ChrisTWire Appoints First Deputy Detective of Sarcasm To Root Out Atheist Sentiments
It has been brought to our attention over the past few weeks that there may or may not be undetected instances of sarcasm on ChrisTwire. For those of you not familiar with sarcasm, it is an atheist weapon that infiltrates God-loving discussions posing as genuine concern. It then proceeds to corrupt from the inside, like some sort of Darwin super-AIDS virus. If allowed to fester unchecked, eventually it turns friend against friend, warping praise into provocation. In the past, enemies of God such as Jon Stewart, Richard Dawkins, and Hitler have infamously deployed sarcasm with devastating effect. See, atheists are notorious cowards that cannot come out and say what they really mean. So, instead they created the passive-aggressive weapon known as sarcasm to circumvent having to ever make a real point. The bill stops here, Godless scum! ChrisTwire must draw upon its diverse user community to bring forth a champion to protect us from the pernicious threat of undetected sarcasm.
We have procured this sample of Atheist sarcasm although we are still unsure what point they are trying to make.
We are so pleased to announce that we have found the perfect thing for the job. Our very own L.N. will, from this day forth, be appointed ChristWire Deputy Detective of Sarcasm! She is truly a sleuth of snark, a master of rooting out these cloaked agents of destruction and pulverizing them with truth. Because L.N. already monitors this site 24 hours a day without sleep, he will receive zero monetary compensation for his efforts but will surely be rewarded with a speedy entry through the gates of God’s Kingdom. Her main duties will consist primarily of documenting possible cases of sarcasm and reporting them to us for official review. To prevent possible abuses of power, we will still not pick up the phone for L.N. but rather his reports will be submitted weekly at the bottom of each article’s comment section in a 20-30 paragraph response as per usual for her. L.N.’s first task will be to examine the comments of the following list of undesirables that plague this holy site — CelestialDeath, Mainiac58, Ouroborus, Passion Pitt, KBLME, 36, and Claire.
Artistic rendering of L.N. on patrol
And so L.N. shall become ChristWire’s smiter of satire, pounding away the evil-doers that lurk in its shadows. Consider your days numbered, undetected sarcasm. Oh, and evasive irony… YOU’RE NEXT.
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Wes F
12:03 pm
I’ve often wondered how LN does it. By my measure, sarcasm of the written word is completely undetectable. After all, one cannot hear any change in tonality or inflection of the voice or see the rolling of the eyes. Yet, somehow, LN manages to smash through this seemingly impenetrable barrier with the cold indifference of a battering ram. LN, Master of Sarcasm, I bow before thee.
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3:55 pm
Erich brings all the boy’;s to the year…
I do find it strange Erich Sean is not listed as a member of the band hmmm wonder why that is.
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3:56 pm
Oh ya they make it so images no longer post wonder why they did that too
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10:25 pm
???????
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12:05 pm
Hopefully this task will help divert LN’s lust for max into something productive. He has previously admitted to carnal relations with max and then gotten upset when called out about it. We just need to moniter him in case his flawed logic is pointed out because he then resorts to his standard f-you comeback.
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12:08 pm
Can you come up with something better than ‘hurr hurr dat persens gey’?
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12:23 pm
*derp, *durr, *that, *person’s, *gay. Your first post as sarcasm moniter is completely flawed. Quit dreaming about max’s creamy man thighs and concentrate on your job.
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12:25 pm
I see your intelligence will never improve.
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3:23 pm
L. N.
August 12, 2012
12:25 pm
I see your intelligence will never improve.
For that to happen your going to need the services of Dr franky Stein and several reconditioned brains from Currys Superstore’s
Christwirest are like dinosaurs they need two Brains one to think and one for locomotion . Except that Christwirest brains overheat after being asked for non bible sources and then they have to resort to “Faithfacts, its in the bible , my pastor explains it for me, God Does my Thinking for me.
its not in the bible so its a lie.
your in denial so you must be gay
Racist Homogay emosexual
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12:26 pm
“Seems a few of the “personalities” on here are starting to bleed together.”
I rest my case.
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10:35 pm
What you just said is far more homoerotic than anything I have ever seen or heard of L.N. posting. Please stop damaging your own arguments, it hurts me to see it.
