The two pictured mermaid sirens are among a half-dozen female mermaids that have been spotted in the Mississippi River through Saint Louis, Missouri. Tonight, the Discovery Channel will feature an interview with those who have come across the now infamous “River Maidens of Mayhem” and survived the encounter To date, three men in Saint Louis have been reported missing after the first sitings.
Saint Louis, Missouri - A real life mermaid body has turned up in Saint Louis. The recent discovery of genetically engineered mermaids along the US seaboard was very concerning, but now that the mermaids have magically evolved the ability to live in fresh water brings an all new worry to US ecologists and brings an entirely new danger to your family.
Marine Lewell Coffman recently returned home from Afghanistan. To enjoy his well earned freedom of home, the marine went down to the Mississippi River to sit along the bank and bask in the cool midnight air. Coffman’s plans sooned turned for the worse after he heard a ‘beautiful voice’ that put him into a trance.
“The night air was so cool and the water felt great on my skin. A voice was luring me through the smooth water, deeper and deeper. I hardly even noticed I was being pushed downstream. The body behind the voice was beautiful: wet, taut and beckoning. I gave into her warm embrace and went to kiss her. But then, I noticed a strong smell of tuna and saw her tail flint in the moonlight. I tried to swim away but she grabbed me and tried to bite my arm. I knew it was a mutant mermaid I’d heard about in a debriefing. I grabbed the knife from my cargo shorts and we fought, apparently I won.”
The encounter of the marine came days before a local fisherman found another mermaid body in the river.
Local fisherman S.L. Clemons was spooked while he was mudkip diving in the local river. “I went down to haul some catfish but they just weren’t biting, so I started to dive for mudkips. Then, sort of floating in the bank, I saws a shock of white fluffed hair and went to investigate. I pulled it up thinking it was a duck or some such, but then I saw that face and I ranned like the dickens for my truck. I got my shotgun and came back, shot it twice and the shot bounced right off. I says to myself, I says, ‘Self, this ain’t no human body. This look like a mermaid body.’”
That personal account from Clemons proves one thing: these mermaids are tough. Officials took control of the mermaid body as of late yesterday afternoon, but local sources are saying that reports of the mermaid’s ‘abnormally dense skin’ are reported as true. Though no cause of death has been determined, it’s thought the unusually high heats of this summer may have simply proven to much for this new species of mermaid.
What’s terrifying to local scientists in Missouri is the simple fact that mermaids can now live in the river. Before, mermaids have been exclusively salt water creatures. But now, they are bringing their siren terrorism and flesh lures up close and personal to internal midwestern cities.
While the full dietary needs of mermaids is unknown, accounts and stomach content analysis reveals mermaids do eat the flesh of men. With the lesbian pacu fish and mermaids spooking US waterways this summer, it’s prudent that any man stay out of pools, fresh water and the ocean until a military strike against these animals has been put into plan.