Jersey Shore Cancelled, Teen STD Rates Drop 39%
For Snooki and friends, this type of play was just another Tuesday night.
Seaside Heights, New Jersey - Now that Snooki has popped out a child and is planning to get married, raise her family and turn her back to partying, the producers of the Jersey Shore announced today that the show is being cancelled.
Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control recently celebrated in jubilation, as a poll following the announcement of Jersey Shore’s cancellation reveal that the ‘reported STD rates for teens dropped with a drastic 37% significance.’
In addition to the drop in STD rates, computer models predict that teenage pregnancy and rates of skin cancer from overuse of Orange-tan products will drastically drop as well.
The Italian government has issued a special thank you to MTV for finally cancelling the show. Said Italian Assistant Minister of Foreign Relations, Tony Borelli, “After The Godfather and Tony Montana, we thought our legacy in America couldn’t have been more culturally inaccurate if yet innacurate. But give me 50 Arthur Fonzerelli’s jumping the shark while eating a bowl of linguini if it means this miscreants won’t be misrepresenting our country, our families in America and our culture for a day longer. Good riddance!’
The remaining cast of the Jersey Shore is expected to appear on E! True Hollywood Stories after going throught their requisite stints of failed spin-off shows, leaked ‘nudy pics’ and overcoming drug addiction.
Coincidentally, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is predicting a sharp 28% increase in reading ability for high school students this coming school year.
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Amber Vos Savant
Amber Vos Savant is an award winning conservative journalist and currently serves as Young Republican coordinator for Romney 2012 in Boston.
4:49 pm
What a nasty hussy!
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8:39 pm
Remind me where you get your ideas for this “journalism/fantasy/$#!*. I’d love to know.
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1:42 pm
As much as I’d love to think that Jersey Shore was doing something wrong other than just being the worst reality show on tv, it really hasn’t. People think that the sunglasses with stripes look good, wearing unhealthy amounts of make up and thinking it makes them look beautiful, minor things like that. It wasn’t a funny show, or an entertaining one. It does beg the question – what if the cancellation of Jersey Shores was to make room for something worse?
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10:01 pm
honestly if this website wasn’t so extensive, I would think it was a joke. You bigoted, homophobic, lying, whack jobs! I would pay so much money to have a real debate with you. You obviously know nothing about the issues and make absurd stories (like this and almost every other article on this website) people like you are the real reason America is in trouble. Asshole
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