May 28th, Memorial Day. I was amazed at how many people showed up for my annual barbecue that were not regular Christwire faithful. It was still an amazing time, even though some naysayers showed up and tried to “throw salt in my game”. Everybody eventually settled down and started to enjoy the party, after all, it was a celebration of the men and women who have lost their lives fighting for our freedoms. Every American can agree on the fact that they deserve our support, even if you are a Liberal Democrat or a Conservative Republican, everyone knows that the troops are doing their jobs for us. Obama is just sending them out to places like Libya and Syria for his own goals, but we still need to support what they are doing for our freedom, and that is what this BBQ was about. WE LOVE OUR TROOPS!
Every year we have had a small, intimate gathering with just the members of the Christwire Fellowship, but this year I though we should incorporate our yearly awards show and the BBQ into one event, so I invited everybody that logged on to Christwire in the last year. I apologize if some of you didn’t get an e-mail notice, but that is your own fault for using fake e-mail addresses and not becoming my friend on Facebooks, maybe next year.
We had a Star studded list at my home this year, thanks to the popularity of the Christwire Handbook and the fact that we are the #1 most respected news source on the planet. This years guests included celebrities such as female superstar Justin Bieber and her girlfriend Selena Gomez (We don’t discriminate), Kanye West and a box of fishsticks, for some reason, and Lil Jon (you might remember him from being a rapper in the late 90s, I think Militant Negro brought him to the party). Beyond those “Celebrities”, we had Sister Susan, August Weisz, Tyson Bowers III, Mike Watson, Bryan Blake, Alex Keating, Julian Taylor, Ambassador Henry from the Ivory Coast, Rev. Billy Ray, Annabelle Koch, Militant Negro and, of course, Pastor Jack Gould who delivered a rousing sermon at the end of the evening. We all missed Abe Goodman, but our prayers went out to him and his family before we ate the glorious meal that my cooks prepared for us, plus the ambrosia salad that Sister Blanche brought, and the amazing rhubarb pies that Sister Susan baked.
We even had a few of the naysayers show up. I didn’t believe my security team when they announced, Ms. Claire Snedeker, Law, Ouroboros (still wouldn’t give his real name, but was just as nice in person as he is on the Holy Site), and Sarah aka CelestialDeth (No, she didn’t shoot me in the face).
We had a lot of fun events throughout the day like a sack race, a treasure hunt and making macaroni pictures. After it turned 8pm, we put all the children who were under 18 to bed, and we started the Christwire Awards show. The “Christies”, as they are known, support all of Christwire whether it be a regular contributor or a constant naysayer. We gave away over 50 awards that night. I will list a few of the major ones below.
Best Emosexual Saver: Sister Susan
Best Video Game Reviewer: Tyson Bowers III
Lifetime Achievement Award: Stephenson Billings
Most Comments on a Single Article: L.N.
Worst Comment Ever: L.N.
Strangest Comment Ever: L.N.
Most Unstable: Claire Snedeker and L.N. (tie)
Filthiest Comment: Claire Snedeker
Best Naysayer: Ouroboros
Most Ridiculous Newcomer: Sarah aka CelestialDeth
Favorite Newcomer: Ouroboros
Those are just a few of the awards we gave out, but the acceptance speeches were amazing. I will give you some excerpts of them here:
Sister Susan gave an amazing quote that I believe Andy Beersack will use at his own funeral next year. She said “This young emosexual whorelot has proven to me that an attractive woman wearing too much make-up can make teens do whatever she tells them”. It was beautiful, poignant and true.
Deacon Tyson spoke about his love of wholesome video games like King’s Quest and Pitfall which teach you about the dangers of the world.
L.N. and Claire’s acceptance speech had to be cut off because L.N’s was just a non-stop babbling of curse words that even a sailor couldn’t understand, and Claire tried to stick one of her fornication toys in her sin cave (my security needs to pat people down more like the TSA, I guess).
Ouroboros gave a heart felt and gracious acceptance speech. He was thankful to all his friends in the Christwire Fellowship, and even gave a special “shout-out” to August for mentoring him in his troubled youth. It was very touching.
The only sad moment of the evening was when it started raining (I live in Oregon), and Claire decided to just put on her rain poncho, instead of coming in the house with everyone else. The police found her in a grocery store parking lot 14 blocks away. Thankfully, I had notified them of certain types of people coming to the BBQ, so they called me to pick her up instead of taking her to jail. This is what I saw when I pulled into the grocery store’s parking lot:
Thank you to everybody who came to the BBQ. I hope my maids cleaned up well enough for you (if not, I will be firing them and getting them deported back to Mexico). I believe that this BBQ just shows us all, we can all get along. We need to have peace and understanding of each other on this Holy site. I will continue praying for all of you, especially the naysayers. God bless you, and God bless our troops!