• Mitt Romney — Combating Homosexuality One Haircut at a Time

    June 19, 2012 7:57 am 59 comments
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  • The liberal press has been all over Brother Romney lately for a couple of innocent pranks he pulled of some queer boys in high school. These Obamaphiles just love to paint ol’ Mitty into a corner — first he’s an evil millionaire, then he’s a fringe Mormon, and now a schoolyard bully? I have to admit that the Latter-Dawn Saints bit rattled my cage at first, but here at ChrisTwire we embrace all people with a Christ-like heterosexual hug — whether they’re Baptist, Catholic, Evangelical, or Protestant. God made all American Christians equal. So take up your sheers, Mr. Next President, and defend America from these Godless bottom perverts! How can we ever expect to drive the gay away back to Europe when they have such girly hair? Like a Samson of sodomy, we must trim them back to the way of the Lord.

    Sometimes the job is already halfway done.

    There was a time when long hair was the domain of the straight man. American war hero John Rambo, smooth jazz legend Kenny G, and even Jesus Christ himself all had long hair. But alas the modern-day homosexual hair just keeps getting longer and longer. Mr. Romney, its time to dust off the old sheers and fire up the star-spangled barber’s pole, because there is a job to do and only one man with the guts to do it! I’m not saying it will be without casualties. Some of America’s daughters might accidentally get shaved in the crossfire, but it is a price worth paying to squelch this follicular freak show. No longer can we let the rest of the world perceive us as a bunch of prancing ponies willing to relinquish our God-given manes to the gays. Of course we are going to come under terrorist attack when Al Queda thinks all they have to fear is a couple Skillrexs in their flight cabin!

    Emosexuals trying to fight fire with fire, eh?

    I’m not saying you have to do everything by force, Mr. Romney. Remember, you’re smarter than they are. Maybe start with a couple homosexual icons like Lady Gaga or those One Direction boys and start a ‘fad’. The boys down at the CDC could whip you up some sort of hair-AIDS. I hate to say this, but military conscription might be the best way to rid the homogay community of their lascivious locks. Just knowing that there is a man willing to defend our communities and grooming habits makes me sleep easier at night. For that, I thank you Mr. Romney. You can surely count on my vote this election.

    Iraq wasn’t won in a day, either. ChrisTwire knows you can do it!

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