• Spare The Rod, Spoil The Child: 5 Reasons To Spank Your Children

    September 21, 2012 12:33 am 40 comments
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  • By Mark E. Figs

    (Mark is an award-winning birdwatcher and collector of vintage thimbles.)

    Nowadays, there are a lot of snot nosed brats who exhibit rather vicious qualities. A trip to the local grocer may result in seeing a flock of effeminate sissy boys and butchdyke girls, running amok; some are fat and beg for any sort of sugary snack they can get their grubby, sinful paws on.

    Others are like the aforementioned lot — sissified boys who wear skinny jeans and act like “One Direction” (a sinful boy band named after a popular slang term, the “boner ” which means penis erection, e.g. “My boner is pointing in One Direction.”) The butchdyke lesbian girls prance around emulating Honey Boo Boo, with feces smeared between their buttocks due to their overwhelming body fat, and lack of confidence due to their pudgy physique.

    These children curse, listen to secular music, touch their genitals in public and are a general nuisance. The truth of the matter is that these children would of been murdered and/or sold into slavery during Biblical times, as was general protocol because of God’s lack of patience in dealing with insolence. The Liberal response to this has been disgusting — “Oh well, I don’t spank Tamara, I don’t believe in it. Instead we send her to her room WITHOUT her organic soy ice cream with gluten-free sprinkles.”

    BLECH. Puke. Disgusting.

    When I was young and disrespectful, my grandfather would make me go out and pick a switch from the tree, and then he would whip me. He would devastate my rear end with powerful blows until I could hardly walk. My buttocks would sting and be tender to the touch. I learned from it, because I knew he loved me. On those nights, he would come into my room before bed and gently apply camphor oil to my backside. He would use his firm, calloused hands, rough from years of plowing, to caress the oil into my buttocks, because he cared about me. He may of spanked me, but he also loved me enough to show that his discipline was for good, it was done out of love.

    We’ve become too liberal. We’ve strayed from God’s word, which is the basis for this country. Our children are ridiculously fat and lack discipline.  So to that end, I have compiled a list of five reasons as to why you should SPANK your child. Discipline is key to a healthy lifestyle.

    1. They Are Gay

    As I preach in so many of my sermons, do you really expect me to believe that God made us gay? That God made some people decide to be gayhomos? NO. He didn’t. Homosexuality is a choice, and an awful one at that. If you suspect your child is gay, then he needs some good old fashioned discipline. Incorporate a schedule of “random spanks” wherein you surprise your child with a bevy of hard spanks to his/her exposed buttocks.

    In bed? Burst into their bedroom.

    In school? Contact the principals office and have them meet you there for a round of discipline.

    In the shower? Rip the shower curtain off and spank them. The cool water will make their buttocks supple, and apt for inflicting more discipline. Afterwards, you can bathe with them and help them wash their bodies, in order to strengthen your parent-child bond.

    2. They take an interest in witchcraft/sorcery.

    The Bible says the witchcraft and sorcery is a sin. Unfortunately many angsty young children decide that in order to fit in, they have to dress “goth,” refer to themselves with ridiculous, made-up names and pretend that they have some clout with the dark prince of hell, Satan. This looks silly and these children often make fools out of themselves pretending that any one really believes that they are an “enchanted sorceress of the seventh level of Byzorg” when their Facebook profile has several profile pictures featuring the lead character of a video game.  Please, discipline these children so they may abstain from these foolish ways.

    3. They want to play sports (girls) or sing/dance (boys.)

    Participation in theater arts as a young man is a tell-tale sign of raging homosexuality, or an indicator that the gayvirus will soon begin to take effect. Swift and firm beatings to the backside of your son will remedy his desire to expose his genitals to others. You should increase the dosage of the discipline to “severe.”

    Likewise, if your daughter wants to play in sports this can only mean that she will one day become an avid lesbian; her future consists of drinking beer, wearing visors and cargo capris. She will never find true love and question God as to why he cursed her with such an awful disease that makes everyone hate her — and rightfully so. You should spank her with reckless abandon.

    4.  They act “Autistic.”

    Liberals seek to ignore the real problems concerning their children — horrible parenting, lack of discipline, drug use, rejecting of God’s love — and instead label their child as “developmentally disabled.” The only thing wrong with the child’s development is the development of his relationship with God. “Autism” does not exist.

    “Autism” is a fancy word that Liberal scientists and doctors have created to circumvent their own shortcomings and flaws in parenting. If your child is “autistic” chances are they’re just misbehaved and not properly disciplined. Spanking, swift, hard and firm should be applied at once and several times over the course of a few months. This will help curb them of their “autism” disease and your family can live happily again.

    5. They don’t listen to your demands.

    Children are beautiful. There’s no greater pleasure I can think of then using God’s message to touch children. Luckily through my ministry, I am able to touch several hundred children a year. I always teach the importance of listening to God, first and foremost, and parents/adults second. So what to do when your children simply do not listen to you and would rather sneak out with their friends to listen to Kanye Weest and Katie Perry?

    Spank them. Spank them today, spank them tonight, spank them tomorrow. Recite scripture so that they gain more positivity out of this enriching experience.

    I hope this message helps. I write these in order to help you with your troubles and shine a guiding light onto your path, so that your relationship with the Lord may be clearer.

    Bless you and your family.

    Mark can be reached at Revmarkfigs@gmail.com


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    About The Author
    Mark E. Figs Mark is an award-winning children's author, and Christian Conspiracy Theorist can be found on Facebook and Twitter -- (Mark E. Figs)

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