Is touching yourself worth an ETERNITY in hell?
In Obama’s America, the incidence of secret self-touching under office desks has seen a sharp 67% rise. Gone are the days when men would wait patiently to get home to partake in marital privilege. Have you ever caught your co-worker giving themselves an awkward handshake of pleasure and not understood how to confront them? Confronted with the right scare facts and figures, any rational person should be scared stiff and not wanting to ever slide their finger’s down Satan’s meaty peaks and fertile valleys ever again. Today’s lesson will arm you with information to prevent self-touchers from ruining their lives and then burning in hell.
Self-touchers are God-deniers who are priming themselves for hell. With every little flicker of the finger and release of the combustible fluids of sin, those who let slide their fingers into their rigid clam traps or make spit the turgid DNA viper of Satan shall one day know the misery and eternal suffering of hell.
To those who self-touch we must ask, is it worth it?
Burning in hell is the worst torture any person could ever endure. The weeping and gnashing of teeth are only outdone by the hearty laughs of Satan as he watches his girthy demons sodomize your soul with iron hot instruments that would make even a loose elder gay clinge with disgust and fright.
But beyond the realm of spirituality, there are also day-to-day consequences of self-touching:
A quick walk through any rough neighborhood devoid of proper upper-middle class to wealthy churches reveals a community of misfits: black clothed Gothic kids, hiding in dark alleys, shooting up on drug needles and listening to their little screamo bands. Their complexion will reveal a pale, vampirery look and profuse acne that’s actually STI. Some neighborhoods will have hoodlums or prowling homosexuals. From what the data indicate, we can see most self-touchers lose the ability to have children by age 32 and even worse, are most likely prostitutes by the time this has happened.
But what happens when self-touching is not in some distant neighborhood and is happening under your own roof? Your family may be part of the statistics. Do you know the signs.? Are you doing what is necessary to prevent your children or significant other from assured misery?
Is My Loved One Self-Touching?
If you suspect your husband is self-touching, time is of the essence. Call the police and your pastor, then confront him in from of them for your safety.
- The Self-Touching Husband
97% of all men who self-touch will become impotent by age 32. This harsh scientific fact is corroborated by the AMA and has been consistent in all polling data from 1977 to 2011. In 2012, the US divorce rate soared to 57%. While the culprits of Facebook and wives not bending to their husbands will was largely to blame, a new trend of men ‘not being able to please women’ emerged as the third leading causal factor in divorce, ahead of finances and infidelity.
Self-touching husbands tend to show classic clinical signs:
* Sneaking off to the bathroom with an iPhone or tablet, then making abnormal grunting noises not indicative of a typical bowel release. The bowel release noises will sound more unholy and breathy, like a Tijuana ama de cama doing a donkey show in 100 degree heat.
* Overly perky and energetic when waking up in the morning. A self-touching husband will eventually lose interest in you and start showing classic signs of homosexuality: Morning Energy (Dawn Phenomenon), drinking Pepsi Zero, abnormal addiction to fitted shirts and pants that accentuate the gluteal area and gradual disregard for phallic hygiene. Most husbands who show these signs are ‘bottom boys’, that is, newcomers to the gay community who have to work from ‘the bottom up’.
* Crankiness and constant tugging at boxers. This is due to chaffing from fast hand action.
* When your husband is sleeping, gently remove his boxers and rub your fingers within his gootch area. A secret most men keep from women is that after any sort of unsavory emission, a moist, secret musk is left behind. It cannot be cleaned with a towel or anything less than a shower. This is God’s way of reminding men of the shame of their actions. The musk is actually the spent tears of the tiny homonculi men keep in their scrotal region, until procreation with the wife. When forced into a premature release by self-touching, the aborted homonculi little out tiny cries and oily tears that leave behind the musky scent you are searching for. Remember, the stronger the scent, the more of your potential children your husband aborted the night before.
Self-touching husbands are dangerous and volatile. They are addicted to the dopamine release associated with their act of “M”, and much like a cocaine-addict, they will hurt or even kill to get their next fix in secret. To confront your husband if he’s showing these signs, call in your family, the police and a member of clergy. Have an intervention. Your husband will become angry, but that’s just because he’s been caught red-handed. In time, he should thank you for saving your marriage and his ability to have children.
- The Self-Touching Wife
Contrary to what women would have you think, they are deceptive little vixens who cannot resist a pulsing pleasure in their nether regions. Eve, the mother of all women, could not resist the tempations from a snake.
