Snooki Spawns; World Rejoices.
(Snooki, after receiving her PH.D from the University of Phoenix)
Known intellectual and philosophical giant, Snooki has gone into labor, blessing all of us with this wonderful news. While we do not condone Snooki’s gluttonous and promiscuous lifestyle, we do applaud her choice to give birth and not abort her child. With all the pressure from whaling communities and multi-national military councils to murder her child, Snooki instead chose a Christian outcome that should be celebrated.
As a result of Snooki’s uterus preparing to excrete little Lorenzo, the liberal media is abuzz. This story has received a remarkably high level of attention, due in part to Snooki’s overwhelmingly deserved celebrity and because it is undoubtedly one of the most important things to happen to society. In a beautiful display of God”s divine circle-of-life, Lorenzo is set to enter this world hours after Neil Armstrong left it. Where one courageous, inspirational pioneer has left this mortal dwelling place, another is minutes away from arriving.
Whatever crappy things are happening in the Middle East are not important. The violent occurrences of the backwaters Muslim society take a backseat to Snooki’s throbbing womb, as should be. Parades and exuberant celebrations will spill out into American streets, and carry on well into the night as soon as Lorenzo crests and blesses America with his presence. While the economy and unemployment remain depressingly high, it’s times like this — the overtly analyzed life of a reality TV star — that will take center stage, and rightfully so.
For ten minutes, we can put all of the political differences aside and rejoice in God blessing America with another inhabitant to possibly carry the shield of the Lord. The Occupy Wall St movement and even LGBT rights can perhaps learn from this moment; patiently sit and bide your time with grace and humility and the world will be more willing to listen to your twisted demands.
We can only speculate as to what Lorenzo will do once he is born. Perhaps he will flash a hilarious and totally original haircut, as is the style of Snooki’s “Jersey Shore” cast mates. Or maybe he will exhibit an unhealthily healthy skin tan. Whatever he does, it’s certain that he will follow in the footsteps of his uber-intelligent mother, and leave a long-lasting and deserved impression on society.
God Bless America.
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Mark E. Figs
Mark is an award-winning children's author, and Christian Conspiracy Theorist can be found on Facebook and Twitter -- (Mark E. Figs)
1:41 am
Christian parental responsibility: 1
Atheist Infant genocide: 0
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2:36 am
Why is it always 1? I know christians are bad at math but there are more number after that like 2 and 3.
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3:15 am
“Known intellectual and philosophical giant…”
“Snooki’s overwhelmingly deserved celebrity…”
“uber-intelligent mother”
We’re talking about Snooki from Jersey Shore right? Because none of those things describe her in the slightest…Lorenzo is just another celebrity baby…
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7:13 am
“We’re talking about Snooki from Jersey Shore right?”
I was wondering the same thing, O. Until she got pregnant, the most entertaining part of the show was her “drunken” antics and potty mouth. She’s a great role model for our children, isn’t she? Is she even married yet? I tried to find out online and could only find stories questioning whether they eloped or not. Nothing confirming that she IS married.
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7:36 am
Please disregard the question above about Snooki being married. I am a big fat idiot.
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11:38 am
All they care about is a baby being born. THEN they can bitch about how the mother is a terrible person who isn’t married and that she’s a ‘welfare momma’ or some other insane bullshit. They don’t care about the baby itself, just that it should be born even against the wishes of it’s parents.
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1:57 pm
Yes, idiot.
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2:58 pm
“Yes, idiot.”
You were saying, Mr. Figs?
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2:19 pm
Whoa whoa whoa! Mainiac, they edited your comment!!!!
Can Christwire just not handle the criticism? Low blow Christwire mod…Low blow
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2:23 pm
Yeah, I know, O. It’s okay. I’ve done forum administration before and I know how to stop that from happening again. If I have to take screenshots of EVERY post I make, I will. Wrong person to screw with.
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3:09 pm
WHO CARES? WHY WOULD YOU SCREENCAP ANYTHING? GO TO CHURCH.
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3:14 pm
You’re just glad that Mainiac praised you as a prophet (and judging by your Twitter) a awesome Christian warrior as well.
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3:15 pm
Just went this morning, thank you, hypocrite. What bar did YOU choose to take sacrament in? Why would I take screen shots? Oh I don’t know. Perhaps because you EDITED THE WRONG PERSON’S POST?!?!
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6:26 pm
Go ahead and “screen-shot” this or whatever you want to call your devil necromancing. While you sit behind your computer conjuring satan through blood sacraments and marijuana snorting, us righteous Christians pity you and hope you find a better way. I feel sorry for your soul.
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8:28 pm
ima taoist and have a satanic freind yea um you do know you are sterotypeing satanics
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3:03 pm
PRAISE JESUS
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3:16 pm
Whoever is in charge of modding is just a dick…
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3:18 pm
I love Snooki! This article made me laugh! I’ll share it with family, and friends!
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3:20 pm
“I’m sure I’m not the ONLY one getting these screen shots. Did you get yours, O?”
Huh? Didn’t realize I was supposed to be getting screenshots…My bad
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3:16 pm
Both of you need lives.
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3:20 pm
Will you be my friend, Mark?
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3:23 pm
I have no idea what that means. Stay off of drugs, and I’ll pray for you!
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4:44 am
Seems like you don’t have friends yeah….
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3:23 pm
I LOVE MARK E. FIGS
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9:12 pm
I love this website!
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9:24 pm
Hey, O. I agree!
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8:29 pm
are you both high or are you greifing
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3:26 pm
Oh dear lord…
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3:36 pm
yeah mark e figs! you fraudulent dick mod! you are as fake as jesus is real so that’s really fake ok!? i screen capped everything! even your mom last night!
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3:36 pm
yeah mark e figs! you fraudulent dick mod! you are as fake as jesus is real so that’s really fake ok!? i screen capped everything! even your mom last night!
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6:13 pm
why are you still talking, Mainiac58? you got “proof” that you got trolled by the best of trolls. “proof” that you’re an idiot. it’s called SATIRE, my friend. learn it, love it. now please turn off your computer and go outside. it’s ok. i promise. as for marcos, i’m pretty sure he’s spending time with his FAMILY…not “chasing” any bullshit you have to offer. good day.
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7:57 pm
Maniac is a drug user.
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11:40 pm
Didn’t you say something about being my friend once? I’d love that!
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12:45 am
“So instead of admitting that you have a problem, you continue, into the wee hours of the morning, to edit the comments of people just because you lack an actual life.”
Said the sad person commenting at 1:17 AM. Pot, kettle, black.
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5:57 pm
Seems you’ve been edited yourself, L.N. Kind of strange that they would have you quote…..yourself.
“Pot, kettle, black.”
I see that they’ve chosen to also use one of my frequent statements. Trying to make it look like I did the editing, Marky? Very poor attempt.
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4:43 am
“Whatever crappy things are happening in the Middle East are not important.”
So all people who get killed there by american soldiers or all the american soldiers that die there are not important?
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