Movie Review: Abraham Lincoln, Twilight Vampire Hunter
Rating: H (Holy Fun for the Family) for anti-wizardry, anti-witchcraft, Medieval anti-vampire rage, anti-homosexual twinkle fingerings, anti-twiddle rompus, denounces Satanic love spells, anti-evolution, Abe rejects Bella thigh exposures, shows danger, aborting vampire fetuses, Republican Christian values, great in 3d
It is a rare treat when we can say that a mainstream Hollywood movie is great for the entire family, but with the new film Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter we have just that.
This brilliant film is the work of Lionsgate, a Christian film company that gave us the thrilling Left Behind series and the Captain American-centric The Avengers. This movie is more Christian Americana, as American legend and hero Abraham Lincoln overcomes death and returns to hunt down those who are trying to destroy the country he helped God hold together by strength of faith, heart and America’s Christian tradition.
Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter (released Ye Olde President Abraham Lincoln, Twilight Vampire Hunter in European Theatres) is the first of an expected trilogy. The movie starts out with a scene we all know too well.
Abraham Lincoln sits in Ford Theater, taking in a play when a cross-dressing theater lesbian (thespian, for short) named John Wilkes Booth allegedly shoots Abraham Lincoln in the head. The public instantly mourned the loss of their president and took solace that his killer, John Wilkes Booth, was allegedly shot down and killed himself.
But unbenownst to America at the time, there was something more dangerous talking place than the Civil War. There was a conspiracy, a plan of an ancient European vampire tribe calling themselves The Confederacy that would see their ancient kingdom of Wallachia was rerisen in America. And John Wilkes Booth was not simply a lesbian, but rather, an agent vampire that could only be shackled and buried, not killed.
John Wilkes Booth looks outward in a chained lesbian’s enthralled yet lusty eye rage. She was shot multiple times but did not die, so Union soldiers tied her up and buried her deep under a hidden location in the Virginia countryside. The people at the time did not have the means or knowledge of how to kill a vampire.
The Southern States of America, the Confederacy, were not lead by human beings. They were, instead, lead by vampires. Two ancient vampires had made their way to the ‘New World’ and sought to establish a new order. Their ultimate goal was to usurp the American presidency and prepare a kingdom that their ancient lord, Vlad Tepes (Dracula) could rule.
Through a series of flashbacks, the movie reveals Abraham Lincoln had a close relationship with God. Like many American presidents after him, God would whisper in his ear and let him know what things to do. God whispered to Abe that something was wrong with the Southern states and that he would have to beat them back to normalcy. Abe did not fully understand what he was up against, but obeyed God’s orders. And with God’s help, Lincoln was able to end to vampire conspiracy, and thus Satanic conspiracy, to usurp God’s nation of America.
But then, Abe Lincoln was killed and the vampires started a new, more subtle plan, to overtake America. And that’s where this movie’s action really picks up.
The movie fast forwards to near modern times, where Lieutenant Archangel Abraham Lincoln is overlooking the bedroom of a young vampire addicted woman named JRK Rowling and learning about how he was killed by vampires for the first time. Rowling has collected a large sum of vampire spellbooks and with her friends, has started to do ancient blood orgy rituals and writing a series of books about sparkly vampires that teenaged girls cannot resist. Abraham Lincoln tries to speak to the young woman before she officially launches her book, but her soul is so black she cannot hear his pleas. And a vampire virus quickly spreads through the minds of America’s children.
In only weeks, over 50 million children were addicted to vampirism. Abe Lincoln pleaded to God to let him have his body back, as he suspected his old rivals Jefferson Davis, General Lee and John Wilkes Booth were still alive and well. A new order of vampires had taken a compoud for themselves in South Texas and the military could not penetrate it with any weapon. A Satanic vampire shielf was protecting it. From this compound were being produced all sorts of vampire movies, clothings and spell books.
God gave Lincoln permission to rise from the dead, so that he could end the ridiculous spread of vampiric sexuality in the world’s youths and stop the new cult from overtaking America, much as it had almost done during the 1860s.
Soon after getting his body back, Abe Lincoln flew to the Vatican and had his old axe blessed by The Pope’s Holy Water. This scene was symbolic, in showing that no modern weapon can overcome Satan’s evil other than that given by God. This powerful scene shows why America must always remain a Christian nation if we want to stay safe.
By the time Abe returned to America, the Vampire Confederacy knew he was arisen and sent John Wilkes Booth to track him down as he drove on an old Texas road.
John Wilkes Booth