All Satan had to do was slither up her thigh and whisper in her ear, “let me taste your fruit.” Eve giggled and damned all humanity in two minutes flat, coincidentally the same amount of time it takes a snake of modern time to ‘procreate’.
That sick story aside, women still think about sex a whopping 4,560 times a day. That’s over 4 times a minute. When you are hard at work, providing for your family, or taking the kids out for pizza night or bark park with the beagle, your wife is secreting her sally jessy in unholy ways.
If your wife is a repeat self-toucher, expect:
* Adamant denial that she is rubbing the kitty’s smelly. You may note that your bed has a strong, fishy smell, much like Sunday tuna leftovers. Do not think your wife was eating sandwiches in bed. She’s been doing far worse and poaching the very eggs meant for your holy sperm. Slap her into honesty. But with love.
* Overcompensating. If your wife is being exceptionally nice (keeping the house perfectly clean, baking delicious cakes and taking time to put her wedding band safely in the proposal box every night), she’s either cheating on you or a self-toucher. Ask her if she’s doing either and if she resp0nds with anger, she’s guilty.
Wives who self-touch lack any sensual desire and so can be easily spotted. If you ask your wife to let you ‘search for the Cosby kids’ and she looks disgusted or uninterested, you can be 100% assured she is a self-toucher or cheater.
It really is a fine line between the two, but both result in her becoming a vessel of STI and Maury Povic baby drama, neither of which you need in your life. If your wife is a self-toucher, the best way you can help her is invoking your prenup, kicking her out of your home and telling her to take the kids with her. Most women who self-touch end up prostitutes, barren and drug addicts. You don’t really need that in your life.
While conventional wisdom may indicate your weird teenage son is the most likely culprit to self-touch, studies indicate it’s far more common for girls to take the unholy splash into the raging cavern of carnal iniquity.
- The Self-Touching Offspring
Contrary to popular belief, your daughter is more likely to diddle herself than your son. This is because the female hormone ‘estrogen’ is concentrated and potent in adoloscent females all the way to post-college aged. Just like a young pit viper, the Jezebel nectar of a young woman runs strong and courses through her blood with blinding power and speed. Your daughter always struggles to control her emotions and desires: hence why she likely always has her door shut, refuses to wear panties through college age and even may take a strong interest in a ‘vegan diet’. In short:
* Strong interest in ‘health’. When you visit your daughter’s college, you will likely find she is claiming to be ‘health conscious’ and a vegan. Do not buy that nonsense for a second. Vegans are notorious for being attracted to strong, rigid plants. Watch your daughter’s eyes gleam with a secret pleasure if you mention ‘cucumbers’ or ‘Don Juan plantain’s from the earthy regions of South America’. She’ll pucker and duck lip in excitement. PIf you see these signs, pull her tuition funding from whatever college, because prostitution and a baby are only a few months away.
* Self-touchers seem to be addicted to gender blending. Sense they are touching themselves in unholy ways at such a young ages (some even as early as 19 or 2o-years-old), they never get a chance to know what it means to be a proper testosterone wielding man or estrogen behaved woman. Young men will wear eye-makeup and slimming black clothes, while you’ll see young women wearing a man’s loose pajamas for bed out in public. They do not want to detach from their bedroom pleasures and they begin to associate their hand/other objects as the other gender.
The best defense is a good offense. You should constantly remind your sons that it is very abnormal to touch yourself. Young men who touch themselves usually end up homosexual or far worse, with severe mental illness. They will die from some sort of Gay’s Bowel Syndrome or go through life in need of psychiatric help.
If your daughter is a self-toucher, keep her close to home, don’t let her go to college and admit her in a good psychological regimine of counseling. She will likely need pharmaceutical drugs to reduce her estrogen levels and other psychotropics to ensure she bends to your commands of keeping herself untouched until married.
With all that said, those who self-touch shall burn in hell forever and ever. So I ask you, is touching yourself really worth all this trouble? I think the answer is pretty clear.
the worst Jezebel nectar to ever exist.
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Mike Watson
Intrepid, bold and dashing, Mike Watson's investigative reporting prowess is only outdone by his burning desire to restore conservative values and morality to America. With a unique penchant for purity, Mike Watson's TV, Radio and writing inspire millions to know the truth behind American culture. Also on Facebook
6:41 am
WOW a story’s that is some what to what this site is trying to do that’s rare. I mean it’s still nothing but crap with that silly MS paint chart but now we have to wait for another 40 story’s about facebook from billy bob joe.
