L.A. to Host Dangerous Knife Party and Major Lazers in Honor of Day of the Dead
Just when you thought the Knife Party fad started by Ecstasy Daily Carnalval was over, it’s back this Halloween to claim more young teenagers’ lives. But this time the wild stabbing fest will be held for an even more sinister reason, not just to entertain a bunch of sick, perverted ‘DJs’ and drug dealers. That’s right, the Knife Party will be held as a ritual sacrifice for the ‘Day of the Dead’, a pagan holiday which mocks the existence of God. Held in the Los Angeles Historic Park, young children will be invited to come participate in the mass bloodletting and orgy Knife Party. The features of this Satanical festival are strikingly familiar to Ecstasy Daily Carnalval, with a ‘killing of the noise’ to be had before the Knife Party begins. I interviewed some noise killing experts and they told me this is a necessary practice before knife parties to silence the screams of those being repeatedly stabbed. This event sounded so disturbing that I decided to investigate more. What I found was truly horrific.
Foreign Beggars — As if America didn’t already have enough of these roaming it’s streets, Day of the Dead will import a fresh pack of disease-carrying mongrels to drain this economy even further. But they bring more than just SARS and grimy fingernails, as most foreign beggars are not Christians. This means they will spread their barbaric religions just as fast as the wide assortment of venereal diseases they have to offer. We must keep America American and throw these foreign beggars back in the Pacific Ocean where they came from!
Tittsworth — After doing some research, this is code for the underground sex and prostitution rings that operate at these festivals. It derives this meaning from the common phrase barked at young girls —“Hey, sweetcakes, what dem tittsworth?” from horned-up, probably Italian, perverts. I was just as disturbed as you are upon learning of this awfulness. If you don’t want your daughters to be gobbled up on the Italian Meat Market like a salami sandwich this Halloween, keep them far away from ‘Day of the Dead’ and Tittsworth.
Judging from that blonde Italian guy’s face, they aren’t worth much.
Bro Safari — This is the homogay version of Tittsworth. Playing off of the short story by Richard Connell, The Most Dangerous Game, a ‘Bro Safari’ lets a select few ‘DJs’ and other VIPs enjoy the thrill of the hunt. Bros, a common term for supple collegiate-aged boys, are set free in an open area just like the LA Historical Park. After they have been netted and tranquilized with heroin and ecstasy, the hunters get to have their way with the poor bros. They are often ‘fist pumped’ while passed out. I don’t dare venture a guess at what that means.
Let the games begin.
AraabMuzik — I can’t say that this one is all that surprising. Everywhere I turn, Al Queda has their dirty little finger in every sin-filled American pie. Of course they would try and influence the rave community as well. The only silver lining of this addition is that maybe the threat of searing acid on their faces will make the bear-skinned ladies cover up at ‘Day of the Dead’.
Someone cover up this instance of Arab Music!
Major Lazer — This is probably the scariest and most lethal event at ‘Day of the Dead’. Just in case too many people survive the Knife Party, a gigantic energy-based weapon will be leveled on the drugged-out survivors by a brawny African man. Although no one has ever seen Major Lazer and lived to tell about it, there are many artistic renditions of the mass murderer. Where he got his thieving hands on first world laser technology, nobody knows. However, I suspect that this phantom death-dealing man is none other than ultranationalist terrorist Nelson Mandela, having been provided laser weaponry by liberal loose cannon Bill Clinton. The dates match up perfectly. Whatever you do, watch out for Mandela Lazer, as he is a ruthless killer and a madman.
We may never know…
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Wes F
12:21 am
Foreign Beggars- Just a band…
Tittsworth- Just a DJ…
Bro Safari- Just a DJ…
AraabMuzik- Just a DJ…
Major Lazer- Just a band…
Knife Party- Just a band…
There…Problem solved…Mainly because the problem was nonexistent in the first place
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3:21 am
Hahahahahah the amount of ignorance on this post is out of this planet!
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7:20 pm
Agreed. The comments from the naysayers on this holy netsite really makes one shake their head!
