• WWE Wrestling: Theater Of Gayness

    June 2, 2012 7:34 pm 83 comments
  • Share on Tumblr
  • Everyone knows I love combat sports. When I was younger, my brother Lonard and I would grease each other up by applying copious amounts of vegetable oil to one another’s body and then go out in the backyard and wrassle with each other for hours at a time — only stopping when one of us cried out, “Uncle!”

    As I grew up, I began training and competing in the “Sweet Science,” also known as Boxing ( and the only science I condone and am comfortable with). I would head to my local sporting gym and train vigorously, imagining my sparring partner as a young thieving Negro or Mexican Hispanic who was threatening my livelihood or church congregation (my family).

    But in the late 60’s Boxing began having trouble drawing people to its matches, due to filthy men such as Lou Thesz, Bruno Sammartino and “Killer” Kowalski. After hearing all of their last names it should come as no surprise that these men were immigrants of a dark land, where homosexual pageantry and “body-play” reign supreme. These men laid the foundation for the gayest spectacle to ever occur in American history —

    Professional wrestling.

    Professional wrestling is  the gayest homogay activity to ever happen to America. For those of you who don’t know, wrestling consists of two, vaseline-coated, muscle-bound homo wrestlers “grappling” in the “squared circle” until one of them pins or submits the other — usually after forcing genitalia into their opponents face.

    Let’s take a quick overview of some of these dastardly homosexual acts —

    Yokozuna, a gluttonous God-hating Buddhist used a devastating technique known as a “Banzai Drop” — whereupon he’d use his obese “gooch” region and testicle sack to smother the face of an unfortunate victim. Banzai is also a phrase associated with Japanese terrorism.

    The “Rock,” Dwayne Johnson, is a Samoan warrior, known for his horrible films that showcase violence and drug-use. His special move is the homogay, disgusting maneuver aptly titled the “Rock Bottom” where he forces his opponent into a “bottoming” position in order to be “pinned” — and every Christian knows that gay homosexuals revel in being “pinned” especially when they are being “bottomed.”

    “Bad Ass” Billy Gunn was famous for liberally exposing his buttcheeks and welcoming flocks of uncouth men to kiss and penetrate his rimhole. He referred to himself as an “ass man” meaning that he enjoyed the company of men inside of said ass. His special move, the “Fameasser” was a play on the popular homosexual practice of “SkyRimjobbing” whereupon he would spread his supple buttcheeks, force his opponents face betwixt them, and drop to the ground, enjoying immense amounts of pleasure while inflicting tremendous pain to his heterosexual opponents.

    Goldust was famous for being a flamboyant gay homosexual with no redeeming qualities. He would often molest unsuspecting men and attempt to perform oral sex on them while they were not looking. His special move consisted of groping anther man’s testicles. He wore an all-gold tight bodysuit as a way to advertise his filthy homosexuality and flaunt his immoral penis.

    In recent times, wrestling has become quite the outlet for homosexuals to feel comfortable in their sin. Many a homosexual will use a trip to the wrestling arena as a way to reveal his sexuality and “out” himself to his family. They feel safe in the company of greased-up men, rubbing on each other’s bodies and testicles.

    In fact, it’s believed that over 67% of homosexuals are wrestling fans. Further more, over 82% of homosexuals realized that they were filthy homos while attending a wrestling event.

    Certain “superstars” are more gay homo friendly then others. The “Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels wears attire featuring a plethora of broken hearts, and a single dangly earring in his right earlobe which indicates willingness to have “hand-style” sex with another man’s sex organ. He is also notorious for forcing men into having gay homosexual relations with other men — even going so far as to help commit incest!


    (Shawn Michaels forcing Shane McMahon to “RimJob” his OWN father!)


    The “Undertaker” makes a mockery of God by purporting to be an undead superhuman, with homosexual tendencies. He is one of the WORST offenders of God’s heavenly design, because he puts his opponents in a variety of devastating homosexual maneuvers. The most serious of these homogay moves is the “Tombstone Piledriver” where the Undertakes lifts his opponent into a “69” sex position and slams them into the ground, to maximize the depth of his crotch in his opponents face, rendering them unconscious and susceptible to be “pinned.”

    Bret “The Hitman” Hart wore pink and black clothing to indicate his homosexuality, in addition to wearing sunglasses to hide his shame. Have you met any straight Christian men who wear pink and black as well as sunglasses indoors? The answer is no, because only homosexuals wear pink and black.

    So what does this mean if you have a young child who looks up to John Cena, the jean-short wearing, muscularly built homo erotic street gangmember? Or Brock Lesnar and the penis tattooed on his chest?

    It’s imperative that you destroy all of his WWE merchandise, eliminate viewing of WWE programming, and install parental controls on your internet Netscape browser.

    You should also monitor what your child does when he/she travels to their friends house. Are the parents of your child’s friend liberal democrats? Are they same-sex? Do they watch football on Sunday instead of  attending church regularly?

    If the answers to any of these questions are yes, than chances are the parent’s of your child’s friend are forcing WWE programming and literature down your child’s throat — and that may not be the ONLY thing forced down your kid’s windpipe. (Or rectum.)

    Of course, if you confront these negligent parents about their lack of parenting skills, they will often place the blame on WWE programming and it’s penchant for homo-erotic “lumberjack matches,” which are bouts that feature two men wrestling in a ring surrounded by violent, lusty “lumberjacks” who gang rape any competitor unfortunate to be tossed from the ring.

    If you’ve made it this far into the article, you are undoubtedly shocked and awe’d by the amount of filthy gay debauchery that goes on during this “sporting event.” It’s important that we educate our Christian children on the dangers and pitfalls that comes with being a wrestling fan. Look into the audience at any wrestling event and what do you see?

     A legion of meth-addicted gay homosexuals who cheer and become sexually aroused at the sight of two, oiled-up muscular men contorting their bodies and writhing in homosexual pleasure.

    WARN YOUR CHILDREN, ESPECIALLY CHRISTIAN CHILDREN that if they do not stop watching it before it’s too late, they will live a life full of trailer-park homo “handjobs” while they work at Walmart and sell their eager, ripe “buttholes” on the side in order to pay their rent. Jesus doesn’t want your child to become a gay homosexual, and neither do I.

    Figs out.

    Thanks for rating this! Now tell the world how you feel through social media. .
    How does this post make you feel?
    • Excited
    • Fascinated
    • Amused
    • Shocked
    • Sad
    • Angry
    About The Author
    Mark E. Figs Mark is an award-winning children's author, and Christian Conspiracy Theorist can be found on Facebook and Twitter -- (Mark E. Figs)

    Facebook Conversations