Burning Man Festival Causes Hurricane Isaac, 70 Earthquakes in California
Image Credit: Wikipedia – Burning Man, 2012
Heathen children utter the written lyrics from post-modern Satan-worship bands the The Atheist Phish, Snoop Lion and DJ Kalafi, until sweat drips down their brow and they summon The Burning Man himself, Satan.
Every year, pagan anarchists gather in the Black Rock Desert area of nothern Nevada to do the unthinkable. Equipped with ancient knowledge passed down from the times of Vlad Tepes, The Church of the Devil’s modern followers mix ancient, dark rites with modern electronica music, lurid drugs and wanton carnality, calling the festival The Burning Man. At the end of their ceremonies, beyond the hazy musk of unwed baby creation and armpits devoid deodarant, smolders a tall, imposing figure. It is Satan, called to Earth to celebrate ‘his chosen birthday’ if the festival has met his approval. And since 1989, is has.
Historians report that the reemergence of the Burning Man cult started in Malibu, California, during the summer of 1989. Several friends from Brentwood were diving off the coast and came across a decrepit old chest that had stone-engraved tablets within. The tablets were written in ancient Romanian, with close inspection of the artifacts revealing human bone fragments were likely done to do the engraving.
After getting the tablets translated, the friends performed the rituals as demanded — playing songs by Chris DeBurgh and Sinead O’Connor while doing flesh touching ritual with each other – - and to their shock, Satan appeared before them and applauded. Several of the friends thought perhaps it was all the copious amounts of drugs the ritual demanded to be consumed, but a VHS tape confirmed the impossible: written on their tablets were instructions on how to call Satan to Earth, on the scientific day of his birth: the Summer Solstice.
Evil Satan drums and keeps cadence. When not summoning Satan, it is not uncommon for parishioners of unholy ceremonies to dress the part and welcome their Dark Lord to party with them. Here we see the Red Hot Chili Pepper’s David Grohl causing the crowd’s heart to beat to the foottaps of Satan at Burning Man 2011. David Grohl personally caused the real Satan to appear only 4 hours later.
It’s estimated that by week’s end, over 70,000 people will descend into the depths of this madness at Black Rock Desert and allow themselves to be taken over by all the demonic ritual that takes place. The event is equally dangerous for men and women, girls and boys. All in attendance have a key, evil role to play in summoning the Burning Man, Satan.
Men: Married men are required to throw their wedding bands into a giant smeltering pot, so that their symbols of vows can be melted down and reformed into false idols that resemble Emmy awards. After ‘throwing off the shackles of marriage’, married men are allowed to join up with single men in Viagral lines, where they are given handfuls of the medicine along with potently addictive mind altering drugs like Cannabis.
Women: Women at Burning Man are not allowed to wear clothing. If you have a girlfriend or daughter who is just ‘spending a fun weekend at with friends’, congratulations, you’ve got a Satanic harlot in your life. After she is pumped full of Quaaludes and Uncle Tweety’s liquid Flipper LSD, her mind will be just a pliable, loose and willing as her body. She won’t remember a thing and remember, every single man has permastiff within his pants. Add the thrusting, bumping beats of all the musicians in attendance and the women’s timing method will be just right for a Satanic explosion of illicit impregnation and disease propogation.
It’s estimated that after Burning Man, STD rates for America suddenly jump by 9% and unplanned pregnancy by 24%.
Children: Children whose parents are rotten enough to bring them to Burning Man are forced into hard labor. Cleaning the spots of sin, fetching water for the bands and purportedly, but not confirmed, one must be thrown into Satan’s burning arms when he appears.
With all this evil taking place in the Nevada desert, it’s no wonder God is so angry that he’s giving us clear signs that we should be intervening and making this festival come to an end.
To the West, where Burning Man was first created, God has repeatedly banged his hands on his desk and caused 70 earthquakes in one day. To the East, God has postponed the GOP convention because there are more pressing matters. God has grabbed our attention with Hurricane Isaac and letting us know he has the power to ‘drench out’ any Burning Man, no matter the size.
Taking place in the mysterious Black Rock Desert of Las Vegas, Burning Man is considered one of the greatest mysteries of modern times. Hurricane Isaac is proof that God can drown any Burning Man, including Satan himself.
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Reverend Clyde H. Higgins
You're all sinners in the hands of an angry God, a spider dangling over the burning flames of hell and only protected by one silk thread. God has scissors ready and hates those who spin webs of sin.
