Our dear old friend Governor Sam Brownback and our headquarter officers in Concordia, Kansas, are pleased to announce Zombie Apocalypse Condos. Building these bad boys in old Anti-Soviet missile silos, we’ve offered a great place to live with a since of good Reagan anti-pinko Americana that still wafts in the air.
Designed by Hiram Smith, these silos were built to withstand a Russian nuclear explosion. For those of you too young to remember, there was once a time when America was fragile and gentle. Another nation, named the USSR, wanted to overtake the world with ice cold communism, a form of government where millionaires are not allowed, atheist dictators can abort whoever they want (atheist high priest Josef Stalin aborted nearly 30 million people) and you can never own more than two outfits, a one room government home with no running water and one overweight wife who is to pump out many children to work menial jobs.
These people were naturally jealous of America and stole our nuclear power, to use it against us. Thus, America peacefully built underground silos and we are left with the legacy to this day: and now, once again, we are using these silos to protect us from a very real, evil, mindless threat.
Just like atheist commies, zombies want nothing more than to rip the flesh of your wife and children asunder, ravaging their intestines every which way while tearing apart all your hard earned possessions. With our silos, zombies will never satiate their thirst for destruction.
In the floor plans above, you can see the zombies have no way to get into your home. Unless they can snorkel under a raging river and then punch their way through 20 feet of solid concrete, you have absolutely no worries. The multi tiered condo units are big enough to host families of 8. The self sustained sewage system, aerating system and water purifying systems are only outdone by the biosphere where you and the community can grow crops year round.
The power system is fueled by nuclear energy from Tuttle Creek, with backup generators, water-based turbine systems and even solar power panels being fail-safes. The Joint Energy Commission estimates that our condos have only a .00004% chance of power failure within a 500 year span of time. That is to say, our power sources are essentially without fault.
We allow only hardworking people in our condos and do not take in stragglers. Straggling people and pregnant women seem to always be hiding a zombie bite: so sorry, do no come knocking and begging to come in. We’ll just tell you to move on.
If we do need to move or go on the attack, we have a fully armored SUV, a battle helicopter and a nuclear missile just 5 miles away.
Above you see the quick work our teams have done. Note the open design of the rooms gives nice fong shway.
Now for the details:
Many people who inquired about moving in to our facilities have been concerned about contamination: what if terrorists start dumping bath salts into our water supply, or worse, can make airborne bath salt virii?
Our entire facility is filtered: nuclear, biological and chemical filters completely scrub the air. You’ll never have harm fall unto you. This is the power of good Christian engineering.
Before moving in, everyone is required to be trained in weapons. The facility offers proximity sensors, microphones, trip sensors, detectors and conventional military defense systems: we have automated lasers, guns and missiles. They can all be manually operated as well. And believe, there is a major cache of guns.
For those who are intersted in this condo unit, sorry, it is now sold out.