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7:20 am
I started reading this…….story and stopped when I got to the Excel graph. Nice job, Mikey. Only one thing needs to be changed.
This: “But beyond the realm of spirituality, there are also day-to-day consequences of self-touching:”
Should read like this: “But beyond the realm of REALITY, there are also day-to-day consequences of self-touching:”
I can see now why you’re one of the “non-speaking” leaders of this…….discussion forum. You have truly mastered the graphing abilities of Excel. It’s not realistic, but it IS very well done. (Of course, after that, it was just ridiculous fluff.)
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9:30 am
I’ve heard young men touch themselves as early as 11.
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12:41 pm
These radical libersls love to convince boys that touching your twinkie is normal, when in fact it’s just sick. Whatever happened to teaching people to think of baseball stats or something else nice if you get those Satanic thoughts?
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2:07 pm
I know they need to let the priests do that at the church right?
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3:07 pm
Please do not condemn the spiritual speakers of god. it is truly an awful and blasphemous thing to do. And yet your heathen leaders are still loved by the lord even AFTER defacing him. you disgust me
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9:44 pm
Does my FACT fill story up set you?
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8:15 am
Your accusations upset God and that makes me mad. What kind of person thinks of priests in that way? Really, KBLME, you need some help.
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7:31 pm
I blame cartoons and those Mad Magazines.
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11:00 pm
Hey, Cartoon!! You may want to take note of that. Just respond in a normal fashion and not like a “multilingual Know-it-all”. You may lose Mr. Pen.
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2:11 pm
Yet another brilliant article Mike, it’s great to see that someone cares about the youth of this country and is trying to at least offer them guidelines. Unfortunately the heathens on here would prefer to just masturbate themselves into a frenzy of insanity and encourage others to do the same.
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2:41 pm
Agreed. Life is one big circling jerking session to these depraved souls. I hope that they know that Jesus is watching every stroke with rapt attention.
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3:24 pm
“I hope that they know that Jesus is watching every stroke with rapt attention.”
Then I at least hope he enjoys what he sees
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4:50 pm
He doesn’t. In fact, whenever he sees one of his children pleasuring their sin parts, Jesus sheds holy tears. That’s why I call this practice “weepsterbating”.
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5:07 pm
You really are a twisted little thing, aren’t you, Erich. *sigh* (shaking head)
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7:37 pm
Anyone that wrist wrestles ol’ one eye or finger flicks the fish hole folds needs to remember that Jesus watches every stroke while hanging crucified from the cross because of their actions.
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10:37 am
“He doesn’t. In fact, whenever he sees one of his children pleasuring their sin parts, Jesus sheds holy tears. That’s why I call this practice “weepsterbating”.”
He should call the police.hahahahahhaha
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10:49 am
I was waiting for this comment
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8:42 am
Ya “Erich Sean” Says
That Jesus is watching every stroke with rapt attention.
So Jesus is “peeping tom Homosexual pervert”
I expect he gets his jollies watching men and Boys Wanking
“Good Sale for the Religion”
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2:22 pm
xD da fuck?
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2:33 pm
Thanks for your well-thought out comment. Maybe some time in the future they will invent a computer program that will translate your incomprehensible, self-masturbatory jargon into English.
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2:59 pm
Thanks for the smartass comment. Maybe some time in the future they will invent a computer program that will make you not sound like total pathetic asshole.
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4:29 pm
You’re asking an awful lost from ANY program. Whew…
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4:30 pm
Meant “lot”, not “lost”.
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9:03 am
They did years ago it was called BASIC
Still to complicated for their little brains
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6:03 pm
This one has always bothered me. I believe God Created those sin parts. I could have sex out of marriage, which have a lot of consequences, like devaluing the opposite sex, possible disease, and unplanned pregnancy. Our free will has no factor in this. We get sexual urges. They directly and chemical effect our brain. Should women not ride a horse bareback for long amounts of time or fear the preparation for hell. Is wearing velvet paints with no underwear a sin for a male. (ps has happened to me before) If I believed in this way I would have to put blame on God for tempting me to do evil by design and that is not what I believe. I think values around sex and commitment are a better way to go. If this really is a sin btw then I bet people like ol’Dan Nordgren, would be all for genital mutilation. Practiced in a few religions and is repaired to the extent to which you can have children once married. I mean we already take off our foreskin. Its 2012 and we could impregnation completely without sex. Smears the line be tween a homosexual relationship and best friends though.