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8:06 pm
I’d re-read his comment… He said “This post” as in the article…
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7:21 pm
I’ll “re-read” nothing. If the author couldn’t get his point across in a clear, concise manner the first time around, that’s his fault.
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10:31 pm
You realize this isn’t a ‘holy website’ or whatever you want to call it. It’s fake. Sarcastic. It’s a parody, are you stupid or something?
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5:39 pm
No, but you obviously are.
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3:55 am
Coming from the guy who thinks Romney is Jesus Christs resurrection, yeah nice try eric
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6:27 pm
Erich
John was talking about the actual article not the comments.
Vinny
Yep he is, he just can’t admit it to himself.
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7:16 pm
Jonny, you’re so close to the truth, but still a little bit off.
Probably because you’re British.
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8:17 pm
What has me being British got to do with anything at all? Why even bring it up.
Also just so you know I was disagreeing with you and calling you an idiot. Especially because of your no re-reading policy. You should always re-read.
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7:23 am
just look at susan and figgs going all out.
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9:43 am
IM sorry but you people are so fucking racist and ignorant. The amount of lies and discrimination on this story is just shocking. How can you call yourself christian? how can you call yourself religion? Religion is something that encourages EVERYONE to be happy with eachoher and love everyone. Then some people like you use it to gain power and the ‘moral high-ground’ over anyone and anything you can do. You people make me sick. You think God would be happy seeing his followers hurt others? no he wouldnt would he? You people are the worst amoung us because you turn something precious and holy into something evil and sinical. Its just wrong.
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10:53 pm
It’s a satirical piece…
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3:46 pm
There is nothing satirical about children being put in danger by knife parties or African men wielding lazer death rays. I don’t know where you got that impression but it is insulting.
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9:45 am
Im sorry im from italy and i find this post very offensive how dare you say somthing like that about my country and also they are artist or bands you ignorant man
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10:32 pm
THANK YOU it’s such bullshit. Lol the italians always get blamed, I feel bad.
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3:45 pm
Italian culture is full on wanton perverts having too many children than God’s earth can support. You may say they are all just good-natured plumbers who save princesses or pizza shop owners, but that just isn’t true. Jersey Shore is a perfect example of the deranged, sick life of the everyday Italian.
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5:57 pm
So then you must agree that all Christians are psychopaths, murderers, rapists, and genocidal maniacs, right?
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8:40 pm
When did I say that?
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8:41 pm
You’re talking about Muslims again, LN. For shame.
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9:24 pm
If you’re going to casually just blanket an entire group of people based on one or two things that are associated or were committed by a handful of those people, then you must accept the fact that you have to call yourself a murderer, liar, theif, and rapist since there are ‘christians’ that do that, and because you consider yourself christian, it means that you indeed slaughter innocent people.
It’s also nice to know how you hate Muslims, you racist bastard.
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12:55 pm
LN, I try as hard as I can to love all people even though they are an affront to God and all that is holy. I am sitting here patiently having a conversation with you, someone that is maybe even more contemptible than a Muslim extremist loaded with C4.
When was the last time a group of angry Christians burned down an embassy for an entirely unrelated reason? All belief systems have people in them who commit crimes against God and humanity, especially Atheists like you who have “nothing” to answer for. Even the ancient Israelites waged wars to win the Holy land. That is not what is up for debate. Again, you miss the point entirely.
We are talking about a religion that seems so over-provokable that they will strike out at anything they can get their hands on. They burned a KFC, LN. A KFC. While us Christians may tell you that you will be going to hell, it is only out of love and concern, and we certainly don’t expediate your arrival there.
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12:58 pm
And while a may despise Italian culture for its oversexualization of everything (have you ever seen an Italian man down a 12″ salami?), I have to salute them for being just awful at violence! Go Italy!
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1:11 pm
“LN, I try as hard as I can to love all people even though they are an affront to God and all that is holy.”
Except you still feel like insulting them because you think you know what an omnipotent being is thinking.
“I am sitting here patiently having a conversation with you, someone that is maybe even more contemptible than a Muslim extremist loaded with C4.”