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12:07 pm
So this asshole who has never spoken to me before, decides to use an insult that some other douchebag made.
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12:21 pm
I wouldn’t be so sure you’ve never talked to him before, L.N. Seems a few of the “personalities” on here are starting to bleed together. I have to say though, he has showed us what Christwire’s version of sarcasm is. Just go with it.
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12:32 pm
Fiddle, please leave the sarcasm detecting to professionals like LN. You’re embarrassing yourself more than usual.
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12:35 pm
Keep it up, MILF hunter. I don’t have to say a word. You and the “squid” should do just fine at making yourselves look like fools.
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3:07 pm
Mainiac58
August 12, 2012
12:35 pm
my 1st Sark attack !!
Keep it up, MILF hunter. (Sarcastic change to)
“Keep it up, BILF hunter. (boys i’d like to fuck).
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7:30 pm
“MILF Hunter”. I like it. Well played, Fiddle! Just like you are.
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8:31 pm
See, now you think you’re being cryptic, Rookie. But…you’re not.
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10:02 pm
Wait, are you being sarcastic? Let’s ask LN.
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12:33 pm
Keep going with your generalizations. I suppose you think all black people like watermelon, all mexicans like refried beans and all christians think alike. We do share a basic philosophy that would make it seem like we are alike, especially to an uneducated hick from the toothpick capital of the world.
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12:43 pm
What the Hell are you even talking about, Squid? Generalization? Just what do you consider about my post to be “generalizing”?
“…especially to an uneducated hick from the toothpick capital of the world.”
See, now I’ve been civil enough to you not to call you an inbred, under-educated, self-loving, “everybody” hating redneck and yet you chose not to return the favor. Yes, I can see now that our superiors in the Marines weren’t just talking out their a$$es.
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1:30 pm
What on Gods green earth are you talking about? Inbred? My maternal side is Irish and my paternal side is German so your assertion of inbreeding is proven false. Under-educated? I am college educated and I made it through the US Naval nuclear power school, the absolute toughest academic school the US military can offer. So again you are proven incorrect. Self loving is frowned upon in the bible so I don’t do that obviously. Everybody hating? Nope, again you are incorrect. I donate obscene amounts to charities anonymously. Redneck? While cherishing my midwest upbringing I have dined on escargot in Cannes France with women you can’t even dream of talking to. Hardly the mark of a redneck. As to you listening to your superiors? I have no superior, as a Mensa card carrying member (147 if you must know) I feel no need to defer my thinking abilities to others regardless of their rank.
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1:45 pm
“…as a Mensa card carrying member…”
Ahh, that’s the problem. Another “genius” who is too smart for his own good. You consider everyone “insignificant” compared to you and you’re more than happy to let them know. I stand corrected. Not under-educated, but “over”-educated. There’s a saying for people like you, Squid: “Pound wise, penny stupid”.
“…I feel no need to defer my thinking abilities to others regardless of their rank.”
Hmmm…so honorable or “Good of the Service” discharge, Squid? How many times did you tell your “superiors” that? Oh yeah, that’s right:
“I have no superior…”
THAT must have gone over big while you were in.
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8:56 am
what he doesn’t know is that I’m he only genius here.
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2:09 pm
In the Naval nuclear power program questioning of anyone was actively encouraged. It was a way to moniter everything was done correctly and safely. And sorry to spoil your fantasy but it was quite honorable. With thanks for a job well done.
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2:52 pm
“…it was quite honorable. With thanks for a job well done.”
Good for you. Same here.
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2:55 pm
Sean, you can tell us your grandpa’s stories all you want, that doesn’t mean that you were there.
“While cherishing my midwest upbringing I have dined on escargot in Cannes France with women you can’t even dream of talking to”
That’s what fantasy is all about, dreaming of doing those things. Clearly it’s all you do if you think you actually did any of that.
“As to you listening to your superiors? I have no superior, as a Mensa card carrying member (147 if you must know) I feel no need to defer my thinking abilities to others regardless of their rank.”
Sure you’re a member of an organization that consists entirely of highly intelligence people, and I’m from the future where pigs fly.
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6:03 pm
Sean Peterson
August 12, 2012
1:30 pm
as a Mensa card carrying member (147 if you must know)
“”an IQ of 147 is a meaningless claim unless you know the actual test which was used.”"