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7:08 pm
Kitty’s smelly? Aha ha ha ha ha ha…
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10:00 pm
At first I thought my friend posted some satirical, ironic website on masturbation, but after reading this crap, I can’t believe the author is actually serious. You Jesus-freaks are unbelievable. Half of the most repulsive, disgusting sex-freaks, child molestoes, and rapists are all devout hard-core Christians. The hypocrisy of it all is remarkable.
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11:28 pm
i touch my self to the girl you seem to be posting all over the site now.
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12:05 am
“Is touching yourself worth and eternity in hell?” Do you people ever think before you write things down? Maybe we should all just try this, stop critising others on things that don’t effect your life and Hmm maybe get a life? People will go to hell for masturbating? Where in the bible does it say that, since you all seem to believe that it’s all in there. Last time I checked it never said that and guess what I had to do for 10 years straight? Bible study. Not once did it ever, ever say those ridiculous things. People have the freedom to do whatever the hell they please. If touching yourself sends you to hell I think your religious system might be a little, hmm what’s the word.. RADICAL. As in CRAZY. I got a laugh out of the point that you think that calling the cops and a priest will help you when you find out someones masturbating. I got a good laugh out of that. Will you give them a full exorcism too. You people are crazy.
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9:14 am
Is this shit for REAL???? WTF is wrong with you people
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8:25 am
Matthew 7:1-2
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
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10:31 pm
Now, if you can get the rest of the members here to adhere to that, you will INDEED be a miracle worker. (Well, it would be a miracle.) AMEN, Mr. Harper!
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12:47 pm
The foundation for a better tomorrow is unbiased and reputable. It is good to see their resources put to use.
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12:02 am
Ok. if you honestly believe that you are a retard..
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10:12 pm
Dude, it’s called masturbating, wanking, spanking the monkey, sexy alone time, and beating your meat. This never told me about any thing. Nice use of excel by the way. All goth kids don’t do drugs and acne is never a sign of an sti. You probably don’t know this, but it’s the 21st century. Get used to it. It’s not like your “good ol days”.
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11:34 pm
Don’t forget choking the snake.
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10:21 pm
don’t forget using the bathroom is a sin will you be making a story on that one I mean think of all the people who take a crap.
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10:26 am
“97% of all men who self-touch will become impotent by age 32.”
hahahahhahahaha
You forgat to say that you can get blind and that you can get hairy hands.
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11:59 pm
fun fact
80% of men masturbate
78% of women masturbate
and the rest lie
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8:09 am
True story.
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8:28 am
So now it’s Obama’s fault we masturbate? Good grief when will you psycho’s just grow up?
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8:30 pm
You self-righteous son of a bitch. “Slap her into honesty.” What the hell kind of sexist comment is that?! How DARE you, and “Contrary to what women would have you think, they are deceptive little vixens who cannot resist a pulsing pleasure in their nether regions.” you sound just like THE ASSHOLE WHO RAPED ME. Do you hear yourself? I, in all my life, have NEVER EVER EVER wanted to have that disgusting reproductive organ inside of my Vagina, and NEVER WILL because of assholes like you. I cannot believe the idiocy in this article. SHAME ON YOU.
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8:45 pm
Don’t take Mikey too seriously, GS. You have to “consider the source” when you read their…..”articles”.
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8:32 am
Mike teaches the truth. He is a true lamb of God. It is so very sad to see such an overwhelming resistance to God’s truth. You negative, slanderous atheists out there, shame on you!!! This is a slap in the face. Mike should be made a saint with the inspiration he has sewn in the souls of good Christian folks. Those who vilify God’s servants on Christwire are advancing the devil’s goals, whether you like to believe it or not. Good is good and evil is evil; do not twist the two, you heathens out there.
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9:09 am
“Good is good and evil is evil; do not twist the two, you heathens out there.”
Yeah! Leave that to the “story-tellers” on here. They’re doing JUST fine without any….outside help.
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11:23 pm
It’s totally worth it.
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5:49 pm
disease*. If this really is a sin btw then I bet people like ol’Dan Nordgren, would be all for genital mutilation. Practiced in a few religions and is repaired to the extent to which you can have children once married. I mean we already take off our foreskin. Its 2012 and we could impregnation completely without sex. Smears the line be tween a homosexual relationship and best friends though.
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5:51 pm
read again, Those are the consequences of sex out of marriage I was referring to. Masturbation prevents those things.
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5:57 pm
Because no one else will touch you.
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8:45 am
I like the saying
“” BETTER A FUCK IN HELL THAN A WANK IN HEAVEN “”
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