, like tadpoles stranded on a mud flat. It takes almost two hours for them to perk up. As men age, this sleepy time becomes longer.
I should note that hungry men have very industrious sperm.
11. Women are ‘hard-wired’ to cook and care for men.
Women’s brains and souls are constructed to care for their husbands. This doesn’t mean she needs to take care of other men. It does mean she will compete with other women in a race to get dinner on the table. This trend has started to sprout a grass roots following among both conservative good women and their loopy liberal counterparts.
What is disturbing about these “tell us how hard it is to make supper” contests is that they start to sound like “who can whine the loudest” problem admiration societies. Maybe the biggest problem with getting dinner on the table for these gals is getting off the computer, stop cryin’ about how ‘busy’ you are and make some supper! Why do some women need a contest for this? I entered glorious reason number 12 as my ‘essay’ for the contest. I can’t wait for my meal makeover.
12. Preparing supper every single day, day in and day out, increases a woman’s self-esteem with a measurable goal in life.
While certainly not worth bragging about, I personally have provided a hot delicious evening meal, on time and without fail 3,435 days in a row. By meal or dinner, I mean meat, potatoes, a small salad, vegetables and dessert. I have a small light up board in the kitchen that keeps count. It is a real source of pride for my husband and our family. I still burn from shame the last day I missed preparing supper. It was the same day I gave birth to our youngest. With the first I was able to sneak home and slip a frozen casserole in the oven. Since our second child was born around supper time, I was just too occupied. My priorities were confused. My previous record fell in disgrace.
13. The number one reason husbands forget anniversaries and birthdays is inadequate attention at home.
99% of men that forget anniversaries don’t have regular meals prepared by a wife. Men love attention. Men’s stomachs love attention. Young, old, gimpy or fit – a man will relish the attention of a woman’s cooking. Many times a man cannot express his needs clearly and will lash out with passive aggressive behaviors. Casually forgetting a birthday or anniversary, he is sending his lady love a message – LOVE ME! Women should put down their cruel and selfish ways and stop for a moment each day to prepare a nice meal for their husband. While many attribute forgetfulness for birthdays as a Y chromosome trait, the cause is more behavioral and preventable. Don’t let the man in your life become a statistic.
14. All women, no matter their obvious physical flaws, look terrific in an apron.
Every woman has some physical flaw she would like to change. A little more jiggle to the hip or twin dimples at the small of her back are common complaints. Rather than fret, she should wear an apron.
Aprons are slimming. With pleats and gathering, a woman with little shape appears appealingly curvaceous. A woman with a little plumpness also benefits. With a cinched tie, waistlines are miraculously svelte. A pretty print can highlight a twinkle of eye color and bring warmth to sallow complexions. The humble apron is a gal’s best beauty aid.
Dionne Von Furstenberg used the miracle of the apron for her popular ‘wrap dress’ which is a timeless classic. It just looks great on everyone. Smart ladies know this is just a fancy apron with a back panel. Of course it goes without saying that the only reason to wear such a dress is to prepare a meal or let the other ladies of the fellowship know you’re prepared to spring into cooking action at a moment’s notice.
15. Slaving over a hot stove leads to a radiant complexion.
Why salons offering expensive steam facials are popular is beyond me. A woman has everything she needs to have a fresh faced complexion and tiny pores right in her own home. Preparing dinner for the family endows a woman with a special glow. It is all about love.
A woman radiates when she has put aside silly tasks and prepares dinner for the family. Her skin glows with warmth and affection as she removes delicious casseroles and roasted meats from the stove. More than just the heat and moisturizing natural emollients from airborne fats are at work here. She is reaching her potential as a woman.
16. Preparing dinner is an opportunity to convey traditions and cultural knowledge.
Dinnertime is a great opportunity for discussion and great conversations. While the Beecham household always shies away from controversial topics at the dinner table, sometimes when the kids are off at camp we have frank adult discourse. After dinner is a great time to bring up confusing cultural aspects of the news. Same sex marriage is one topic that is adults only in our home.
With all this same sex marriage talk, I admit that I was confused. Marriage is already same sex because the sex is the same all the time. After a delicious dinner, Mister explained to me that men will marry other men and that is the reason it is called same sex marriage. Since men like pretty much the same things sexually, this nomenclature makes sense. I don’t know why men would want to marry each other because I think they would need two televisions so they wouldn’t fight over the remote.
Eating a meal and adhering to time tested and proven gender roles in the family prepares the next generation for protecting marriage and promotes healthy lifestyles. In our home, we have rules that extend far beyond the popular “don’t stick your tongue in the ketchup bottle” Napoleonic code. Females serve the men. Men do not touch any plates other than their own. The reason for this is clear. Given their busy lives, men and boys sometimes will forget to wash their hands after using the facilities. When they do wash, they will sometimes refuse to use the hibiclens before meals.
17. Only whores make sandwiches or a light salad for supper.
It should be clear that nice girls cook full meals for their husbands. Whores make sandwiches.
The only time a good wife should make a sandwich for her husband is if they plan to have sex and maybe a larger meal later. Even then, many pastors recommend waiting two to three hours to avoid cramping and lazy pre-embryonic sperm.
18. Having dinner on the table is a spiritual encounter for women.
Food selection and preparation is something women all over the globe have done for nearly 6,000 years. More than just serving up slop to the gaping maws of related individuals, she sets the tone and tempo of the family unit. For most of the world’s religions, it is a time to give thanks and enjoy the blessings of each other’s company. This is sacred work for women. No one should put asunder women’s rights of religious freedom with their feminist spittle and ire.
The body is a temple. Mothers and wives should not allow others to defile their families with sin, salty foods and needless sugars. She’s doing the work of Jesus here, people. Don’t block the Jesus with your negative feelings and personal agenda.
19. Cooking is fun!