Several months ago, we received reports from our sources that Justin Bieber was pregnant and that he was using body doubles to keep up public appearances. Though a man being pregnant is against natural order, it is not impossible with the power of modern devil science called ‘genetics’.
Using genetics, a man can have his lifesauce sloshed around the duodenum of another man and have a child grow in the intestinal womb, and then the sin child can fecalfist its way out which a gay dad likes anyway. Gay child births must be the most bizarre things to witness and it’s sad that men can poopsed out babies this day and age.
In the home photograph at left, we can see Justin Bieber posing and showing off his baby bump. Our first factual guess was that Usher was likely the baby daddy. It seemed very fitting this would be true, considering all the tension Usher has had over the last few months: he’s had problems with his wife Jada, he slapped a reporter at the premier for Men in Black III and his daughter from his real marriage has an infatuation with shaving her hair every other week.
But Usher apparently called up to Maury Povic and demanded a paternity test, because today the first photos of Justin Bieber’s child were leaked and it is pretty clear who is the ‘baby daddy’.
Before looking at the picture, it’s important to know a bit more about how gay pregnancy takes place.
First, the couple must decide who is going to carry the sin child. Our sources tell us the ‘power bottom’ usually designates himself to be the mommy and geneticists begin to prepare his intestinal ‘womb’.
There is a part of the intestines called the duodenum. Here, scientists take birth eggs from a woman’s incubator sac and implant them. While a woman usually has only one egg in her a month, scientists help gays by planting 50 or so. They even remove the outer shell to the egg, so that it can become more fertile and more likely to become pregnant with sin.
The gay couple is then free to have their nasty bed time and eventually, one of the eggs becomes pregnant when the homoliquid treks through the intestinal muck to its target in the duodenum. The problem scientists have not overcome is that as the homonculus travels from the thrusty top (the opposite of power bottom), it picks up all sorts of bacterial infections and gay disease from the bottom’s intestinal track.
These bacteria multiply quickly and force the resulting blastocyst that forms in the gay’s duodenum to age quickly and fast, like a bacteria. From all twenty or so homosexually born children in the world, it seems they age 2 years for every normal child’s 1 day. The love child between Justin Bieber (who we are assuming was the bottom) and Fifty Cent is about 10 days old in normal years, or 20 years old in gay borne years.
Below you can see the child passes the Maury Povic Baby Daddy test. He has the eyebrow, eyes and smile of fifty cent, yet the lesbian haircut that only Justin Bieber can grow. It’s uncanny how much he looks like his parents.