• Snooki Spawns; World Rejoices.

    August 26, 2012 1:15 am 36 comments
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  • By Mark E. Figs
     
    (Snooki, after receiving her PH.D from the University of Phoenix)

    Known intellectual and philosophical giant, Snooki has gone into labor, blessing all of us with this wonderful news. While we do not condone Snooki’s gluttonous and promiscuous lifestyle, we do applaud her choice to give birth and not abort her child. With all the pressure from whaling communities and multi-national military councils to murder her child, Snooki instead chose a Christian outcome that should be celebrated.

    As a result of Snooki’s uterus preparing to excrete little Lorenzo, the liberal media is abuzz. This story has received a remarkably high level of attention, due in part to Snooki’s overwhelmingly deserved celebrity and because it is undoubtedly one of the most important things to happen to society. In a beautiful display of God”s divine circle-of-life, Lorenzo is set to enter this world hours after Neil Armstrong left it.  Where one courageous, inspirational pioneer has left this mortal dwelling place, another is minutes away from arriving.

    Whatever crappy things are happening in the Middle East are not important. The violent occurrences of the backwaters Muslim society take a backseat to Snooki’s throbbing womb, as should be.  Parades and exuberant celebrations will spill out into American streets, and carry on well into the night as soon as Lorenzo crests and blesses America with his presence. While the economy and unemployment remain depressingly high, it’s times like this — the overtly analyzed life of a reality TV star — that will take center stage, and rightfully so.

    For ten minutes, we can put all of the political differences aside and rejoice in God blessing America with another inhabitant to possibly carry the shield of the Lord. The Occupy Wall St movement and even LGBT rights can perhaps learn from this moment; patiently sit and bide your time with grace and humility and the world will be more willing to listen to your twisted demands.

    We can only speculate as to what Lorenzo will do once he is born. Perhaps he will flash a hilarious and totally original haircut, as is the style of Snooki’s “Jersey Shore” cast mates. Or maybe he will exhibit an unhealthily healthy skin tan. Whatever he does, it’s certain that he will follow in the footsteps of his uber-intelligent mother, and leave a long-lasting and deserved impression on society.

    God Bless America.

     

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    About The Author
    Mark E. Figs Mark is an award-winning children's author, and Christian Conspiracy Theorist can be found on Facebook and Twitter -- (Mark E. Figs)

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