Under continued pressure to win more votes as Mitt Romney comes closer to making his polygamous Mormonism the face of the Republican party, and President Obama publicly stating his preference for sodomy as an election year fundraising ploy, Dr. Ron Paul (R-Texas) this week fought back with the most disgusting display of sexual politcal advocacy yet.
“Today we will unleash our new sexual revolution based upon the Austrian economic laissez faire model,” Paul told supporters at a campaign rally in Texas. “Why are we pumping millions of dollars in subsidies into Planned Parenthood when we could be letting people keep their own money and actually have children, which would stimulate the economy? I delivered thousands of babies without government assistance back before the government was subsidizing abortions and birth control. If President Obama were going to shovel billions of dollars in government debt on the backs of our children, the least he could do is to stop promoting their unborn murder at the hands of whores and prostitutes!”
The policy is not a total shocker, considering the owner and workers at the Famed Bunny ranch had already endorsed Dr. Paul for President earlier this year. However, considering Paul was touting himself as the only real “conservative” in the race following the suspension of his campaign by Rick Santorum, the move has been viewed as desperate by some.
Dr. Paul told supporters his new plan will have 2 prongs. The first plan prong will include more sex so that people will actually be reproducing more and there will be more people alive in the U.S. in the future to experience the hard fought freedoms Americans have, including having a one in two chance of actually paying federal income tax. The second prong will include vast experimentation with homosexuality, bisexuality, tranvestitism, transgenderism, beastiality and all other manner of sexual deviancy in order to stimulate the sagging economy with sales of supplies and toys needed for such experimentation.
Members of the press were given copies of his new plan titled, “Laissez Faire Sexual Revolution: How we must promote free market sex in the United States to Prevent Complete Economic Collapse.” While promoting a new, larger generation of Americans in order to help stimulate the economy and have a population with which to pay down the increasing debt, reporters became somewhat skeptical under the 5th Chapter, “Alternatives to Traditional Sexuality also Stimulate Economic Activity.”
In this chapter, Dr. Paul strays from his CHRISTian roots in when he says, “All manner of sexuality must be not only explored, but encouraged in trying to help get America back on proper footing. While homosexuality has traditionally not produced children, it has produced billions in tax revenue since homosexual couples not only make more than the average heterosexual, but have much more disposable income. As a medical doctor I can vouch that although anal sex may hurt at first, proper amounts of lubricant and breathing will eventually make it become pleasurable. You’re been getting fucked by the 2 party system for long enough, it really shouldn’t hurt at all by now.”
Dr. Paul continues, “Orgies and non-conventional sex often require large amounts of extra supplies such as water, oil and silicon based lubricants, dildos, vibrators, chains, whips, anal beads and any other kind of sexual toy you can insert into yourself or your multiple partners. Butt plugs and gender reassignment surgeries are huge untapped resources in terms of tax revenue. Why are we spending so much time trying to soak the rich with higher tax rates when we could just be taxing the things the rich have enough money to buy more of? Any poor redneck person from Texas can tell you that silicon anal lube is a luxury only those living high on the hog can afford!”
Paul has taken criticism from many in the establishment wing of the Republican party for extorting the delegate gathering process despite his ability to actually win voters in the primaries and caucases to his radical, extremist views. Mrs. Monah Charen was at the Minnesota state convention and recounted an encounter with a Paul supporter who has recently tried to implement Dr. Paul’s new economic philosophy at the gathering.
“I was standing next to a woman who had a Ron Paul 2012 shirt on when I overheard her talking strategy. I told her that she didn’t deserve to be a delegate because Dr. Paul had lost the primary votes. She turned to me and said, ‘It’s not about the votes, cunt! It’s about the delegates!’ She then glanced at my posterior and said, ‘Although I wouldn’t mind Dele-getting a piece of that ASS!’ I was appalled! How dare these sexual degenerates try to infiltrate our righteous party in the name of free markets and free love!”
In order to try and prevent Ron Paul supporters from trying shenanigans at the state conventions, they have been secretly replacing covers of the Book of Mormon with the torn off covers of “Roberts Rule of Order,” to confuse Paul activists who may be trying to use procedure rules and tricks in delegate votes. Anecdotal evidence and rumors have been common when Paul supporters’ hands actually burn or even burst into flames upon contact with the tome of the Latter Day Saints. It is well known that although Paul and his supporters sometime claim to be God-fearing CHRISTians, they are usually atheists who use their chameleon-like political prowess and inability to feel any guilt about dishonesty to infiltrate local and state politics to eventually “come out” (often in a style similar to American homosexuals) at the most politically ripe time to get their political Messiah into a position of maximum power. Many political observers have likened Dr. Paul’s strategy to that of Al-Qaeda sleeper cells within the Republican party body politic.
All God-fearing CHRISTians are encouraged to be on the look-out for such tactics and refrain from Dr. Paul’s unorthodox sexual suggestions.