10:30 am
So where do you get to the part where an event in NEVADA causes two entirely different events in CALIFORNIA and the OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY? Not only that, but weren’t you blaming something completely different for Hurricane Isaac not too long ago? It hasn’t even been a week and you’re already pinning the blame for nature on something completely different.
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11:22 am
Lol…The picture of Satan on the drums is from a movie…Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny…I love that movie
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11:42 am
This should be illegal in America. Summoning Satan has to break all sorts of local ordinance.
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11:51 am
Sure, summoning Satan would be wrong…Good thing they aren’t summoning Satan and doing so is impossible…
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12:47 pm
Why do you atheists deny what is in front of you? You can clearly see a giant, flaming Satan being summoned by the atheists. They are trying to hold him with chains if you look closely, but that doesn’t work. They are allowing him to walk the Earth in the middle of the desert. This should not be allowed.
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12:49 pm
It’s an effigy made of burnable material, NOT your imaginary enemy.
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1:02 pm
That is not a burning piece of wood, just look at it.
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1:26 pm
Get your eyes checked, Bum, that isn’t the devil.
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1:29 pm
http://0.tqn.com/d/sanfrancisco/1/0/c/S/-/-/Freedman_Burning_Man_10.jpg
See the giant wooden man on top the pyramid? That’s the burning man
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1:47 pm
Sounds like Egyptian Ra worship is involved now too. I never knew Burning Man was so evil. I wonder if the army can send a test nuke there since it is in the middle of the desert?
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1:59 pm
No deity is involved in this…And are you seriously this cruel to just nuke innocent people
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1:48 pm
Since when do you use proper punctuation, anyway? Are you really LN?
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4:21 pm
The Bum hates any human life that isn’t white, male, Christian, conservative, and American, and you have to be all of the above in order for him to give a damn.
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1:01 pm
It’s a giant wooden man they set on fire…That’s what the burning man is…
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8:40 am
“Why do you atheists deny what is in front of you? You can clearly see a giant, flaming Satan being summoned by the atheists. They are trying to hold him with chains if you look closely, but that doesn’t work. They are allowing him to walk the Earth in the middle of the desert. This should not be allowed.”
Why should atheists “summon satan” if they don’t believe in it?
Also, if people would be able to “summon satan”, then you should be able to “summon god” also. But you can’t do that, right?
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4:15 pm
Adam you are soooooooooooo stupid!!!!! why don’t you do some research about burning man and see why Larry first burnt the man.. I has NOTHING to do with satan. They hold it up with chains so it doesn’t just fall over, are you really STUPID!!!??? Either way stay ignorant and stay off the Playa
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1:11 pm
Adam Nelson, God wants you to know you are a retard.
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4:12 pm
Yup and dont forget that an estimated 2.3 billion people attend burning man every year. That is where an estimated 223 matches are used to crucify an estimated 593 children to an estimated 12 barn doors and are then injected with an estimate of 42 ml’s of anthrax and then sent back to their estimated families…. I estimate that this blog is an estimated retard factory.
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6:36 pm
dumbest guy ever, dave grohls summons satan with the foo fighters not the chilli peppers. what an idiot haha
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9:53 pm
And this entertainment for less than $500.00…..
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2:11 pm
Crap. I missed all that at this years burning man. I guess I was too busy doing Yoga, figure drawing, looking at art and serving root beer floats. Ah well, there’s always next year.
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3:47 pm
This guy could at least get his facts right. Burning Man did not originate with Southern Californians. They only moved out to the desert when the guys who started it were banned from burning on the Northern California beaches where they started. Why do so many people think Las Angeleans started Burning Man?
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4:09 pm
The Author of this article is so misinformed it’s unreal…
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2:16 pm
HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH (deep breath) AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH….now THAT”S comedy!
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3:24 pm
What???? I thought this was a joke for sure, but sadly realized it was not. This poor man is obviously very misinformed and mentally ill. I have attended this event for 5 years as a married catholic woman with my husband of 11 years, brother and sister in law. None of this is true. This is a beautiful art filled event that has nothing to do with Satan or child burning!? It is about all different kinds of people coming together to celebrate unity, music, art, love, nature, self reliance, and humanity. The man symbolizes the burning of human flaw, sins, new life..whatever you want it to be. It is not about the devil. Just like a Christmas tree reminds us of the birth of jesus, the burning man image reminds us we can be better, start over, celebrate success, and just let go and have fun. It reminds us to love life and that all these moments on earth are fleeting and can be gone too soon. It reminds us to be present in the now. Bottom line is this is a fun awesome place that is more filled with god than you will ever understand.
