• L.A. to Host Dangerous Knife Party and Major Lazers in Honor of Day of the Dead

    September 15, 2012 9:24 pm 39 comments
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  • Just when you thought the Knife Party fad started by Ecstasy Daily Carnalval was over, it’s back this Halloween to claim more young teenagers’ lives. But this time the wild stabbing fest will be held for an even more sinister reason, not just to entertain a bunch of sick, perverted ‘DJs’ and drug dealers. That’s right, the Knife Party will be held as a ritual sacrifice for the ‘Day of the Dead’, a pagan holiday which mocks the existence of God. Held in the Los Angeles Historic Park, young children will be invited to come participate in the mass bloodletting and orgy Knife Party. The features of this Satanical festival are strikingly familiar to Ecstasy Daily Carnalval, with a ‘killing of the noise’ to be had before the Knife Party begins. I interviewed some noise killing experts and they told me this is a necessary practice before knife parties to silence the screams of those being repeatedly stabbed. This event sounded so disturbing that I decided to investigate more. What I found was truly horrific.

    Foreign Beggars — As if America didn’t already have enough of these roaming it’s streets, Day of the Dead will import a fresh pack of disease-carrying mongrels to drain this economy even further. But they bring more than just SARS and grimy fingernails, as most foreign beggars are not Christians. This means they will spread their barbaric religions just as fast as the wide assortment of venereal diseases they have to offer. We must keep America American and throw these foreign beggars back in the Pacific Ocean where they came from!

    Tittsworth — After doing some research, this is code for the underground sex and prostitution rings that operate at these festivals. It derives this meaning from the common phrase barked at young girls —“Hey, sweetcakes, what dem tittsworth?”  from horned-up, probably Italian, perverts. I was just as disturbed as you are upon learning of this awfulness. If you don’t want your daughters to be gobbled up on the Italian Meat Market like a salami sandwich this Halloween, keep them far away from ‘Day of the Dead’ and Tittsworth.

    Judging from that blonde Italian guy’s face, they aren’t worth much.

    Bro Safari — This is the homogay version of Tittsworth. Playing off of the short story by Richard Connell, The Most Dangerous Game, a ‘Bro Safari’ lets a select few ‘DJs’ and other VIPs enjoy the thrill of the hunt. Bros, a common term for supple collegiate-aged boys, are set free in an open area just like the LA Historical Park. After they have been netted and tranquilized with heroin and ecstasy, the hunters get to have their way with the poor bros. They are often ‘fist pumped’ while passed out. I don’t dare venture a guess at what that means.

    Let the games begin.

    AraabMuzik — I can’t say that this one is all that surprising. Everywhere I turn, Al Queda has their dirty little finger in every sin-filled American pie. Of course they would try and influence the rave community as well. The only silver lining of this addition is that maybe the threat of searing acid on their faces will make the bear-skinned ladies cover up at ‘Day of the Dead’.

    Someone cover up this instance of Arab Music!

    Major Lazer — This is probably the scariest and most lethal event at ‘Day of the Dead’. Just in case too many people survive the Knife Party, a gigantic energy-based weapon will be leveled on the drugged-out survivors by a brawny African man. Although no one has ever seen Major Lazer and lived to tell about it, there are many artistic renditions of the mass murderer. Where he got his thieving hands on first world laser technology, nobody knows. However, I suspect that this phantom death-dealing man is none other than ultranationalist terrorist Nelson Mandela, having been provided laser weaponry by liberal loose cannon Bill Clinton. The dates match up perfectly. Whatever you do, watch out for Mandela Lazer, as he is a ruthless killer and a madman.

    We may never know…

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