• Russians Forced to Dump Holy Water on Emo Band Pussy Riot

    May 2, 2012 8:46 am 17 comments

    ChristWire High Priests of Republican Virtue, Carlos Espinosa-Jocim and Elias Watson travelled from Spain to communist Russia, where visibly disturbed Vladmir Putin asked for ChristWire blessed holy water to be splashed all over the heaving, bouncy bodies from the raver sin band Pussy Riot.  The name of the band tells what they are all about and their ‘free love sin rave orgies’, with all the glow candies and liquified marijuana drinks lead to a 80% jump in STD for all Russians younger than 32 years of age.

    Unfortunately, Pussy Riot was so drenched in sin since it formed in the 80s all the women where immune to the water, forcing Russia to throw them into a gulag buried deep underground.

    The Russian communists were forced to dump holy water on emo band Pussy Riot.  Even in a land where they refuse to burn their communist lord and pinko Beatle’s beatnik singer John Lenin’s body so he can be judged by God, they realize that emosexual bands are a dangerous influence to the children of their nation.

    Say what you will about the Soviet Union, but they never raise wimpy men.  Sure, the men may love free health care and refuse to have Bible study with their family, but they know the value of hard work and always wear tough clothing.  Do not forget, the Russians were second only to America during the 1980s.  A nation full of wimps could not pull off such an amazing feat.

    But as time has gone on and Ronald Reagan smacked Russia’s economy back to a third world status, America got lazy.  Parents forgot the toughest lessons of the Cold War:  never let your guard down and at a moment’s notice, your sons must be ready to defend this country.

    If the Ruskies invaded America, do you think a nation full of boys who wear black makeups and leather hot pants could counter a Soviet invasion with a ragtag minuteman group they named the Wolverines:

    In this boxing match, the retired American hero Apollo Creed is killed by the fists of a common Soviet Russian. Every house in the USSR has about 5 of these ‘little guys’ running around. This Ivan Drago boy was only 18-years-old and reportedly malnourished as a kid. Do you think scrawny guys who fawn over Black Veil Brides, refuse to eat steak and want to be sparkly Edward Cullen neckbiters could really counter this:

    In a world where our sons could one day have to face the Russians again, we must protect them from harmful cultural threats. The Russians are rebuilding and gearing up for Cold War II. Great wars always happen in two. It was around 30 years between WWI and WWII, so we are due for another great war any time now.

    We’ve received word that after the fall of Pussy Riot, the band changed its name to more easily infiltrate the US with its music. We will investigate this angle and track the band down, interview them and reveal with their true agenda is for America.

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    Abe If you don't like what you just read here you can just get out of my country. Now how about that smart-alack. Follow me on twitters. Poke me as your New Friend on Facebook!!

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