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12:48 pm
” I suppose you think all black people like watermelon, all mexicans like refried beans”
When the hell did Mainiac turn into Abe or Tyson?
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6:41 pm
Hey Burger Flipper, who’s personality do I blend with?
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6:55 pm
Why Mr. Ed, of course, Gelding. Who else?
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9:00 am
Seabuiscut.
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5:22 pm
L. N.
August 12, 2012
12:07 pm
“So this asshole who has never spoken to me before, decides to use an insult that some other douchebag made.”
“”Don’t ignore the way they log on with different avatars and names and support each other and their own posts with comments”" to “”Show moral support in insulting us non christwire non cultist”"
That’s why the personality’s seem to be merging for some of them.
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12:38 am
“So this asshole who has never spoken to me before, decides to use an insult that some other douchebag made.”
None of the Chris†wire Fellowship particularly enjoys talking to you but we must answer your slurs and lies to protect the women, youth, and other weak-minded Christians that resource this website.
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9:03 am
http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/424266_341452935935983_1275706978_n.jpg protect your children from terrible things!
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3:39 pm
L.N.’s first task will be to examine the comments of the following list of undesirables that plague this holy site — CelestialDeath, Mainiac58, Ouroborus, Passion Pitt, KBLME, 36, and Claire.
“”"Sarcasm Alert”"”
“” WHO IS CLAIRE “”
” Wes F Pick up the Phone Claire is on the line “
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6:50 pm
Didn’t read the article? Only LN is allowed to ring the sarcasm alarm! Keep your grubby little hands off of it.
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1:59 pm
As a Mensa card carrying member with an IQ of 147
what a brilliant intelligent reply.
I Shall have to just keep on pushing that buzzer and Keep on
ringing that Bell.
As Milly Nigga would say
“Is’a Chuffed Coon Dey Talkin bout mein duh Story
Is’a gonna buy me some southern fried Chickin and Melon to Cel rer ebrate”.
Bitch wer’ my crak pipe. Go Score Some Honky Skunk weed an turn a couple of tricks so u can buy me some beers at the 7-!!.
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8:43 pm
More racist filth from PeePee. Who’s surprised?
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10:13 pm
Not me!
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4:58 am
exbrony
August 14, 2012 at 8:43 pm
More racist filth from PeePee. Who’s surprised?
Shows that i fit in well with the Site
Just like the Racist contributors
Like the chicken lickin nigger
dear old dead zombie suzi
and the racist rev amongst others
You me old shetland pony shagging “mudda likka fukka,”
never pull those people for their racism
Must be a christwire double standard
so untill you do i shall do as they do
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3:48 pm
christains:1 Well it’s about time you got 1 after 6 billion year go you.
Oh wait it’s some noob who barley says a think.
Seeing how you all never talk in old articales that are proven wrong or just stolen images why is that? Hmmmm how this is a new site when you just make up stuff that is proven unlike your god. I like it more when you edit peoples comment’s too that just proves it more.
I mean again Erich Sean the lead singer of slint from the 80s is still here sadly removed his facebook even said “tr*ll” kinda stupid to when your trying to act like someone else but hey he’s only 15.
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7:26 pm
Still on Facebook, you cretin. Please friend request me!
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10:31 pm
…”barley” is a type of food…
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4:18 pm
Sarcasm on Christwire? No, of course not
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10:44 pm
Why can’t you be more like L.N.
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4:59 pm
stop picking on L.N. just because he expresses his opinions.
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5:33 pm
“” She he his Her his her. “”
Guess you cannot even identify LN’s gender.
is it not in king Jimmys bibDribble book
Guess thats a “FAITH FACT” Eh?
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6:47 pm
Nobody knows LN’s gender. We would need a full medical staff to determine it.
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7:36 pm
Just because you can’t read doesn’t mean the truth isn’t there. The fact that you call people ‘women’ as an insult shows how little you care about decency.
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10:15 pm
In LN’s twisted world, being misidentified as a woman is some kind of insult. Sexist much, LN?
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6:03 am
“…being misidentified as a woman…”
Now you’re just being foolish, Rookie. No one
“misidentified” L.N. as a woman. Anyone who can read will find where he was called a “woman” as an attempted insult by one of YOUR lot.
