Shock and horror continues to fill the streets of Miami. Children have been pulled from summer school and men are fastening the shutters to their homes shut with 2 x 4s. Women can only hope that their families are not the next to be victimized in what we in the media are calling the 2012 Zombie Apocalypse.
The terrifying stories of men having their face eaten off in mid street and college women, their wombs being eaten right out all along the South Beach area are growing in number. Only two days ago, a homeless man had his face eaten off. And yesterday, MTV had a reality show where two women claimed their friends were ‘eaten out’ by a pack of wild-eyed college boys. Parents must take heed: lock up your college students this summer and don’t let them go to Florida: the zombie apocalypse is there.
High Zombiefarian Priest Matteus Ball (center) poses with his Unholy 12 Aphrodites of the Undead, in Veil of the White Horse, United Kingdom. Matteus has happened upon a new form of power that makes the witchcraft of JRK Tolkien’s Harry Potter and sparkly Twilight Black Veil Bride neckbiting teens look like a wide-eyed Easter Bunny. The new threat for 2012 is zombies and Matteus is proving to be the harbringer.
Reasearchers into this bizarre phenomena have found the ancient hippie drug LSD involved in turning the brain of a normal human into that of a flesh eating monster.
John Hopkins affiliate Charlies deBrag cites, “It is uncanny. In every suspected zombie in Florida right now, we’ve found traces of the drug LSD has — by some viral vector perhaps — infused itself right into the synapses of the brain. It is as if some virus is controlling every movement of the body.”
The reports of deBrag seem to fit the reports our Eurozone ChristWire teams are finding. When our international interns attempted to gain access to Matteus’ extravagant castle in the outskirts of Veil of the White Horse, they were instantly set upon by dogs who ‘did not bark or bite, but only stared and foamed at the mouth.’
Niles Cooper, Christwire intern at Oxford University, continued, “The dogs surrounded our car immediately. It wouldn’t start because it’s a banger, and we couldn’t get out to check under the bonnet. Then in the distance, 13 figures appeared. There was a thick fog and it was midday. They looked dead, the lot of them. Right out of a horror film. The banger finally started and we got away, I’m not going back. It was not right.”
Since Matteus Ball started his experiments in late 2010, things such as the Mexican Zombie Flu, the Greek riots and dead celebrities sightings have increased. While insiders claim the Matteus seems to only be a high priest of sorts, others wonder if this man is a brilliant scientist who is working with the government to create a new breed of undead. Or even scarier, a high priest of Satanic undead?
When we read every report, it seems these new Zombie Apocalypse have 5 degrees of seperation before his name is mentioned as an origin point. It seems we have found the man responsible for these things and again, we will be reaching out to him for an interview and this time, we will ensure our intern teams are better prepared and have security with them.