• Paul Ryan Decries Pro-Life Stance After Learning Snooki Gives Birth to Baby

    August 26, 2012 2:46 am 6 comments
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  • In a shocking change of stance, Paul Ryan came out with vehement support of abortion in cases where ‘orange-tinted, talentless Oompa-Loompas spawn seed and destroy hope for the future of humanity.”  By no coincidence Snooki gave birth only hours before.

    Just a week after offending true Republcans and giving snarky Democrat media pleasuregasms by supporting Senator Akins ‘legitimate rape’ rhetoric, GOP Vice Presidential candidate had a complete 180 degree turn around in political stance after learning that Snooki was having labor contractions.

    “Mitt and I were drinking some Budweiser and flipping through t.v. channels to find pop culture references to throw to the young voters.  E! had an alert update:  Snooki was having labor contractions.  It was at that moment I realized I had been so, so wrong all my life.  Maybe life doesn’t start till after a baby is born?”

    Mitt Romney has not yet made his stance on the subject known, but Ryan remains vehement that the thought of watching Toddlers and Tans scares him.

    “Snooki is addicted to reality tv and her baby will be the next evolution of America’s destruction.  Do we really need a show where Baby Snooki is doing 8ball off kneestocking lickers on Santa Monica BLVD after a stint at the Pony Ranch?  I don’t want Kansas babies with January diaper tan lines becoming the next new thing.  The joke is up.  Rape is not funny, it is not legitimate and in some cases, women should probably get abortions.  Somehow I’m sure the Big Man is backing me up on this.”

    Paul Ryan’s naming his new thoughts in the form of a bill, a proposed “Snooki Exception” which would give Republicans a way to rationalize pro-choice acceptance in cases where child births are clearly a threat to American culture.

    New Rasmussen polls are already showing Paul Ryan has gained a 20% gain in popularity for his new stance and the Snooki Exception Bill.  More news as the story develops.



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    About The Author
    Rachel Aschner-Barsky Former circuit gymnast and now retired from the sport, I'm now embarking on a career in my field of college study: journalism. These guys at ChristWire have hired me and I do not plan to back down for my "crazy liberal" views. Join me and let's bring the biased 'conservatives' down a notch or two.

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