“…is some kind of insult.”
It is in the context it was used. You are the one who is trying to turn it into something it ISN’T.
“Sexist much…”
So no, it isn’t. (You’re only getting worse at this, Rookie.)
“
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2:11 pm
“L.N.” sounds a whole lot like “Ellen”.
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8:29 am
It would make perfect sense if LN was really Ellen Degenerate. She is also easily confused for a male.
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11:11 am
They’re initials, Lich. My name is Law.
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2:11 pm
Yeah, okay Ellen, whatever you say. Don’t you have some dancing/female genitals to attend to?
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9:14 am
your name is awesome already! Law… damnit. I can’t think of a last name.
regardless, I will forever refer to you as “Law”
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2:47 pm
Anyone else noticed that the Great Website refresh has crap web coding, lots of errors on the pages,
Its not coded properly for Firefox Google Chrome or IE each browser shows different errors.
guess that’s what you get when you let christwireist update the Site
Still Say they need a Competent webmaster, but then they would have to Sell more than a couple of handbooks to pay for it.
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10:30 pm
perhaps JR did the coding…
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10:33 am
To be fair, Cultwire hardly ever has good coding. Before, if you stretched the comment box out too far, you couldn’t rearrange the size, and quite a few times the system would end up eating comments. Though this update seems to take the cake since it doesn’t say what the latest comment was, meaning ANY thread could be active unless you pay close attention to the number of comments each thread has on the front page—and hope it stays up to date.
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4:18 pm
Really? I still have that little box that tells me who posted, right now it’s me, 4PR1C0T twice, then ex-brony (although i still do not know how anyone could possibly leave the herd) and then celestialdeath.
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7:40 pm
I see what L.N. is talking about. The only way to see if someone has commented is to actually be on a….”story” page. You can’t tell from the Home page.
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2:13 pm
Would turn out a whole lot better if I did it than you mister “lets use Javascript to do all the things”… lol, then we’d really see a slow load time. Also, this is OBVIOUSLY a WordPress site i.e. I doubt very much actual coding was done.
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7:35 pm
fuck you passion p
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10:44 pm
I don’t like the liberal language, but I do agree.
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8:37 am
liberal language. fuck you tou stereotyping dick
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8:44 pm
If there’s one thing LN’s good at it’s detecting sarcasm.
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10:39 pm
“L.N.’s first task will be to examine the comments of the following list of undesirables that plague this holy site — CelestialDeath, Mainiac58, Ouroborus, Passion Pitt, KBLME, 36, and Claire.” I kind of thought Celestial and 36 had died out, and nobody pays attention to PaPi anyway.
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10:43 pm
Nobody likes PaPi.
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10:55 pm
no kidding, all he does is spout meaningless, racist, sexist, mind-blowingly confusing lies and obvious bull. much like the Bible, or christwire.
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11:12 pm
7 words too many.
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6:07 am
“7 words too many.”
Huh.
“no kidding, all he does is spout meaningless, racist, sexist, mind-blowingly confusing lies and obvious…”
Really doesn’t make much sense like that, Mr. Weisz. (scratching head)
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1:45 pm
Ahh, I didn’t die out, I’ve just been in Seattle visiting some friends of mine. Also, I don’t comment much anymore seeing as none of these current articles hold much interest for me.
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3:25 pm
I have that same problem. they are losing focus of what really matters.
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5:52 pm
Right. Obviously, everyone should try to understand what this article means. The folks on christwire is too stupid to know sarcasm when they see it so they have to go to the intelligent people to help them out.
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10:42 pm
I am very happy that LN has achieved this. I like LN, and always have. This is just the next step to him being a member and contributor to our fellowship.
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8:39 am
you like L.N!!!!!!!!!! you have called him rude words many times.
