Mitt Romney — Combating Homosexuality One Haircut at a Time
The liberal press has been all over Brother Romney lately for a couple of innocent pranks he pulled of some queer boys in high school. These Obamaphiles just love to paint ol’ Mitty into a corner — first he’s an evil millionaire, then he’s a fringe Mormon, and now a schoolyard bully? I have to admit that the Latter-Dawn Saints bit rattled my cage at first, but here at ChrisTwire we embrace all people with a Christ-like heterosexual hug — whether they’re Baptist, Catholic, Evangelical, or Protestant. God made all American Christians equal. So take up your sheers, Mr. Next President, and defend America from these Godless bottom perverts! How can we ever expect to drive the gay away back to Europe when they have such girly hair? Like a Samson of sodomy, we must trim them back to the way of the Lord.
Sometimes the job is already halfway done.
There was a time when long hair was the domain of the straight man. American war hero John Rambo, smooth jazz legend Kenny G, and even Jesus Christ himself all had long hair. But alas the modern-day homosexual hair just keeps getting longer and longer. Mr. Romney, its time to dust off the old sheers and fire up the star-spangled barber’s pole, because there is a job to do and only one man with the guts to do it! I’m not saying it will be without casualties. Some of America’s daughters might accidentally get shaved in the crossfire, but it is a price worth paying to squelch this follicular freak show. No longer can we let the rest of the world perceive us as a bunch of prancing ponies willing to relinquish our God-given manes to the gays. Of course we are going to come under terrorist attack when Al Queda thinks all they have to fear is a couple Skillrexs in their flight cabin!
Emosexuals trying to fight fire with fire, eh?
I’m not saying you have to do everything by force, Mr. Romney. Remember, you’re smarter than they are. Maybe start with a couple homosexual icons like Lady Gaga or those One Direction boys and start a ‘fad’. The boys down at the CDC could whip you up some sort of hair-AIDS. I hate to say this, but military conscription might be the best way to rid the homogay community of their lascivious locks. Just knowing that there is a man willing to defend our communities and grooming habits makes me sleep easier at night. For that, I thank you Mr. Romney. You can surely count on my vote this election.
Iraq wasn’t won in a day, either. ChrisTwire knows you can do it!
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Wes F
3:43 pm
You must be retarded. Skrillex is not gay.
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4:16 pm
Um okay my best guy friend had long hair to his shoulders for 5 years umm and I can promise he is 100% straight ;D…. And that photo of the ‘emosexuals’ fighting back. Yeah that was someone in an Edward Scissorhands costume. And you mention Skrillex in this why? To get it read, how pathetic.
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6:37 pm
I used to have long hair, then I realized it’s not aerodynamic
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9:59 pm
Pathetic? By the sounds of your own description of your “boyfriend” saying he is a long-haired hippy, druged out of his mind junkie, with an infantile penis whose never to proud to pay rent blowing sailors at the bar in between those dry days when the food stamps have run out, don’t give you squat to post your Satanic filth on this Christian Website!
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10:10 pm
Wait…You are assuming all this from “my best guy friend had long hair to his shoulders for 5 years umm and I can promise he is 100% straight”
That’s quite a jump
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5:15 am
“I hate to say this, but military conscription might be the best way to rid the homogay community of their lascivious locks.”
There are no “homogays”. Idiot.
There’s nothing wrong with having long hair.
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5:17 am
hm… maybe you should put it so:
By the sounds of your own description of your “Jesus” saying he is a long-haired hippy, druged out of his mind junkie, with an infantile penis whose never to proud to pay rent blowing sailors at the bar in between those dry days when the food stamps have run out, don’t give you squat to post your Satanic filth on this Christian Website!
Looks way better.
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3:57 pm
Um okay yeah he is straight I can promise that trust me I would know… And he is anti drugs because of personal reasons. And we are still high school he doesnt have to pay rent but he has a job unlike most of the people at our school. And I can promise you his penis is anything but infantile. And if you dont agree with me then see you in hell, bitches. ;D
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12:00 am
Amen brother, I would rather live on the street than blow a man! But I know my christian brothers will keep me safe. Once when I was short on cash some people from my congregation let me sleep in their sons bed since it was a double bed and he didn’t need all of that room. He was a good boy with short hair and we had awesome christian hug time.
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11:21 pm
This isn’t true christian this is opinion. So go back to touching little boys in the confession box and keep your opinions to yourself.
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11:38 pm
Hey Bro, suck my nuts okay? Yeah get on your dirty little hands and lick my balls!
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7:25 pm
This website is fucking hilarious. I wish everyone knew it was a joke.
