• EDC 2012 Knife Party – Ensured Death of Children

    June 1, 2012 7:44 pm 266 comments

    As some of you may have heard, the homorave community will be holding their annual caucus in Sin City this June. “EDC”, Ecstasy Daily Carnalval, is a glow-in-the-dark freak show that young drug addicts and worshippers of Satan attend annually to cover themselves with others’ bodily fluids and crystal methamphetamines. Children as young as 10 are allowed to attend EDC where it is common to trick them into accepting beads for mouth sex acts. Ravers perform ‘light shows’ on hallucinating girls to induce ‘trips’ before dragging them off to a portable bathroom to be group molested. But rape isn’t the worst thing that happens at EDC every year. Many American sons’ and daughters’ lives are claimed each year at EDC. Here are the ways their souls will be eternally forfeited to the Devil.


    A group of 7th graders at EDC, beads and open mouths signifying their oral willingness.

    How the Younglings Will Perish

    Knife Parties
    It says right here on the EDC activities lineup, right after they ‘kill the noise’, the first ever EDC knife party will be held. Being a follower of Jesus Christ, I have never been to a dubstep show, but I have seen them flailing all over each other after the ‘drop’ on Youtube. Now imagine if they were all holding knives. The crowd will no doubt turn into a sadistic flesh blender, where the weak will be stabbed repeatedly as offerings to Satan himself.

    Not the kind of party your kids were expecting? Too bad. They’ll still be stabbed to death.

    Gang Shootings
    After doing some research, it appears that EDC is also a meet-up venue for underground crime. Last year, the Swedish House Mafia was reported to have attended the festival. On this year’s guest list is feared Puerto Rican drug ring, the Felix Cartel, who will be brokering some sort of ecstasy syndicate with EDC and ‘collecting’ on past debts. With more minorities packing heat than a hot tamale factory, there will no doubt be many ghetto-style shoot outs with young children caught in the cross fire.

    Drug Overdoses
    Teens are pressured into snorting drugs and submitting themselves for skin sin for hours, dehydrating them of everything but filth and shame. Because the only fluids they have been ingesting for the 3 days of EDC have been DNA and malt liquor, it is common for teens to collapse in the midst of the pulsing crowd, their last thought before death being “how did it all go so terribly wrong?”

    Trampled to Death
    While EDC is full of ‘performers’ I have never heard of in all my life, there are some that I know will cause hysterical adolescents to crush each others’ faces just to get a good look at them. For example, last year when Moby made his appearance, the death toll was in the thousands. This year the Blue Man Group, one of the hottest acts in dubstep music, will enduce waves of pandemonium in young fans and trampling will ensue. Ravers will also be clawing at each other tooth-and-nail to get some of the ecstasy that will be showered over the crowd from on-stage cannons.

    Yes, there will be blood.

    Deep, Unrelenting Depression
    For the handful of misguided youth that manage to survive the weekend, what awaits them is a fate worse than death. After a weekend of over-stimulation and STD contraction, they will return to a bleak existence, devoid of God’s love. Some will return to their minimum wage jobs to supports their ecstasy addiction, while others will steal money from their hard-working parents to purchase their next EDC tickets, desperate for something to look forward to. Most will sit in the shower and sob before ending it all.


    God is sad too.

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