Mike Watson may be contacted at The Holymailbox or his facebook for questions and addendums regarding this shocking story.
Eyes perpetually glossed with the most addictive marijuana residues and spirits all but defunct, the mouths of naive Electronic Daisy raver chicks chirp open in sexual glee as they wait to be plied with more Tweetie Flipper’s liquid ecstasy induced acid trips.
Only a year ago, the image above opened up my first person account of DJ Kascade’s EDC block party in Hollywood, California. The story was terrifying: I witnessed dozens of innocent fraternity men forced into sinful horizontal dancing by bountiful raver chicks, drug-fueled flash mobs monkey-stomping cars and committing orgy acts and most sickening, one officer being reverse sodomized by a throbbing gristle.
The event was truly terrifying and DJ Kascade later apologized to me and several other ChristWire interns who were caught up in the chaos and had to flee the scene. My report of the event caused the Mother’s Alert Network (MAN) and thousands of you parents to write to us, scared that your son or daughter may be caught up into the dangerous rave culture.
But there were thousands of letters, from people saying that the famous Bowers’ Expose and my ground report of the raver culture was not all what we were making it out to be. These ‘EDC Ravers’ claimed Skrillex is not a lesbian wasp fashionista and even more shocking, claimed they aren’t all master drug alchemists with Satanic powers. There was even one letter that stated PLUR did not stand for Phallic Lusting Until Release. Several of these ravers invited me to come witness their culture and live it firsthand. Being the brave journalist I am, I accepted their challenge and sat down to interview a Go-Go rave dancer named Jasmine, whose ‘band’ named Digital Envy is known as some of the best dancers in their locale.
Two men named DJ Jones and DJ Gaston invited me to a place named ‘The Boobie Trap’, where there would be a ‘Resistance Rave’. When I walked in to the bustling venue, I could instantly feel Satan’s drum and bassed music rattling my soul. There were hundreds of people all around, wildly dancing about and drinking devil’s nectar. A DJ named YungBee was mixing sounds on the stage and all the multitude of sumptuous, taut women in attendance could not stop dancing all around with everyone. My morality-sense went haywire, twitter tingling with fear of potential danger that could be brewing there. Was I literally walking into a Boobie Trap?
Soon I was greeted by a remarkably sweet raver named Jasmine. She had mysterious power of lights named “Poi“, which I figured was the Japanese word for ‘I will hynotize you with hallucinogenic POIsons and while you are passed out, do all sorts of shameful things to your body’. But as Jasmine explains it, that’s not what Poi means at all. Here’s the interview:
Raver Jasmine Kelty wields the Power of Green Poi, which instantly captivates anyone within a 30 foot radius.
ChristWire: How long does it take you to mesmerize a man with your ‘Poi Powers’?
Raver Jasmine Kelty: Haha. Well, to be honest, it doesn’t take long to mesmerize anyone with my poi skills. Though, I think my fiancee is the only man I’d want to be gawking over my awesomeness. Haha.
Also, raves aren’t as bad as a lot of people make them seem. Parents make them seem as if they’re some sort of giant death battle or something. Sure, drugs usually do appear, but what you’ve got to know is that you raised your kid right enough to not do them.
ChristWire: Who are your favorite sinful scene bands?
Raver Jasmine Kelty: I’d have to say Combichrist and Faderhead, which are industrial bands. Other than that I’d have to say DJ S3RL.
Jasmine and several friends show how to ‘jam out’ to raver music. In the past we’ve reported that this sort of dancing tricks men into turning into fathers and makes Satan suddenly appear, wildly stamping his feet and taking greedy hits of E all while he shakes his fiery mane in delight at all the sin. According to Jasmine and several other ravers, all these terribly scary things are not true.
ChristWire: Have you ever jammed out to any music by Skrillex/Knife Party/DeadMau5?
Raver Jasmine Kelty: Yeah. I’ve jammed out to music by all of them. I think most people probably have at some point.
ChristWire: Is it true that GloPaint is infused with all sorts of crazy, insane drugs that will make everyone start thrusting crazily around and have massive raver orgies?
Raver Jasmine Kelty: I’ve actually never heard of that, but I don’t think that’s true. The rave scene isn’t about all that crap that people make it out to be. It’s about the love of the music and the concept us ravers choose to live by, which is PLUR. PLUR is an acronym for Peace, Love, Unity, Respect. It’s a big motto for a lot of us. We’re just a big group of people that share an awesome amount of respect for the same type of music.
ChristWire: So PLUR does not stand for Phallic Lunging Until Release? Interesting.
Young man using the mystic powers of a Skrillex haircut to instantly attract two ravers to his side. Our sources are not able to identify the hand symbol being used, but it’s probably something subliminal and sinister.
ChristWire: What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen while dancing?
Raver Jasmine Kelty: I’ve never really seen anything ‘crazy’. I mean, the first time I saw poi was pretty great. If I remember right, I had to stop dancing for a minute. The first time you see that kind of thing is just amazing. It looks nearly impossible, but once you get into it you start to realize that it’s really not. I mean, it takes A LOT of hard work and practice, but if you try hard enough it’s completely worth it.
ChristWire: Where do you buy the fluffy raver boots?
Raver Jasmine Kelty: The ‘raver boots’ are actually referred to as ‘fluffies’. You can buy them online usually and they have a wide variety of selections to choose from. It’s pretty awesome. I’m so used to wearing them when I dance that I feel completely wrong without them. Haha.
Editor’s Note: Join us in several weeks where we revisit to scene to investigate the inner-workings of Wet Tshirt Raver Contests, PoiSpinning, and Jello Wrestling. Sounds like a sticky mess of sin.