(Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, we’re free at last! — Mitt Romney)
God has rolled up his sleeves and dusted off some of his old tricks, with news reports stating that pornographic smut program “Jersey Shore” is coming to an end. While unbelievers across the world mock and criticize our God for not being the all-powerful figure he once was, he shows once again why he was so feared and revered during Biblical times, striking down the “Jersey Shore” with all the smite and fury with which he once destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.
This news comes as a devastating blow to the crime-riddled Italian community, who now have no role models or leadership whatsoever to look up to. In addition, legions of tanned, steroid-addicted “femmboi” “gay homos” will now have to look elsewhere to get inspiration for styling their hair into horrible fashions and wearing shirts that look like they were drenched in textual vomit.
“Guidos” and “Guidettes” as they are called, represent a majority of the Italian community. They aspire to drink vicious “Satan fuel” in bars and other social nightclub establishments while awkwardly grinding their genitals on one another in hopes of creating a “Snooki.” (Italian slang for a child born out of wedlock). They do nothing but pulsate their drunken bodies to the rhythmic beats of Techno music before stumbling home and passing out on unsuspecting furniture, that is often too small to contain their bloated, disgusting bodies.
“Guidos” are single handedly responsible for warping a chunk of the male population in this country into sissifed gayhomo experimenters. They preach a message of “tanning” and “gym work”, placing an emphasis on blown out hair — and buttholes. These “men” often spend more time with hair gel than they do with the Bible. They overshadow the supple figures of women, and attempt to live as girls, espousing the virtues of going tanning, doing gym work, and folding laundry.
“Guidettes” swept the nation, causing our Christian teen girls to embrace a lifestyle of whorishness and leathery skin. These girls began to wear blinding neon clothing, with horrible hair-do’s, often times confusing themselves with mid-80’s WWF superstar “Macho Man” Randy Savage. These whores preached the values of giant, fake breasts and skimpy clothing, and then cry rape when a man attempts to rub his genitals upon theirs in hopes of making a “Snooki.” The fact is, if these girls didn’t dress like they were extras on an adult pornographic film, than men wouldn’t feel the need — and right — to impregnate them furiously, even if it was with a tiny, tanned, Italian penis.
With this cancellation, MTV is undoubtedly trying to enter into God’s grace and perhaps this will lead to the creation of more family-friendly programming, such as “What’s That Bible Verse?” and “18 and Married.”
We can only hope and pray that this is true — Dr. James Dobson has gone far too long without his own television program.