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5:10 pm
Well said!!! 2012 was my first burn and it was the most amazing experience I have ever encountered of kind, loving, earth conscience, and self reliant people!
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4:06 pm
I guess the “Christian” writing this forgot about his holy words “thou shalt not lie” but I would not expect anything less from ignorance!
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4:14 pm
LOL, you all know this is a joke right? LOL
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6:34 pm
this is GOLD
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6:53 pm
Heeelllp I’m being raped at burning man
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7:03 pm
Interesting how a website that theoretically promotes “values, morality, conservatism” would allow someone to fabricate such fantasies. Where on earth did you get that whole story about carved stone found in the sea? It’s well known that the first burn was held on Baker Beach in SF, some 4 hours away from Malibu by best method. and the first burn was in 1986, three years earlier than mentioned. As for the devil worshiping, well, clearly this is all scare tactics to keep young christians away from open minded survivalists.
Reverend, please, at least read the damn website before concocting crazy stuff like this…
And just what does your bible say about “bearing false witness”?
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9:41 pm
You’ve got to be kidding me right? But then I know some Christians are so hell bent on telling others what they think God thinks of them. Funny for I know God does not think nor act like Rev Higgins and Reverend you are not. Just more ignorance, finger pointing, judging from someone who should no better. Her Rev Higgins ever read Romans 2;1 from the apostle Paul, welll… “Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things”.
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10:55 pm
We were camped in the middle of the desert next to an old telephone booth that had no wires coming out of it, but, “Talk To God” painted on it. You my surprise, I discovered that if you picked up the handset, a voice said “Hello.” If you wanted to talk about religion or theology or Christianity, you could have a profound conversation with the voice on the other line. Of course, I had been drinking absinthe in the 100-degree desert all day, so whatever it was I said must have sounded totally vapid.
The message I took from it was, if all of a sudden the phone rings your God answers, do you know what you would say?
By the way, the last thing I said was “Thank you!”
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1:22 am
Man, I have obviously been camping in the wrong theme camp. We put on deodorant on Wednesday, and when we melted down our wedding rings we made whistles so we could whistle at the naked women. Now I’m really bummed. Well, we’ll get it right next year. Maybe we can hit earthquakes!
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5:15 am
I think the neighbor kids retroactively caused WWII by watching cartoons in a certain order, the old lady i saw at the bank may have caused Central America to be poor because she was drinking from a red and white can, and worst of all My cat may have caused famines by sleeping under a live oak tree. What can we do with these aweful beings?
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5:28 am
Very Funny! There really may be some people who would believe this to be real. No one believes this nonsense. Is this article from The Onion?
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5:33 am
By “this to be real” I mean the article. It’s obviously a parody. The author is some jokester.
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10:51 am
Wow! I cannot believe what I just read. As a man who grew up in the church, this is just the worst article Ive read in a long time. Nothing in this read makes sense, nor is it accurate. Firstly, within the 60,000 men, women, children that attend, there is no other population in the world that exhibits Christ-centered love, the same love the teachings of Jesus the Christ. That is probably the most important principle Im sure Jesus wanted every Christian to do. “Love you neighbor as yourself” There is no better place in the world that I know, not even the modern church in America, (and I was employed by Mennonite Brethren, Episcopalian, and the Lutheran Churches for over 10 years) that exhibits the love of Jesus than my brother and sisters at Black Rock City. You sir should check all of your facts because quite frankly, you should feel completely stupid for writing such a hateful article with completely wrong facts. Black Rock City is loving, patient, kind, gentle, non-envious, etc. Sound familiar?? Its no different than what you teach in your church, or do you not teach the fundamental fruits of the spirit? I don’t get your hatred.
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1:18 pm
If you believe in the Ten Commandments, there is a part about bearing false witness….with thousands of federal agents, state and local police crawling the area, I doubt anyone has the chance to immolate small children, let alone summon an imaginary demon.
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11:03 pm
What I love is how well this article is written, even if it is out of sheer ignorance and hate. What i find awesome to is how a picture of David Ghrol from Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny, somehow means he was at the burning man festival conjuring Satan.
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11:06 pm
Also when the hell was Ghrol in Red Hot Chili peppers… i want that album now, make this happen.
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12:20 am
This website, Christwire, is a satirical website. Don’t take it at face value.
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2:10 am
Your the funniest person I’ve ever read. I’m totally gonna keep up on your articles, Sorry about the whole summoning of Satan thing…..I wasn’t aware!! Must have been on the other side of the playa burning the massive EGO…..tooodles!