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10:45 pm
I love that picture of W. Good times….
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1:18 am
Indeed W is a moral man with a neat appearance and well kept hair.
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11:20 pm
i can’t deny he has good fuckin hair
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3:38 am
It makes me cry and think of better times for America.
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5:01 am
This website makes me laugh at America Because it has no future.
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5:51 pm
King, it’s a joke site. They can’t be this stupid. Or at least not from what I’ve ever seen… This kind of Bible-Humper doesn’t exist.
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8:19 am
That’s a very un-Christian thing to write.
Get with God, hombre.
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3:47 pm
You only see what you want to see right?
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11:32 pm
Hail Satan, my Dark Lord and Master!
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6:26 am
Yes, you can *laugh* at this great Nation, Kingfisher, but only because God has given you the free-will to be so very wrong. And you are wrong. In so many ways that I can’t even begin to list them: 1) You name yourself after the pagan Heretic the FisherKing – are you a witch? 2) Your only future is to rot in hell with all the other Liberal demon-loving sinners 3) You probably have long hair. 3) You and your homo *friends* probably go on communist marches to protest about decent, life-loving Christians, who justly shoot baby murdering Obama approved abortionists. I’m appalled to think that I might actually breath the same American air as you!
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11:19 am
Your name means absolutely this, future is absolutely that, probably do this, probably do that. Allow me to grace you with a rebuttal.
A kingfisher is a type of bird, not a witch. Twisting words around reflects poorly on you.
Hell must absolutely exist because you read it in a book. If you believe everything you read, stop reading.
“Probably” is not “definitely”. He could have short hair. Or maybe you have long hair.
If you get raped, is it an act of your god? Would you still have a child that you didn’t want? As a woman, you should be more appalled that you don’t have a right to do what you want with your body. If you don’t like our filthy air, just stop breathing. It’ll solve ALL your problems at once.
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5:58 pm
I am sad to think that you may be a parent.
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10:21 pm
Jesus! I saw you at Anthrocon! how is being resurrected?
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7:02 am
America? Great country?
HAHAHAHA!
No, I’m not a witch, and I’m not pagan because I’m an athiest.
Meh, at least I’ll have some good company in hell.
Nope, short hair.
No Gay friends, mostly bisexual girls.
I know. I wear a Guy Fawkes mask to them.
Thou shalt not kill. They decently shoot?
Annnnnd America has claimed australian oxygen and nitrogen? Because I live in Australia. Want to go live in Vienna.
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5:55 pm
Calm down, bro.
This site is a joke. Literally.
I wish everyone knew that, they’re making fun of Bible-Humpers. No need to keep the insults up with Americans, because of a single site on the internet. Really, no one can make fun of any country. Because calling a population of 6 mil + stupid because of a few encounters with people from that country is the an extremely ignorant action. Which is why I don’t spend much time on Youtube anymore.
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11:43 pm
Hey lady, you must not have met me. Because, I do every single thing that you described, in just one, amazing night! Concerned Parent? Let your kids grow up how every they want too, or let them come stay with me.
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10:15 pm
So long hair is bad only because you view homosexuals bad, yet long hair and gays have no link. Any man can have long hair but that doesn’t mean he’s gay. You have no argument for your article. You have nothing but your opinion, which by the way is a terrible way to write an article that others claim it’s 100% factional information.
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10:19 pm
What is ‘factional information’ ? I am assuming you mean factual? Stay in school and off drugs, Pebrocks.
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10:53 pm
Like you have room to try to insult someones intellegence…
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7:33 pm
Only you, Maddy, would misspell the word intelligence. Do you just not have parents?
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1:18 am
It’s all factional! This is the new style in philosophy, what with Willard van Orman Quine’s late critique of logical positivism and the failure of its verification principle (the principle upon which it rested) by invoking the instance of self-reference, in which the statement “all facts must be verified” cannot be verified. Personally, I believe the Gettier problem was more direct in collapsing the positivist endeavor upon itself, but the facts remain that we have differed and deferred into a factional state of information. The point is, blacks are homogays and Romney will show us a way forward, White America, and will drag us from the dregs of postmodern threads, back into a golden age of golden showers and white love. In straightness. And ask Ann, Mitt knows about straightness. White Power!
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10:50 am
Romney is an idiot for falling for the ridiculous claims of a bullshit religion made up by a known con-man.
The Native Americans are Hebrews? Really?
God cursed black people with dark skin?
“And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, and they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them.”
Romney believes this crap? What a moron!
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7:46 pm
Why are you an EX brony?
