HOMOSEXUALIST behaviour in the animal kingdom has always been the atheist’s trump card.
Ask any professional atheist, from Greta Christina to Rebecca Watson to self-proclaimed “evolutionary biologists” such as PZ Myers and Jerry Coyne and they will all tell you the same thing: the fact that the beasts of the field try to get their jollies by sodomising their twiddle rompuses up each other’s sin spouts or indulging in idyllic sapphic pastimes amid the riotous wildflowers of alpine meadows means that human same-sex
squelchy business is perfectly natural.
It’s a stumper that has baffled and dismayed Christian thinkers for nearly two millennia. Some,
like Clement of Alexandria, got their vestments in a sweaty, salty wad puzzling over pagan
Greek notions that certain animals — in particular hares, hyenas and weasels — were
inherently homosexualists. (This misconception, as it pertains to hyenas, may have been
exacerbated by the fact that the female hyena happens to have a big, swinging pseudophallus).
Of course we all know about what those old Greeks got up to with their young catamites oiled
up behind the columns of their heathen temples!
But the fact remains that animals of all sorts — dolphins, elephants, bonobos and sheep, to
name a few — get up to saucy same-sex shenanigans that would make even the most
hardened human homosexualist blush. Like with all those gay penguins at all those zoos.
But once more Christian science has ridden to the rescue with a new hypothesis that can
explain away 4000 species’ worth of frenzied backdoor barnyard copulation and urgent furry
scissoring: homosexual animals are possessed by demons.
Former US Navy chaplain Gordon Klingenschmitt explains: “It is entirely possible — we know
from the Bible, for example, when Jesus cast the devil out of Legion, he went into a herd of
pigs. So, it is possible for demons or the devil to inhabit or invade animals just the same way
they invade humans, and that causes the sin of lust.”
Over to you: Do you think that minuscule minions of Satan are causing our furry friends to
indulge in animalistic orgies of unprotected outdoor butt play and same-sex sally dabbling? Do you think the Obama administration should make investigation of this possibility a top scientific funding priority?