Like I said, you have the inability to have any respect for any human being.
“When was the last time a group of angry Christians burned down an embassy for an entirely unrelated reason?”
There are plenty of forms of hate, and you bastards have done PLENTY of other things (racism, xenophobia, sexism, slavery, murder, genocide, quite a few things that you all deemed ‘holy’ at one point in your excuse of a religion).
“All belief systems have people in them who commit crimes against God and humanity, especially Atheists like you who have “nothing” to answer for.”
Atheists don’t have a made-up sky wizard that they have sacrifices for like you do, and you seem to really want to take those individuals who give the various religious groups a bad name and use them like they’re the representation of that group, belief system implanted or not. You also seem to think that morality requires religion, which is kind of sad that you think people can’t be people without being mentally insane.
“Even the ancient Israelites waged wars to win the Holy land. That is not what is up for debate. Again, you miss the point entirely.”
Says the bastard who goes off on random tangents just to insult people and pisses on the dead.
“We are talking about a religion that seems so over-provokable that they will strike out at anything they can get their hands on.”
You mean Christianity? That’s what I’ve been saying all along.
“They burned a KFC, LN. A KFC. While us Christians may tell you that you will be going to hell, it is only out of love and concern, and we certainly don’t expediate your arrival there.”
You sure about that? Quite a few passages in the bible specifically say to slay and murder people just because they did something simple and inconsequential. What’s more extreme, saying that people who don’t believe in your religion should die, or saying that people who violate rules that come from a mental institution escapee should be killed? Let’s face it, you believe in a system that is VASTLY worse than ANYTHING the Muslims have in their religion.
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8:28 pm
WOW
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1:36 pm
Jesus will deliver us from EDM!!
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12:00 am
Hahaha this is awesome. Apparently the other commentators fail to recognize this new thing kids are doing called ‘satirical writing’. It’s alright, it just appeared about 700 years ago. I mean do you guys really think the author honestly believes LA (or the federal government) is allowing a literal knife party and mass murder via energy weapon (hahaha)? That makes actually Ultra Conservatives look smart in comparison.
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6:23 pm
Actually many of the other commentators are long time commentators on this site. Many of whom actually understand this is a satirical site. They choose to respond as if it was genuine, myself included, for various reasons. I personally do it because it is funnier to act as if you believe the authors are genuine and it gives me a forum to rant and rave against ultra conservatives who believe the stuff like this without having to seek them out. Showing the opposing view and proving this sort of thing to be ridiculous adds to rather than subtracts from the comedy.
It is why South Park works so well, they poke fun at the bigots by satirising their views. Where it appears to be on the surface mocking set groups of people they are actually mocking the people who mock them and it does that by constantly reminding you how idiotic their bigoted characters are.
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7:24 pm
Jonny, I find it bizarre that you would waste your time arguing with people who you believe to be satirists. Why don’t you go to an actual right-wing website filled with people who truly believe their outlandish words and argue with them?
Or maybe you do?
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8:03 pm
Simple really Erich. Who better to argue with than a satirist?
You argue with a satirist as if you genuinely believe they hold those views, they get to argue back in their character emphasising the satirical character further. The character is allowed to grow from the article and continue into the comments section to a greater level, which it can’t really do unless the opposing view is stated. Otherwise you’re stuck with other satirical characters going “Well that was a good article.”, “That’s very true!” and other bland comments.
There is also the slight hope that arguing with a satirist as if genuine could make them laugh. The satirist gets to have an “I can’t believe they’ve taken it seriously” moment and laugh at the (often false) gullibility of the commentator. No greater feeling than making someone laugh.
Finally you don’t get that disgusted feeling in your stomach when arguing with a satirist. You can state everything you would say to a bigot to a satirist and not be left with the disgusted feeling that people like that genuinely exist. You can go away knowing that the person you’ve just spent 5 minutes (seriously hardly a wast of time) arguing with probably shares similar values with you and is just playing a bigot for comic effect. It cushions the blow quite a lot because you can pretend that their aren’t people that far right when arguing with a bigot.
