Minecraft To Ban Unauthorized Church Construction Following Wave Of Burnings
Following an unprecedented wave of church burnings, Jens “Jeb” Bergensten, current head of the wildly popular independent game Minecraft, has announced that on October 31st, all Minecraft subscribers will receive a mandatory update that will prevent the construction of any unauthorized churches.
“We thought long and hard about this,” Bergensten explained in a statement posted on the official Minecraft wiki website, “but we cannot allow this madness to continue.”
All new churches will require 501c3 tax exempt status, proof of which will need to be mailed to Minecraft’s headquarters in Mojang, Sweden. Once established, a license key will be mailed back through postal mail to the Minecraft subscriber, allowing the Minecraft player to build their church. Each license key will be applicable for one church. Any subscriber wishing to build another church will be required to request another license key.
William Anthony “Bill” Donohue, current president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights in the United States hailed the move, but expressed surprise at Bergensten’s reaction. “To be honest, I never thought a Swede would have this much respect for the house of God. But you know what they say – sometimes God works in mysterious ways.”
The issue regarding church burnings in Minecraft was first noticed when YouTube users discovered that a search for “Minecraft church burning” yielded more than 100 results. After outraged parents contacted Minecraft’s corporate headquarters, the decision came quickly.
“When I invented Minecraft, I wrote it for people like me, extreme introverts with no life. We weren’t looking for this kind of attention,” stated Swedish creator Marcus “Notch” Persson. “Coming from country with an official state church, this kind of behavior smells of sedition.”
Some in the Minecraft community have suggested that despite attempts to put the matter to rest, today’s announcement opens up potential for further controversies in the future. A planned update to the “book” feature in Minecraft was to allow users the ability to assign titles to books. Bergensten announced that Mojang would be carefully monitoring how the community behaves after the update. “If Minecraft users continue to burn churches,” he observed, “we might have to require specific licenses for users to name books with religious titles such as the Bible. Time will tell.”
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Author: Kelvin Fortescue
Kelvin Maximillian Fortescue is an investigative journalist specializing in science, religion, and politics. Nothing stops him from plumbing the darkest depths of the pantheistic/atheistic liberal agenda. Friend him on Facebook!
12:48 pm
Following Christwire tradition, if you can’t actually report on news, make shit up about what’s popular.
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1:04 pm
A FANTASY STORY FOR A FANTASY COMPUTER GAME
WONDER IF KEVIN IS A PEDOPHILE AND A HOMOPHOBIC RANTER
TIME WILL TELL
“WE ARE WATCHING YOU”
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1:24 pm
Judging from the comments so far, it looks like Minecraft was right to clamp down on the hatred.
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2:00 pm
You look at two comments and claim that they were right when the whole thing never even happened?
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1:54 pm
This didn’t happen…I can boot up Minecraft right now and build a church with no consequence…In fact, I might do it right now…Javent played Minecraft in quite some time…
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3:51 pm
So many “new” stolen people why on earth, made millions of years ago, would they do that i wonder.
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5:48 pm
Went on about 5 servers and each one had a church in them.
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5:51 pm
What about “on October 31” can nobody hear understand?
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6:02 pm
I bet $20 right now, that on November 1…This never happens to Minecraft and that Kevin is full of shit
-Mr.O
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5:06 pm
Yeah what a load of BS. Majong would never do something like that. I’ve been playing since the INDEV phase and Majong has never said that you are not allowed to create a church.
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8:12 pm
It’s like the rapture they where talking about all the time on this site, due to crappy and bad math they just change the date over and over.
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10:58 am
The one common thread we see in all of these detracting comments is their complete comfort with burning the house of God. That should tell you something right there.
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11:30 am
You find comfort in burning and killing and torturing people who don’t agree with you, and yet you get pissed off when no one cares about your cult?
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4:33 pm
Yep like a true cult.
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1:08 am
yeah i dont buy this for one second
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11:26 am
Minecraft is striking me more and more as a subliminal liberal brainwashing mill. I’m almost thinking the CIA needs to investigate this some more, because the game is eroding our Christian heritage in this country.
It’s already brainwashed people into secreting homosexuality into their homes, now this. What’s next, abortions?
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11:29 am
How? It’s basically a glorified game of Legos with some monsters you can fight. Then again, it also requires creativity and thought, something you absolutely loath and hate for others to do.
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4:50 pm
“Never Played it but if its as you say It’s basically a glorified game of Lego then
its a great game for the lego Club building smegma fudge packer BullShitter D(ickbreath)anus
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9:41 pm
Question – were you born this retarded?
Seriously, my little sister has been playing Minecraft for a few years now, she’s not really open about her religious views (I’m atheist) and she gets scared t the thought of a girl loving another girl and doesn’t really approve of homosexuality. But that’s her view and I respect that though I disagree with her. I myself am straight but possibly slightly bicurious at the moment – just a phase most people go through at my age.
But answer me this – how the hell can a survival game about you creating a home and surviving monsters and whatever other dangers there are make you homosexual?!
There’s a server with a boy slightly older than my sister and with the end of each shoutout message he always says to thank god for people to be here and play his game. It’s mining not Brokeback Mountain.
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8:33 pm
actually its been 1 year minecrtaft is officially On ( well approx 1 year )
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8:34 pm
so You wnat CIA to Inestigate a video game that is Not even in your country ( well I assume) and you wnat to forbid everyone else the Joy of this game because it’s not techniclaly “christian” ?
are you relaly that paranoid
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2:12 am
Kelvin how would you know if any of this stuff is true. It make no sense whatsoever for this to even be true.
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12:39 pm
This is total BS. why? there is nothing on the wiki about it, and MCF would have done an article about it. btw, your handbook is written by an asshat. also, i thought you weren’t supposed to pose as a deity, which you are not following, as you say you will burn in hell, when only jesus and god can do that.
Sincerely,
A bisexual woman who likes men’s clothing.
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5:44 pm
lol this site fucking fails all day any day
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11:22 pm
Guess what? The new minecraft update happened and none of the things you guys said happened. Care to say “I’m sorry for lying” christwire?
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3:07 am
This site never fails to entertain me. and im a piece of bacon.
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4:05 pm
First time on the site, saw this article, read it, made my day. I needed a laugh.
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8:38 pm
hmm How come I can make a chapel and I can even Make wood Cross ?
also the church is made of cobblestone it,s can’t be burn down ( only wood and spdierweb can be burn down also critter)
also you are kind of paranoid Is ee adam wnating to Ban the game entirely because it’s might plague his country
the biggest plague is fascist racist and xenophobe like the christian you are
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11:52 am
Ah, another ‘wonderful’ post. I like to read the articles on this site just for the amusement of how stupid people are.
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8:54 pm
This is easily onion-quality. Totally false, but presented extremely well.
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3:31 am
I pay attention to this sort of stuff, I’m a teenage boy that plays minecraft alot in no way in hell is this true.
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1:53 pm
You don’t even need to play Minecraft to know that this is wrong.
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4:03 am
Kelvin must have died cause it’s almost oct 31st.
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8:37 pm
N0, he’s just t00 pussy t0 admit that he was wrong.
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