Homosexual superscientists have used their naturally duplicitous minds to unleash the most nefarious plot upon the normal population. Using a bizarre mix of advanced genetics and immoral gene splicing, the gays have created a mutant mosquito that can transmit homosexuality with one bite. This summer, all of us are at risk of turning gay and even more terrifying, catching a homogay illness.
Mosquitoes are terrifying and dangerous insects. Every year, their bites are able to kill fully grown human and adults in the most brutal of deaths. Their bites will kill over 1 million children per year. It’s well known that mosquito bites are entirely responsible for the Bubonic plague and the West Nile Virus that terrified all of us only years ago.
But despite all these things, the threat of turning homosexual from just going on a camping trip or playing a late night game of summer league baseball has everyone in the throes of panic.
In Sammamish, Washington, ground zero for this new breed of genetic mosquitoes, locals report a sharp 68% increase in homosexual activities such as produce yearning. One man, Clarence Carter reports:
“I was just walking in the park and some normal looking boys were playing ultimated frisbee game near the big lake. I sat and watched them for a while, they were just rolling in the mosquito thick grass and scratching as they got more bites. Eventually the game turned to horror because, and I know what I saw, but there was 3 acts of reverse sodomy and I saw two of them musk taint the gootch of another man. And their girlfriends were watching. I was so happy I had the new Off! mosquito pack giving me a shield. It wasn’t until later on the news that I heard the full story of these gay causing mosquitoes. I saw it with my own eyes, turned normal college boys gays and their girlfriends just cried and screamed in horror watching the gay change process.”
The account of Clarence Carter matches stories rolling in from around the nation.
In New York, one woman reports that during a balcony barbeque, her husband complained of a mosquito bite, told her they were divorced several hours later and by the next morning, called her from Vegas to announce a gay union with a cabana boy he met.
It’s estimated that every summer in the USA alone, each individual is bitten over 20 to 200 times by mosquitoes. With how and aggressive this new breed of insect can be, those numbers will only increase.
Sources claim that the mosquitoes are actually genetic chimeras that carry the replicated DNA of late rock legend Freddy Mercury. The aggressive, jousting nature of the mosquitoes’ sucker definitely matches the nature of Mercury and it is well known the CDC stored his DNA to undertstand the most ‘potent’ case of genetic homosexuality they have ever seen.
We will continue to monitor the spread of these mutant genetic mosquitoes and collect data for future reports. In the meantime, please invest in insect repellant and much like if you found yourself on the set of the Walking Dead, know that once someone is infected by one of these mosquitoes you must run to safety so they don’t try to pin you in their altered mental state.