Mr. and Mrs. Alan Hanratty of Denton announce the engagement of their daughter, Monica, to Lindsey Buchannan, daughter of Ronald and Leslie Buchannan of New York City. The wedding will be held on the island of Manhattan on September 17 in a private ceremony. After the nuptials, guests will be treated to a buffet of locusts, frogs, and flies followed by a plague of boils, hail, darkness, lice, and the death of all first born children. These Biblical plagues come compliments of the wrath of God.
Dr. Holstein Sanderson of Louisville is repulsed to announce the pending nuptials of his only son, Holstein Sanderson, Jr. to Martin Green, Psy.D. The “ceremony” is to take place October 1st in South Beach on the white sand near the water so blue “it blends with Martin’s eyes.” Dr. Sanderson was quoted as saying that “Junior’s mother is rolling over in her grave.” To this he added, “And I’m ready to join her.” Dr. Sanderson expects the flood waters to rise from the ocean and swallow up the entire wedding party. He encourages all gay rights’ activists to attend.
Ray Melendez and Robert Valesquez of Oklahoma City would like to proudly announce their wedding in Las Vegas this past weekend. The post-ceremony celebration consisted of the weirdest weather seen in Sin City in modern times. Attendees experienced a 6.0 earthquake and several tornadoes, accompanied by an inexplicable hurricane (nicknamed “Raybert” in honor of the grooms). Through it all, Ray and Robert clung to each other and proclaimed their ever-lasting love. As Robert said later, “That crazy God, man, He put up quite the fight. But, in the end, I think he admired our commitment to each other. All in all, it made for a memorable wedding day!” Robert’s mother, Esmerelda Valesquez agreed, adding “¡Dios mio! I told God He better make this up to my baby. Throwing such a temper tantrum is not the way to behave when two people love each other. And the next day He allowed me to win five-hundred bucks at Blackjack! ¡Alabado sea Dios!”