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10:31 am
“Our very own L.N. will, from this day forth, be appointed ChristWire Deputy Detective of Sarcasm! She is truly a sleuth of snark, a master of rooting out these cloaked agents of destruction and pulverizing them with truth. Because L.N. already monitors this site 24 hours a day without sleep, he will receive zero monetary compensation for his efforts but will surely be rewarded with a speedy entry through the gates of God’s Kingdom. Her main duties will consist primarily of documenting possible cases of sarcasm and reporting them to us for official review. To prevent possible abuses of power, we will still not pick up the phone for L.N. but rather his reports will be submitted weekly at the bottom of each article’s comment section in a 20-30 paragraph response as per usual for her. L.N.’s first task will be to examine the comments of the following list of undesirables that plague this holy site — CelestialDeath, Mainiac58, Ouroborus, Passion Pitt, KBLME, 36, and Claire.”
trolololololololol
You have a wild imagination.
And this is not a “holy” site.
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4:13 pm
I much agree with 4PR1C0T, I would have liked to get a mention, seeing as I went as far to post an article, questioning their religion, but no such luck. also, 36 and celestial, did you guys really have to immediately prove me wrong? you could have waited just a little bit.
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5:55 pm
Wait, what? What did I do?
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9:52 am
I wonder that aswell…
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3:24 pm
Yet no mention of me, I feel insulted. I must up my game if I want to be a part of the cool kid”s club.
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2:02 pm
we love you 4PR1C0T
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6:06 pm
Let’s start another annoying gory picture war to get you into the cool kid’s club.
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9:20 am
as you wish!
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7:25 pm
im not sure what i sould say
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8:38 pm
Shhh just accept it.
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3:27 am
?
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9:24 am
hush now… it’s alright…
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9:25 pm
your starting to sounsh like a necrophile
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1:11 am
http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/174/d/9/hush__now___it__s_alright__by_missgabriellaxiii-d3jrp2y.jpg
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12:23 am
like that
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11:07 am
you’re just jealous
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7:17 pm
FUCK YOU!!!!! Sarcasm is the only reason that people come to this site!
Unless somewhere there is someone who believes this bullshit…
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1:36 am
Christians like to argue that we can’t prove their
beliefs aren’t true. Actually, we can. The overwhelming
preponderance of evidence supports evolution over the Garden
of Eden fable. This means original sin is a myth. There’s
then no reason for the sacrifice of Jesus, and no rational
justification for christianity to exist.I prefer evolution over creationism for a number of functional reasons.
I mean humans are pretty short changed compared to a lot of animals.
Our eyes suck compared to a cats; our nose compared to a dogs,
our tongue compared to a snakes. We suck at running compared any
great cat. We suck at swimming compared to any fish. We suck at
surviving outdoors in cold weather thanks to our weird fur placement.
We waste water compared to camels, not to mention hanging in a
sandstorm. Really cold water damn near kills us instantly compared
to penguins, polar bears, or marine mammals.
If we are created in “god’s” image, god sucks.
If you read the history about religion you’ll find that 100% of
them were made up centuries ago by barbaric people who knew absolutely
nothing about natural sciences so they made up gods to explain things
like gravity & death & purpose & emotions & natural disasters & thunder &
health & on & on & on. Then as man became more & more capable of explaining
natural phenomenon the religions were kept “alive” by those in power by
suppressing scientific discovery and by removing specific parts of the
writings to suit the whims of the rulers of the time. Fast forward 2,000+ years
and there is no denying the incredible discoveries science has made and the immense good those discoveries & advances have done for humans. This leaves the religious at a loss so they must further explain away and literally lie to cover up the
inconsistencies in light of the reality we have discovered. But there’s no way
to know this if your religion tells you it’s evil to discern & reason.
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4:17 pm
That is because cats are Satan’s animals. You have not spent enough time on this holy site. Lurk moar.
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4:26 pm
Satan’s animals? Well call me a satan lover then since I spend all day everyday working with them, making them better when they’re ill, just like I do with any animal that comes through our doors.
(Cats are pretty good at eating spiders which sends them up in my animal rankings!!)
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5:43 am
Where did you read that JR? In the bible? I don’t think so… stop doing drugs already…
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4:23 pm
The biggest issue I have (apart from the whole sarcasm being an atheist weapon deal) is that LN can’t decide is they are male or female. The whole article keeps swapping from his to her and from he to she… I’m pretty sure that gender swapping isn’t allowed by God’s rules…
Aside from that it was a great article *sarcasm*
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10:55 pm
http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/imagebuzz/web03/2010/10/19/23/periods-will-now-be-called-shark-week-28784-1287546084-2.jpg
HEY LOOKIE GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR
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