The obesity problem in the US is facing near super-sized proportions. As a world comparative, the US ranks number six in a global list of fattest nations. It’s time to start exporting our problems to other lands and cultures that can appreciate the inflated, pre-diabetic beauty of America’s fat women. Instead of admiring the problem, our nation needs to do something about it. That something is called mandatory self-deportation, my friend.
America needs to retain her beauty as a nation. While self-deportation has addressed the recent ugliness of immigration, the same solution can be applied to our other national problems. If we want to see dramatic decreases in the costs to our healthcare and social systems, we must export our obesity problems before they overtake the nation and destroy the foundation of our country – marriage.
Overweight women are the primary causes of male depression (43%), masturbation (52%), pornography (89%) and homosexuality (39.28%). Weight gain during marriage is one of the more common crimes against marriage (marriage crime number 26, after murdering of a spouse), but is the number one cause of secondary crimes against marriage like whoring and facebook fiddle faddling, commonly known as poor housekeeping.
God is their belly.” [Phil. 3:19]
From scriptural law we need a “Lady Liberty Health Recovery” law that makes female obesity a crime and calls for mandatory self-deportation for all women with a body mass index greater than 20.
Top Ten Destinations for Self Deportation
Tonga is only third in the world for morbid obesity and seeks to reclaim its former global girth standing. Seating is limited on these tiny island nations, making Tonga number ten on the list of top destinations for mandatory self-deportation of obese illegals.9. New Zealand – Save Australian Topless Beaches
New Zealand has a relatively low obesity rate of 26.5% amongst adults compared to the US (33.9%), but few Kiwis would dare compare themselves to Yankees. Compared to Australians, with an adult obesity rate of 16.4%, New Zealanders are the fattest Hobbits inhabiting middle earth.
According to the Australian topless Beach Preservation and Tourism Council, New Zealand is a perfect haven for obese American women.8. South Africa – Don’t Say Fat
Due to HIV, the image of a skinny woman conveys disease in South Africa. Overweight women have become prized for not only the image of wealth, but oddly health. Obesity rates in South Africa have steadily grown to nearly 60% as a cultural response to decades of AIDS related thinness. In South Africa, the word ‘obesity’ is rarely used. Women with BMI above 20 or 30 are referred to as “over nutritioned.”
Cape Town, South Africa is one of the most beautiful cities in the world, outside the United States.7. Jamaica – Steatopygian Paradise
The island of Jamaica already has a romantic reputation, but for overweight females it couldn’t be more welcoming. Years of avoiding the beach are over for ladies that self deport to this paradise. Muffin tops, mons of venus hangover and back boobage are seen as ideals to strive for, not something to encase in spandex like a sausage.
6. Canada – The Very White Northern Experiment
“With nearly 65% of Jamaican females classified as obese, the ideal beach body is nearly twice its medically-appropriate size. In this island nation particular emphasis is placed on generous hips and hindquarters, a condition known as steatopygia. A 1993 study conducted in rural Jamaica associated thinness with sadness but heaviness with happiness, kindness and social harmony. There is also a burgeoning pill market which caters to young women desiring to gain weight.”
While obesity rates for the US (33.9%) and Canada (23.1%) have both grown rapidly in the past decade, a 10-11% gap remains constant. Researchers have hypothesized the reason for this gap is that the US has too many African-American women. Many have scoffed this claim with cries of “prove it.”
A national research campaign, sponsored by the National Organization for Marriage, could subtly encourage the repatriation of overweight African-American women into overweight African-Canadian women. NOM is comfortable with race bating strategies that serve to preserve marriage in the US and could use this to expand its marriage saving US efforts to Canada as well.5. Afghanistan – Hey its Sunny
Afghanistan is a harsh, barren environment where a soft, pillowy woman is prized. Perhaps due to the nomadic existence, a woman with a few pounds is worth a second look.
The principal women’s fashion trend is the burqua, which provides not only coverage and modesty, but acts as a personal sauna to leech toxins.
Overweight women seeking a spa like atmosphere and exotic swarthy men might find self-deportation to Afghanistan a delight.4. Tahiti – Not Tahini
Well-rounded describes the people of Tahiti. The Winward islands of Tahiti are round like the adored faces of the women lucky enough to reside on these lush tropical islands. An obesity rate of 40.9% makes this a happy destination for the chunkier ladies.
This French Polynesian island nation is host to the native practice of ha’apori, literally meaning “to fatten.” Young women must pass strict guidelines for pinch-more-than-an-inch corpulence and fertility. Island chieftains lead the fatty festivals that celebrate these notions of beauty and promote the island diet rich in carbohydrates and coconut milk. No Tahini or sprout salads for these lucky gals.3. Kuwait – La-lulu-loo-lu-lu-lu!
The vision of burqua clad women atop a bridge in Kuwait happily making nomadic hog calls and shooting rifles into the air is one many remember as part of operation Desert Storm. Much has changed since this nation’s liberation.
Boasting one of the world highest per capita incomes and an obesity rate of 28.8% the harem prevails in this tiny nation. Oil Sheiks seek large opulent women to fill their large opulent homes. Pleasingly obese wives that love eyeliner and excess might find Kuwait the perfect place to indulge, since exercise is frowned upon as taboo. Texas heifers might find this nation to be just like home!2. Mauritania – West Coast Living
Some say life in Mauritania is like life on the set of “Housewives of Atlanta” only classier. This West African nation may be draught ridden, but overweight women are placed on high pedestals of honor. The practice of “gavage” mimics the fattening of geese for liver harvesting. Young women sup on fat dense camel milk to gain weight and retain cultural beauty.
Athleticism and treadmills are unheard of in this nation, since the plumper female form is ideal. Pre-wedding fat farms of Mauritania are not sweaty affairs of hiking and missed meals. Massage, antihistamines and animal steroids aid brides in packing on the pounds before walking down the aisle. Divorce in this coastal nation is high since women oftentimes lose weight after childbirth. American obese women could form a true peace corps to bring marriage sustainability with their vast knowledge in the area of post-childbirth weight retention.1. Samoa – It’s Genetic
With an obesity rate of 74.6%, Samoa is not only the name of a deliciously fat Girl Scout cookie, it is the number one destination for fatter women.
Samoa has it all. Cultural opinion leans toward admiration of large women. Healthy diets have been largely eliminated after WWII. In addition, biological anthropologists have discovered that due to fast and famine through the centuries has pre-disposed the Samoan peoples to obesity! It really is genetic!