The vast majority of Americans really don’t think about Canada that much. Why would they? Isn’t it just an arctic wasteland, sparsely populated by uneducated hunter-gatherers who sit shivering in their igloos smoking marijuana and arguing about the price of beaver pelts? Well, yes it is.
However, in recent times America has had little choice but to think about the Middle East – a veritable furnace, where inhuman temperatures, frequently above 130 degrees are the norm.
You might imagine that these two very different worlds have little or nothing in common. Your imagination would be absolutely wrong. Most of the worlds oil comes from the Middle East and this has made the region fantastically rich. This over-abundance of oil money has given some arabs bizarre fantasies. One of these extraordinary fantasies is the ability to ski in temperatures that can roast a whole chicken in minutes. It’s now believed by US intelligence that Canadians were heavily involved in the construction of an indoor ski slope in a shopping mall in the United Arab Emirate of Dubai.
This recently de-classified video shows it quite clearly. It’s chilling, in more ways than one.
Intelligence prior to February 3rd 2011 is sketchy but it’s thought that it was with this complicated construction project that ‘first contact’ was made.
On 2/3/11, a US listening facility in Doha, Saudi Arabia intercepted and recorded what seemed to be just another phone call out of Iran, but this one was headed for Canada and so our vigilant agents correctly paid closer attention to this unusual activity.
The phone call was made by one Abdel Malek Al-Shishwani from downtown Tehran to a Mr. Albert Trudeau in Montreal. At 11.34am Canada time, Trudeau picked up, and Canadas fate was sealed. In a heavy, almost comical French accent he and the equally heavily-accented but far from comical Al-Shishwani had the following conversation…
Trudeau: ‘Allo? Who dat?
Al-Shishwani: Who do you think?
Trudeau: It’s you, Jean-Claude?
Al-Shishwani: Do I sound like… Guess again you idiot.
Trudeau: Ah, OK. Yes, I gotcha. How’s de wedder over der? Damn hot I imagine!
Al-Shishwani: Yes. Yes it is, very warm.
Trudeau: Mon Dieu, I’ll betchya it is buddy! All we got here is ice and beavers. Guess how much da beaver pelt worth this week?
Al-Shishwani: I have no idea, Albert, but you know what? That’s not why I’m calling.
[EDIT: Trudeau continues about beaver pelts for some time until Al-Shishwani loses patience and gets him back to the point of his call]
Al-Shishwani: So, Albert are you listening carefully?
Trudeau: You betchya buddy! Shoot!
Al-Shishwani: Is that a ‘yes’?
Trudeau: Am all ears, mon ami!
Al-Shishwani: OK, I’m just gonna go ahead and say this and presume that you’re listening carefully OK?
Trudeau: Okey-dokey Abdel – I mean Marcel, not Abdel. Don’t know no Abdel.
Al-Shishwani: [muffled unclear mumbling] Albert, the bank transfer we spoke about last time is no longer feasible. I’m sending..
Trudeau: Money no good?
Al-Shishwani: Yes, Albert. Money no good. That’s why I’m sending my brother over to see you with a suitcase.
Trudeau: Suitcase, oh sure. Gotcha.
Al-Shishwani: My brother will be in Vancouver on Thursday. Can you meet him there?
Trudeau: Vancouver? Why dere? Day don’t speak no French over dere. It’s not the real Canada at all.
Al-Shishwani: That’s fascinating Albert, really it is. Can you meet him or not?
Trudeau: Oh sure buddy, what ever you say. No problem.
Following this one, seemingly banal phone-call, security operatives sent the recording to Langley where its importance was immediately recognized by our heroic, ever-vigilant security services.
Two hours later a full scale covert operation was launched – Operation Al-Quanada.
When Al-Shishwani’s brother, Karl landed in Vancouver’s makeshift airfield, Canadian customs officials let him through without issue, under direct orders from United States intelligence personnel on the ground. Exactly as the intelligence reports from Doha had suggested, he was carrying a suitcase. He was followed by undercover agents from that time onwards.
Outside, the oafish RCMP almost blew the whole case by arresting Trudeau for smoking marijuana in the arrivals hall. Under direct orders from United States agents he was released before Al-Shishwani was any the wiser.
The two men were followed by 4×4, UAV and satellite for six days, driving east across the frozen wasteland that is Canada from British Columbia, through Alberta to Saskatchewan. It’s not yet understood why the two men in Trudeau’s battered old Subaru failed to spot three black GMC Yukon 4×4’s following them across the frigid white-out on Canada’s only road. Heavy marijuana use by both men is suspected.
On an isolated plateau outside Stony Ridge, Saskatchewan the old Subaru stopped and the two men got out. Al-Shishwani unrolled a large technical drawing and placed it on the hood of the car. A combination of UAV and satellite imagery revealed it to be the plans for a missile launch platform. Further digital enhancement of the plans revealed the dreaded words ‘Shabab-3B’ an Iranian-made missile of quasi-Soviet design, capable of launching a variety of munitions both conventional and nuclear. A medium range missile, from Stony Ridge it could reach all but the most southern of Americas cities. Just a few short moments after this image resolved itself on a computer monitor in Langley, Trudeau, Al-Shishwani and the Subaru vaporized as a result of classified missile technology launched from one of the UAVs.
We would all be living in a fools paradise, however, to think for one second that this is the end of the Al-Quanadian plot. Al-Shishwani’s brother may be dead but he is not, and now he’s bearing a grudge. And let’s not kid ourselves, Al-Quanada is full of Trudeau types ready to sell us out for a suitcase of cash and a bag of weed.
For as long as arabs want to ski in the desert America will never be safe from the Al-Quanadians.
Vigilance is paramount! God bless you all, and God bless America!
copyright mark waldron 2012