• Can We Take A Minute To Talk About The Worst Facebook User Ever — STIF BENITEZ?

    July 6, 2012 12:58 am 124 comments

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    Mark E. Figs

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    Mark E. Figs

    Have you logged into Facebook recently to perhaps share a funny story with a friend, or see what your friends are up to, only to be bombarded by a frightening photo of a limbless man, wrapped in the GLAAD flag, riding a dolphin while being urged to “LIKE THE PHOTO IF U THINK GAY UNICORN TRAINERS R REAL PEOPLE 2?

    Now, you probably haven’t seen that exact photo, but chances are you’ve seen something like that. You’ve probably seen numerous photos in your news-feed; stupid photos of limbless men, disabled children or people with blue eyes.

    Blue. freaking. eyes.

    Well, luckily (or unluckily in my case) I discovered the source of all this madness –

    (Puckered lips as a result of being “mushroom tattooed” or beaten repeatedly with the tips of erect penises, most likely BLACK penises.)


    Yes, this stupid Moleman looking mongoloid who cannot wear a hat correctly, who looks like the bastard child of Yoko Ono and the De Loys Ape is the source of all my online anguish.

    His name is Stif Benitez. Yes, you read that right — Stif Benitez. And I hate his online existence more than Rihanna hates dating decent men who don’t cave her damn face in.

    I hate everything about how he chooses to use the internet. A typical day in the life of “Stif Benitez” probably consists of him Googling “totally messed up crap that pedophiles jerk off to” and then copy/pasting it into his Facebook to write some crappy uninspirational message and somehow sucker thousands of idiotic freaking people into “liking” it.

    If you ever wondered how Hitler could get SO many people to buy into his horrible genocidal propaganda, just glimpse at Stif Benitez’ profile and it all makes sense. This is a gayhomo idiot who does nothing but wear his hat like a queer, cookie-cutter Hispanic Justin Bieber bottom boi douchebag, and posts photos of people with Progeria.

    Progeria. STOP glamorizing Progeria. There’s nothing wrong with Progeria — it’s an unfortunate genetic condition — but there IS something wrong with you constantly posting photos of people with Progeria, lamenting about your inability to hug said person in order to relieve whatever faggoty boner you have.

    I bet you jerk off to photos of genetic disorders. You probably stay up late at night, thinking of crappy statuses to write while spilling your seed all over photos of people with William’s syndrome, or Down’s syndrome. Stay away from my children, you weird Hispanic homosexual.

    It’s weird to think that someone with limited intelligence, someone as retarded as Stif (wait, that’s offensive… to retarded people) is making such an IMPACT on the world. Thus, the reason I hate Facebook. But that’s besides the point –

    Does Stif Benitez volunteer at any Cancer organzations? Does he help raise Progeria and other genetic disorder awareness?

    No. Instead, this crusader for humanity does this.

    That is 880 of OUR Christian children “liking” a status about a tiny, diseased “jalapeno popper.”

    WOW, YOU ARE SO CARING AND KIND, STIF BENITEZ!

    Now, I don’t have a problem with Stif Benitez — frankly I don’t even think he’s real. No one is named “Stif Benitez,” that is a stupid made-up name that only exists in Latino gay porn films.

    But how he lives his life is enough for me to wish someone gave him a facelift with a ball-peen hammer. First off, you are not allowed to comment or write on his wall — so why the heck would you have a Facebook?

    Go collect butterflies, or read a book or jump into a fire — do something else, is what I’m getting at.

    Take flashcards and go have a conversation with homeless people. Just stop revealing the stupidity of my friends. I know some of them are dumb, I just don’t want to believe it.

    Lets take a look at some of the lowlights of Stiff Benitez –

    To be honest, he deserves more. He should of gotten his teeth kicked out. Because of his dumb Facebook name. And because he knows Stif Benitez. A beating is suffice enough to teach him a lesson about sucking on dongs and being a gayhomo. But he should of been hurt more for thinking that anyone would think his real name is “Angel Illuminati.”

    “Stif liked Adalia Rose.” I’m sure Stif did “like” Adalia Rose. HINT: Adalia Rose is going to die in the next few years. She will die. She is going to be buried into the ground. She will rot and worms will eat her tiny little skull. That’s an unfortunate result of having Progeria. And guess what? Another person will be born with Progeria. And another. And another. “Celebrating” someone because they have a disorder isn’t sympathetic, it’s patronizing.

    I hate Billy Corgan and I didn’t care for the film, “Powder.” This picture sucks.

    I have no idea what “liking” or “sharing” this photo will do. Will his arms grow back? Will he be able to take photos without looking like he’s shitting his pants? Will he learn of Stif Benitez’ amazing compassion — oh wait, Stif Benitez is an ugly homoqueer twelve year old.

    Taking photo’s of L.N. or CelestialDeth’s bedroom isn’t very nice. Is this sanitary? What kind of fire hazard does this pose?

    Remember guys, there are some decent people out there; compassionate, thoughtful, loving Christian individuals who wish to raise awareness about unfortunate circumstances and strive to create a loving and accepting world.

    I just don’t think it’s the nightmare bastard child of an Orangutan and Charlie Villanueva.

    Thanks for rating this! Now tell the world how you feel through social media. .
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    About The Author
    Mark E. Figs Mark is an award-winning children's author, and Christian Conspiracy Theorist can be found on Facebook and Twitter -- (Mark E. Figs)

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