Lebron James and Shane Battier almost assuredly sacrifice virgin children to ensure Championship

Typically when teams win championships, it is due to the skills graced to them by God, refined using the gyms and coaches placed by God, and with the blessing based on which team had the stronger overall belief. As evidenced by the 3 Super Bowl wins Jon Kitna bestowed upon the Detroit Tigers, a strong belief in God pays higher dividends than anything any individual can do in the own power. Yet something is afoul in Miami.

After rigorous investigative reporting and speculation, there is very conclusive evidence that Lebron James and Shane Battier, battier being french slang for “battering the anus”, are sacrificing children to win a championship. Lebron came to Miami because it is the mecca for homosexuality. His first attempts to create a dungeon of debauchery in Ohio was thwarted by the God fearing republicans who valiantly run the state, therefore he decided to take his sex swings, anal lube, Handycam and butt plugs to south beach. His arrival was welcomed by the homosexual denizens who infect the area.

A local homosexual citizen by the name of Julian Gagne, who elected to remain anonymous to protect his “in the closet status”, exclaimed that he was finally given a place to practice gay and homosexual sex acts. He was most excited about taking an “anal fisting up to the elbow”, and was paid money by Lebron James to be videotaped in the act. I’m not entirely sure what an anal fisting up to the elbow entails, but typing it into the google would surely punch my one way ticket ticket to hell.

It is widely known throughout the basketball world that Lebron is The King of cradling balls.

At the same time, Texas Rockets player Shane Battier was tired of his Rave Clubs constantly being shut down due to code violations. For my christian brethren who may not know, Raves are typically places where adult men go to meet and have sex with teenaged males and females after injecting extacy and GHB, typically combining the two and sharing needles and condoms. Yet again, south beach drug and sex shop proprietors welcome the increased revenue brought by Battier’s “In AND Out” club. Which is a direct reference to his desire for anus to both expel waste materials while taking in large objects.

My investigation has lead me to believe Battier and James learned their teammate Udonis Haslem was illegally under the influence voodoo magicks, and the power of these dark arts intrigued them. After extensive research, their first target must have the young upstanding Guarder for the Chicago Bulls, Derrick Rose. His ACL injury took place the same week 6 different children went missing in Dade County Florida. Given the scarcity of missing children in Florida, this could nary be a coincidence. Likewise, a standard number of missing children in Florida were reported during the Boston-Miami series. I can only speculate the Heat knew they didn’t need the help because of superior ball handling skills and crippling arthritis.

The gnarled hand of Celtics Team Captain Ray Allen attempting one of his patented Slamming Dunks

Battier and James were seen in many pre-schools “doing charity” in the days before the finals. When I discovered the schools and interviewed teachers, they confirmed my suspicions that many children went missing. The teachers became worried when Battier and Lebron would suddenly burst out in fits of cackling and chortling while reading stories. Sadly, for fear of their lives the teachers didn’t confirm that Battier and Lebron shoved the children into rolling luggage. But they also didn’t deny the fact that Battier and James threw these innocent children into a Samsonite prison.

Immediately after these charity events the Miami zombie attack transpired. I can only speculate that an attempt to revive Eddie Curry’s career from the dead instead turned a local man into a bloodthirsty zombie. After this initial failure, the current play of the Heat and the inability of the Thunder to actually use any teamwork has me convinced that their hex was ultimately successful.

While the series is still ongoing, the Heat will convincingly win with the power of the dark arts behind them. Such a move as hexing an entire team and influencing a man of God to turn to cannibalism must have cost at least three or four dozen virgin children. We can only pray that a championship quenches their bloodlust or God stops this unholy practice.

For my Christian brethren I recommend staying away from anything and everything Heat related for the sake of your soul. This includes but is not limited to; Heat jerseys and memorabilia, the television show “In the Heat of the Night”, the movie “Heat”, any other movie staring Robert DeNiro and/or directed by Michael Mann, and even my personal favorite song “Hot Hot Hot” by Arrow. As someone who had a brother murdered by gays practicing voodoo I can only hope my loyal readers heed my precautions and save their eternal souls.