Where as arguing with actual right-winged bigots is just depressing and angering. You get stuck on the fact that the person seriously is that much of a hate-filled bigot, they never listen to reason, they end up misquoting or ignoring whole religious passages (ones that would disagree with their world view) to suit their view. After all that they still believe that they were right all along and you are left feeling angered by the whole experience and depressed by the fact they actually exist.
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8:07 pm
TL:DR Version:
Satirist = Fun.
Satirist
- False beliefs remove actual anger from comments.
- Continues on comedy
- Might make satirist laugh
Bigot = Tiring, Depressing, Angering
Bigot:
- Genuine belief will remain no matter what
- Leads to both sides getting angered by the other.
- Depressing that bigotry exists.
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7:34 pm
so fake….i lolzed prtty hard thought….bro safrais paragraph was the best
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6:29 am
you rascist bastard. *facepalms* just because they are not involved in your stupid little game doesn’t mean you have to m ake fun of what racial status they are. just wow.
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7:39 pm
The Day of the Dead festival is basically more about honouring and remembering the deceased family members and friends. “a pagan holiday which mocks the existence of God.” What you mean a pagan holiday: like Christmas and Easter. Both pagan in origin, both littered with the traditions and ancient pagan stories. Christianity was built on a pagan belief system and has incorporated many pagan religious symbols and characteristics.
Kill the Noise – Is a stage name of the DJ Jake Stanczak. Nothing to do with silencing anyone of thing.
Knife Party – A duo formed by Rob Swire and Gareth McGrillen, from Pendulum (an electro rock band. Nothing about them is related to ritual sacrifice.
Foreign Beggars – Are a trio of two MCs (Master of Ceremonies, sometimes a form of a rapper) and a DJ. Not literally foreign beggars. They are not spreading anything they’re just there to perform. As for sending “foreigners” back from where they come from it is more than a bit rich coming from most Americans. You do realise most of you are immigrants in origin not that long ago (talking only a few generations back)?
Tittsworth – Another DJ hired to play some music. Nothing to do with what you suggest. As for the origin of name I have a sneaking suspicion it come’s fron the name Jesse Tittsworth (AKA DJ Tittsworth). Most likely just a rude sounding but genuine name name. The phrase “Hey, sweetcakes, what dem tittsworth?” sounds more American than Italian.
Bro Safari – Yet another DJ. Again nothing like the depraved thing you suggest. Must have a really twisted mind to keep coming up with this stuff.
AraabMuzik – You’ve got this one right. Oh wait, no you haven’t. Turns out it’s a DJ. An American DJ apparently, who is of Dominican and Guatemalan descent. Al-Qaeda by the way will not have “their dirty little finger in every sin-filled American pie.” One of their big points was they were not too keen on America and didn’t want anything to do with anything that disagreed with their very limited and bigoted view. The festival you’ve suggested up to this point they’d hate as well.
Major Lazer – The name of another DJ collaboration. As for the “artistic renditions” of a supposed actual mass murderer are in fact just some artistic drawings associated with the collaboration, quite probably some fictional character that the DJs involved came up with. As for Nelson Mandela going under the guise of Major Lazer, really? You are suggesting a 94 year old man is dragging around a massive lazer and killing people?
There is nothing satanic about the Day of the Dead music festival. Just a lot of DJs playing some of their music around the Mexican festival Day of the Dead. Really surprised you didn’t pick that up at all, christwire come now you’re beginning to slip. You’re always moaning about Mexicans in your articles when they have nothing to do with the subject. Now you write about something that has a slight Mexican connection and nothing.
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12:25 am
…u…..u guys realiize knife party and all those names up theere are the names of the bands…there actually won’t be a “knife party” roflmao xD fucking dumbass hicks.
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11:13 am
when i read this article i did what i do when i see a funny post
Stop
Drop
and
LOLOLOLOLOLed
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2:35 pm
“homogay”
What’s that again?
Idiots… Just idiots everywhere… at least you’re good at beeing an idiot…
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