Image Credit: Wikipedia – Burning Man, 2012
Heathen children utter the written lyrics from post-modern Satan-worship bands the The Atheist Phish, Snoop Lion and DJ Kalafi, until sweat drips down their brow and they summon The Burning Man himself, Satan.
Every year, pagan anarchists gather in the Black Rock Desert area of nothern Nevada to do the unthinkable. Equipped with ancient knowledge passed down from the times of Vlad Tepes, The Church of the Devil’s modern followers mix ancient, dark rites with modern electronica music, lurid drugs and wanton carnality, calling the festival The Burning Man. At the end of their ceremonies, beyond the hazy musk of unwed baby creation and armpits devoid deodarant, smolders a tall, imposing figure. It is Satan, called to Earth to celebrate ‘his chosen birthday’ if the festival has met his approval. And since 1989, is has.
Historians report that the reemergence of the Burning Man cult started in Malibu, California, during the summer of 1989. Several friends from Brentwood were diving off the coast and came across a decrepit old chest that had stone-engraved tablets within. The tablets were written in ancient Romanian, with close inspection of the artifacts revealing human bone fragments were likely done to do the engraving.
After getting the tablets translated, the friends performed the rituals as demanded — playing songs by Chris DeBurgh and Sinead O’Connor while doing flesh touching ritual with each other – - and to their shock, Satan appeared before them and applauded. Several of the friends thought perhaps it was all the copious amounts of drugs the ritual demanded to be consumed, but a VHS tape confirmed the impossible: written on their tablets were instructions on how to call Satan to Earth, on the scientific day of his birth: the Summer Solstice.
Evil Satan drums and keeps cadence. When not summoning Satan, it is not uncommon for parishioners of unholy ceremonies to dress the part and welcome their Dark Lord to party with them. Here we see the Red Hot Chili Pepper’s David Grohl causing the crowd’s heart to beat to the foottaps of Satan at Burning Man 2011. David Grohl personally caused the real Satan to appear only 4 hours later.
It’s estimated that by week’s end, over 70,000 people will descend into the depths of this madness at Black Rock Desert and allow themselves to be taken over by all the demonic ritual that takes place. The event is equally dangerous for men and women, girls and boys. All in attendance have a key, evil role to play in summoning the Burning Man, Satan.
Men: Married men are required to throw their wedding bands into a giant smeltering pot, so that their symbols of vows can be melted down and reformed into false idols that resemble Emmy awards. After ‘throwing off the shackles of marriage’, married men are allowed to join up with single men in Viagral lines, where they are given handfuls of the medicine along with potently addictive mind altering drugs like Cannabis.
Women: Women at Burning Man are not allowed to wear clothing. If you have a girlfriend or daughter who is just ‘spending a fun weekend at with friends’, congratulations, you’ve got a Satanic harlot in your life. After she is pumped full of Quaaludes and Uncle Tweety’s liquid Flipper LSD, her mind will be just a pliable, loose and willing as her body. She won’t remember a thing and remember, every single man has permastiff within his pants. Add the thrusting, bumping beats of all the musicians in attendance and the women’s timing method will be just right for a Satanic explosion of illicit impregnation and disease propogation.
It’s estimated that after Burning Man, STD rates for America suddenly jump by 9% and unplanned pregnancy by 24%.
Children: Children whose parents are rotten enough to bring them to Burning Man are forced into hard labor. Cleaning the spots of sin, fetching water for the bands and purportedly, but not confirmed, one must be thrown into Satan’s burning arms when he appears.
With all this evil taking place in the Nevada desert, it’s no wonder God is so angry that he’s giving us clear signs that we should be intervening and making this festival come to an end.
To the West, where Burning Man was first created, God has repeatedly banged his hands on his desk and caused 70 earthquakes in one day. To the East, God has postponed the GOP convention because there are more pressing matters. God has grabbed our attention with Hurricane Isaac and letting us know he has the power to ‘drench out’ any Burning Man, no matter the size.
Taking place in the mysterious Black Rock Desert of Las Vegas, Burning Man is considered one of the greatest mysteries of modern times. Hurricane Isaac is proof that God can drown any Burning Man, including Satan himself.