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2:47 pm
Come in, This is a hoax! Really funny one!
Heil satan
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3:37 pm
1. Dave Grohl is from the Foo Fighters
2. Where do you come up with such rubbish?
3. Have you actually been to a Burning Man? I doubt it. Well then how would you “know all of that?”
4. You need to read your bible more.
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11:10 pm
…I really hope you people are just playing along. I really do.
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12:34 pm
I am very upset with you Rev. Higgins. You should get your fellow priests to STOP molesting children first of all. Second stop! Just Stop! Why are you spreading hate?. Why did you sell your soul to Satin.?
MY SONS , Jesus, and his brothers Mohammed & Buddha, got together and Created Burning Man so that love may grow and spread through the world because if only 50K people can sync their love, once they leave, like a ripple in a pond the LOVE permeates throughout the world. Satin wants you to stop the love and the light so that the darkness will consume the world.
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3:23 pm
I for one agree with the writer! I mean how many dirty hippies so we really want dancing around a desert with no one around? Jesus is always around, but I think because of all of the sinning going on, Jesus might have ended up getting a contact high and sneezed to create the earthquakes… I also think Jesus likes NASCAR, and that European F1 racing is immoral, because only the sheep that like Jesus can understand a track shaped like an Oval (The most complicated shapes in the circle family), and with F1 they turn left and right on a track.. That is just way to much for a follower of Jesus to handle… Well that and Burning Man…
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9:52 pm
hurricane issac(burningman)was well under way starting in south africa and slowly moving towards the east coast weeks prior to burningman,your a complete moron….
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9:54 am
I’ve been to Burning Man three years running and every year I’ve seen the devil doing things to bannanas that is just sick! I’ve seen the devil eat the heads of children and rape horses in the middle of a field… I’ve also seen UFO’s land at the local McDonalds and also a hampster the size of a house with a vacuum cleaner singinging ‘God save the Queen’. I think Burning Man and the 3 million people thAt go every day should be given free housing and a pet rabbit. I hear that Burning Man was responsible for AIDS and also the sinking of the Titanic and also the death of JFKs dog.
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11:29 am
Do you have a right to judge others, without having walked in their shoes or actually experience the event? I suggest, Reverend that you consider joining us Burning Man and find out what its all about.
The Firth Principle of Spiritual Leadership: “People respond to arrogance with their own arrogance, which leads to polarization. The ideal is to constantly entertain alternative points of view so that you move from arrogance to inquiry, and then you have no need to demonize.”
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3:14 pm
Damn funny, but this very real post from a decade ago… not so funny. Or is it?
http://poweredbychrist.homestead.com/BurningMan.html
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4:14 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!A#$$(#@)(#*@$$ this is the most ridiculous thing ive ever seen. must be a joke. I also love that there’s a “Praise of Condemn” button next to each post.
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12:41 pm
Why are you all taking this so seriously? This site is like the Onion if all the stories were written by mock-conservatives.
It’s a joke. This isn’t a real article.
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7:27 am
Shhhhh!
Don’t ruin it, the responses are almost better than the article at this point
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7:20 pm
Oh man… I really needed a good laugh… can’t stop! Rev. Clyde…you should get a job at The Onion.
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7:39 am
I have been to Burning Man 12 years running… and somehow I alway miss Satan’s DJ Set.. I hear he is HOT on the Decks! He must be playing in one of those dark pleasure domes… Oh well… better luck next year..
The CAPT
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10:25 am
what makes people think, that an atheist would be belive in any kind of satan, i , myself as an atheist, do not belive in any of this mythology as being true.
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11:06 am
Anyone who believes all this baloney is really stupid and gullible. Burning Man is an arts festival, attended by your lawyers, doctors and other people you trust on a daily basis. Some of the artwork is burned at the end just for fun as a bonfire and to dispose of trash. Yours is the most ridiculous website I have ever seen.
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5:56 pm
Pagans don’t believe in Satan…that is a Christian concept. Instead of hate mongering why don’t you read your Bible word for word and figure out that YOUR God and YOUR Jesus did not condone hatred and intolerance.
Oh and by the way…Satan in that photo is dude in a SUIT! Wow…and we wonder why humanity cannot be helped.
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4:57 pm
This is hilarious! If it were anywhere but xwire, I’d share it!
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6:32 pm
Satan stole all my bacon, my gf, my male virginity, dignity and soul. this was the 7th time i’ve been. and i love the devil more and more each time!!! HAIL SATAN!!!
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