Over the last year Topeka, Kansas, has repeatedly proven itself to be the Christian backbone of America: it denied the liberals at Google from renaming the city Google, it has allowed husbands the right to rule their wive swith gentle, loving taps of disciplinary affection and most recently, it has announced a great new technology: gaydar machines.
On college campuses across America, there is a frightening new liberal epidemic taking place. College men are being tricked into thinking homosexuality is okay and that it is fine to vote it into law. In fraternity parties that were once only for lesbian equality as God is usually fine with (id est, drunken girls kissing girls), now we have the gross and filthy acts of two men kissing each other.
- Gay mouth diseases like gingivitis, thrush and Bubonic strep throat increased by 84% on gay friendly campuses.
- Men who kiss each other have a 67% greater risk of becoming sterile and being unable to father children later in life.
- On college campuses where man kissing is prevalent, the female student population is prone to depression and destructive decisions such as drug use and lesbian prostitution, leading to chlamydial outbreaks.
Who would want to watch nonsense like that: it is gross, unnatural and sloppy. Mixing to musky areas of bacteria should not be considered attractive. Innovative Topeka startup Gaydar Tech has fixed all this, however, with these gaydar machines.
These gaydar machines help normal college fraternity bros quickly realize the shirtless, pantless gay who may be trying to drug them at a college party.
In the machine above, five examples of homosexuality can be seen. In slot D4, is dirty Russian ‘barrel thrust’ homosexuality. The tell-tell blonde hair and more sleek dorsal canal leading to the midsection are only outdone by D6, the douchebro. Douchebro is a brand new brand of gay, who prefers to actually be a powerbottom and is always ready for a little reverse humpty dumpty action.
The Douchebro will usually take greedy swaps of his Jersey Shore styled hair to get secretly placed astro oils, which he will furiously rub all around his errogenous areas once he gets your naive college son plastered at a college party. Before your son knows it, he’s taken a very musty dip into the unholiest of Jersey shores.
In E6 there is the rare Afrogay. Overbearing black mothers are usually able to weed out examples of homogayness in their sons, but there are always those who slip through the crack and who really loves to do that more than an afrogay. Primal and muscular by genetic nature, the afro-gay asks no permission and does not bother with roofieing or plying with alcohol: this gay will just snatch your son up and do shameful things to him, just like a shower scene from the Sopranos.
In A1 there is a Marthon Gay, the most ravenous of all. By the build you can tell it is a cross country runner. According to recent statistics, over 80% of cross country runners engage in random acts of homosexuality. There is something that running like the Greeks of old that seems to turn men gay. Cross country runners will simply run after your son until he gets tired and then have their way.
In C3 is the College Professor gay. This variety likes to exchange A’s for Ass, as they put it. They will show up to a party and scare your innocent college student, pretending to really be upset that he’s partying instead of studying. Scared about being busted for underage drinking or failing a class, your son will do whatever this professor of prostrate wants to do.
These machines will be expanded to reveal more gays in the future and are being tested out at the University of Kansas. Already in the summer session, K.U. is reporting a 86% increase in gay awareness and an impressive 59% drop in samples of homosexulity.