• Bat mouthsex and squirrel autofellatio — signs of the End Times?

    July 19, 2012 10:08 am 30 comments

    “The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.

    And the cow and the bear shall feed; their young ones shall lie down together: and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.

    And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice’ den.”

    – Isaiah 11:6-8

    By Exbrony

    THE Book of Isaiah tells us that in the days before the coming of the Messiah various kinds of animals will behave in strange and unnatural ways — from lions eating straw to venomous snakes allowing infants to finger their cloacas.

    Even the cockatrice, a rare and reclusive kind of little poultry dragon that can turn a man to stone with its basilisk-style petrifying gaze, will suffer the little children to come unto its lair.

    But are we already seeing such bizarre behaviour among animals in our own times? And could this be a sign that the return of Jesus Christ is near?

    Your humble correspondent recently reported on rampant homogay sex shenanigans in the animal kingdom, but that is just the tip of a most unsavoury iceberg.

    In recent years scientists have made a string of astonishing discoveries about kinky animal sex perversions.

    In one of the most shocking, zoologist Jane Waterman of the University of Manitoba reported that Cape ground squirrels of Namibia fellate their own twiddle rompuses, using their hips to thrust their little sciuridaean sin-sticks in and out of their own little bucky-toothed mouths. Even more shockingly they then swallow their own salty squirrel baby gravy pram fat!

    Waterman reported: “a male sat with head lowered and an erect penis in his mouth, being stimulated with both mouth (fellatio) and forepaws (masturbation), while the lower torso moved forward and backwards in thrusting motions, finally culminating in an apparent ejaculation, after which the male appeared to consume the ejaculate.”

    In other stunning animal mouthsex revelations, it has been revealed that female Chinese short-nosed fruit bats lick the males’ purple-veined yoghurt-chuckers during the act of coitus itself — a kind of oral reach-around, if you will.

    As excited Chinese researchers reported, this chiropteran kinkiness “prolonged the sexual encounter – males never withdrew their penises when they were being licked and, on average, the behaviour bought the couple an extra 100 seconds of sex over and above the usual 2 minutes.”

    Over to you. Do you think there are more shocking revelations to come, like bonobos indulging in mutual fingersex, albatrosses engaged in aerial “sky-rimming”, or strange goings on vis-a-vis octopus’s ladygarden? Do you think this furry sexual depravity is a sign of the impending apocalypse?

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    About The Author
    Arthur Durry Arthur Durry is a lively, inactive Australian whose interests include biblical exegesis, cricket and seafood. Formerly known as Exbrony, he was never a brony.

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