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6:02 pm
HAIL SATAN OUR LORD AND SAVIOR
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7:05 pm
It’s just a minor point, but speaking as a homoegay, we are trending right now to the shorter hair. They are a lot of buzz cuts and generally short hair down at The Cuff and The Eagle these days. Just a bit of FYI because ,”The more you know….”
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11:03 pm
Torture 101:
step 1)make sure the victim is facing away from whatever devices you wish to use. when acquiring a tool, take a few moments simply rifling through them. let their anticipation grow; the human imagination is a powerful thing.
step 2) present the device to the victim. make sure they can clearly see what you are holding. this will further fuel their fear. begging is common at this point.
step 3) actual implementation of said device. it is important to make short sporadic sessions. this is to ensure the victim’s body doesn’t adapt to the shock, prolonging and intensifying pain. it is important to note you should have multiple tools ready if you wish to maintain optimal “encouragement for a prolonged period. with enough tools, you can cycle through and switch up at your leisure. giving you plenty of time.
here is a video documenting the grisly nature of torture. take note of how quickly the victim starts breaking down from the shock. http://www.movieweb.com/dvd/DVDxyFELegXEHI/thomas-jane-interrogation
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2:37 pm
remember this tip for The Best Darn Snuggle Method: if you’re using steel, than it’s real!
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4:21 pm
Are these Taken from the Roman Catholic Handbook of Inquision and Heathen conversion Manual
or the christwire Web Site terms and conditions
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12:05 am
Why do you people insist on taking away the rights of others? I could imagine you would be greatly upset if we took away your rights.
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7:47 pm
Why is the name in the title Mitt Romney, but the picture is of Skrillex? Mitt Romney is an old guy, not a Dubstep artist. Fuckers
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4:10 pm
“first he’s an evil millionaire, then he’s a fringe Mormon, and now a schoolyard bully?”
Isn´t digging up the nasty from the pasty societal protocol for when you go into politics? Or is that just political protocol with societal opinion being used as enforcer? That explains why media has become what it is.
As for the long hair, there is a time when you can have it. It precedes the time when you should cut it. Then you get a job, marry, procreate and go to church on sundays.
Personally i never cared for it.
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1:13 am
What about the blacks with their nappy hair? I hear that they also have homogay genes. Wish Mitt would make that a hot topic on the debate trail. If we can really show America that Obama is just as bad as if he was a Muzlin because he’s already a black (aka homogay), we’d be entirely in the Christ-Clear. And which way to steer from that? I don’t know the differance but I’ll Deridda the boat, away from those knees that grow. White Power ! Blacks and hair are a homo-problem! Not in OUR America.
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2:05 pm
There are no “homogays”… stop using this illogical word.
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11:46 pm
Dude, you also need to grow some big O’ nuts! You are such a little immature bitch!
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3:09 am
Whoever wrote this article is literally retarded, there is nothing in the bible against homosexuality and whoever wrote this is a dumb redneck hick. Also fuck God he isn’t real, believing in God is the same as believing in a flying spaghetti monster.
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4:50 am
I have long hair and I enjoy women and their assests. FSM BE PRAISED!!!!
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6:14 am
“>”>”>” NEW CAMPAIGN POSTER FOR PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL
MITTONS Romney “<"<"<"
PARTY OFFICIALS RELEASED THIS PICTURE AFTER HIS LONDON SPEECH COCK UP
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6:14 am
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6:15 am
http://i.imgur.com/B2Rqo.jpg
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7:34 am
Bullshit! you will whip up hair AIDS? oh god these people make me laugh, you think you can now get aids from touching hair, the way to get aids is by bodily fluids like cuts, kissing, sex. Also isn’t there a large number of straight people who have actual AIDS too? so some people need to learn up on their science.
also laughing about the hair style thing, oh god, I know a lot of straight men with long hair, i mean my dad use to have long hair, what are you trying to say about him? that he is bent? he is the straightest man you will ever meet. The bible has nothing about gays and how its a sin, actually the church says that if a man and a man or a woman and a woman feel for each other as long as they dont act upon it its fine but who cares? gay’s still have sex, lesbians still have sex, bi sexuals still have sex, straight people have sex even out of marriage so why if you want to preach so much why can’t you fucking look at the straight ones too, the ones who are having sex out of marriage? but really you shouldn’t even be fucking judging people, shows how small minded you actually are you dumb fucks.
shaving some of your hair off? I’ve done it, i never seen it as a sign of homosexuality even though i am bi sexual, most my friends have it and they are straight.
so learn facts and stop judging idiots.
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1:09 am
I truly love this site. Anytime I need a good laugh I come here. Thanks ChristWire for being completely ridiculous.
Mrs.DuBeau
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