With those beautiful smiles and perfectly coifed hair, we should have known the men of Full House were promoting a secret brand of lesbianism.
On the surface, Full House was a show about a clean cut family of loveable men who would do anything to properly raise three beautiful American daughters. The spic-and-span Danny Tanner (Bob Saget), the cherubishly cute and comedic Uncle Joey (Dave Coulier), and the rough and tumble Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) were all characters to which we could relate. And who did not have their heart warmed by baby Michelle saying, “You got it dude.”
Many shows that reach out for the heart of children and family demographics use the Disney ‘one parent dead’ motif. Full House was no exception. We sympathized with the Tanner family and opened our hearts to them, as we watched a unique interaction between the characters in a home where their mother was lost in tragedy. But within that loving, unique family, there was an underlying truth that may shock the hearts of the nostalgiac.
And we’re not talking about Bob Saget’s secret desires to superclean phallus shaped items, as that’s an entirely different issue, but we’re talking about something that’s had a direct effect on modern society and culture.
Full House was the harbringer of modern lesbianism on television. What viewers did not realize is that the show’s creator, Jeff Franklin, and the producers, Thomas L. Miller and Robert L. Boyett (Miller-Boyett productions) were masterminds of psychology.
What if we had a show where the traditional role of a loving mother was juxtaposed with the archetypes of what women traditionally look for within a mate and father of her eventual family? Children will be gender confused. Women, exited and uncomfortable, moist and willing to think that perhaps, somehow, feminine qualities within a polished masquline physique could be a great thing. Enter the Men of Full House.
Danny Tanner (Bob Saget) – Lanky, leaned and toned like a Star Trek Vulcan Olympian, Danny Tanner was the apple of many women’s/men’s eye and the health-consicious and perky patriarch/matriarch of the family.
While many cultural analysts have theorized Danny Tanner was actually gay, Bob Saget has used his warm voice and musical renderings to deny this theory. And he is correct. Bob Saget was not gay, but rather, a iconic figure that helped spawn the modern lesbian movement. He was the dangling forbidden fruit that women always yearned to taste, but could never find from a man in their personal life.
Ask any young lesbian woman what she thinks of Danny Tanner, or just plain Bob Saget, and you’ll likely get the same response: ‘rawr!’. How could it be that a lesbian woman could have such strong desires for a man? It’s because that somewhere in her childhood or early adulthood, she likely sat down to watch TGIF with her family. Little did anyone know that between all his cleaning, revealing his tight toosh to the camera and then wrapping up his daughters in his long, loving arms, that Saget was breaking all sorts of gender barriers and mushing them up with his masculine sexy factors. This sort of thing leads to lesbianism.
I cannot wait for Ellen DeGeneres to finally write a tell-all diary, because Chapter 1 will be titled, Bob Saget: My Muse, My Man, My Inspiration for Lesbianism.
Uncle Joey (Dave Coulier) – Between all the funny voices and bouncy, amber wheat hair looking so magnificent in every scene, most families would have done anything to have Uncle Joey pay a visit to their home and help them through a tough spot with the power of got-your-nose comedy.
On-the-set and off-the-set, you’ll never hear a bad word mentioned about Dave Coulier. He’s truly one of the good guys of Hollywood. But that does not alleviate him the crimes of promoting secret lesbianism during the 90s. Sure, he may not have been complicit and may have truly been an innocent pawn caught in the tangled stocking web of Saget and Stamos, but we cannot overlook his apparent comfort with donning a powdered pink dress and looking like elegant British nobility in this following moment.
Say what you will, but if you were walking down a busy street in London, you would think these two foxes were surely the trophy wife of some powerful MP. Tanner’s ridgy, mantis like features make the heart race with excitement, not knowing how he’s going to use those Olive Oyl legs and little lips on your body, but it’s Uncle Joey who is the standout. Is he really stuffing that bra, or are those makcakes natural? Look at how that toned midsection hints at an hourglass figure by the time your eyes reach the hips. Why does his chin look so smooth and soft, like a duckling’s down after a splash in the lake? You would think it was a young Mrs. Doubtfire whose addicted to pilates, an innocent mid-aged woman whose plotting eyes let you know she’s no manners once the doors are closed.
And it’s this unique dycopia of traits, the funny and loving uncle who will help you with anything you need, mixed with raw feminine good looks that can be turned on and off when he wants it, that makes Uncle Joey one of the biggest causal factors of modern lesbianism. What woman wouldn’t see this shot and think, “Mmm.”
Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) – There is a rumor in Hollywood that when he reaches his moment of climax, John Stamos actually yells “John Stamos.” People laugh uncomfortably about the fact, but it’s been said so many times that you’re inclined to think it is true.
Hungry Eyes Stamos understands that his looks go beyond handsome. He’s simply pretty. He’s the type of man that has the Marilyn Monroe effect on those who he chooses to woo. Scared and quivering, excited and rigid, his lovees can only lay there and think, “Oh my goodness, I’m being cuddled by John Stamos.” And when women realize they will never have that chance, that type of heartbreaking thing causes lesbianism.
On Full House, Stamos played the tough, oil-changing, shirt-sleeves rolled up hunk Uncle Jesse. Addicted to Elvis and the Immonen Superman mullet of madly swirly, roaring hair, Jesse leaped into the heart, minds and desires of America’s awkward daughters, represented by the attraction Kimmy Gibbler always professed for her studly hero.
But what young woman could really expect to have Uncle Jesse in her life. He’s the type of man who could marry a supermodel, get a divorce from her and still be seen smiling and not crying himself to sleep on a corner in West Hollywood. Uncle Jesse’s role was to attract women with his impossibly unrealistic looks and make them loose hope, then see and understand that cuter men with soft hearts and great comic values, like Danny Tanner and Uncle Joey, could make great role models for their daughters, keep a clean home and solve every family problem with a joke, hug and ice cream cone. What woman wouldn’t want that?
And it’s those very qualities that lesbianism in the 90s already had. Rosie O’Donnel. Wanda Sykes. Ellen DeGeneres. Queen Latifah. These pioneers of on-tv-lesbians have the same qualities as our favorite tv fathers: they are attractive, witty, clean cut and funny. They would all make great parents and blend just a bit of masculinity with feminine qualities that endear trust and comfort. They are established and can afford a home in San Francisco.
And what young woman wouldn’t be somewhat attracted to that lifestyle? When young women think about lesbianism, they don’t see the horror stories of old cat women with chin hair, as we had established in up through the 80s. They see the visage of Bob Saget and Dave Coulier. They see the rugged jawline of Uncle Jesse, him frolicking around with George Clooney and playing but grab with John Lovitz and thinking nothing of it. Young women don’t see themselves as the supermodel who will be the apple of their eye, but someway, somehow, they will go back to Hollywood and think, “Maybe just like in Full House, I need to have a one-gender household and all will be well.”
And they do just that. And they like. John Stamos.
Related: John Stamos Teaches Men How to Cuddle Each Other