• God Slams New York with Hurricane Sandy, The Onion Gays To Blame

    October 27, 2012 7:01 am 5 comments
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  • There is a newspaper filled with Birkenstock wearing New York radicals who call themselves ‘The Onion’ collective. Snarky and sassy, catty and ironic, these post-modern beatniks love nothing more than using their unpredictable prose and flighty thoughts to frustrate and confuse us who work diligently to inform the public of how they should think about key issues.

    The most egregious grievance these ‘Onioners’ have executed is not their namesake, a term familiar with the homosexual ‘powerbottom’ community in New York. The “Onion” used to be called the “Onion Booty”, a homosexual journal that regularly ranked and featured full-out shots of males who had a ‘perfectly’ rounded backside. The original Onion would litter the images of their select Onion Bottoms with the ratings and ravings of their drug-toking writers, making the journal look and read like a daintier version of Playboy, but written by LSD-toking backside aficiandos.

    In this typical ‘Onion’ column from the 1990s, columnist Keck Dikkers-Johnson delivers snarky prose to make light of the fact Bill Clinton lied under oath. In this sample, it is possible to see the Onion’s liberal agenda due to: 1) Evolution agenda, suggesting a dog can talk 2) Making it seem like a priest would not detect a possessed animal 3) Making jokes about promiscuity and rampant homosexuality 4) promoted the new show Jerry Springer, a cesspool of entertainment 5) UNRELATED PICTURE OF POWERBOTTOM EDITOR KECK DIKKERS-JOHNSON, forcing readers to + or – his backside for approval.

    As time progressed however, the Onion stopped being so superficial and became more political, slowly giving into the deep, penetrating pressures of liberal journalism and extolling all sorts of communist radicalism.  A look on the site now is no better than spending a day with a drunken Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow, hopped up on 8-ball and speed, ready to rock your backside until you say mercy.   Your mind will be confused and your intestines sore from the topsy-turvy twists and logic and facts its writers manage to concoct on even the most asinine of subjects, always twisting them in a way it makes us good Christians look bad.

    But today, it seems the hardy-har of the Onion has made its last guffaw, because God has taken notice and he is not happy.  For decades, gays have lobbied to turn New York into a Sodomy Megalopolis.  Gay-centric newspapers like The Onion largely helped New York meet its musky fate as a place where a husband can plant his victory flapole into the soily pits of his husband on their wedding day a possibility.  God does not take this lightly and now he is taking names and numbers, delivering wrath to those responsible for the downfall of what was once America’s greatest city.  With their latest “hit” article, The Onion really struck a nerve with their God.  Oh, Onion writers, let thine fingers tremble and your ungirded loins lay flaccid, because God shall erect a mighty pillar of penetrative wrath for this one.

    Hurricane Sandy is being aimed directly at the Onion, all because the article you see at right.  In it, the Onion proudly proclaims “God Distances Self from Christian Right“.

    This is simply not true.  If these upper East Avenue Yahoos would read their Bibles, they would clearly see that The Republican Christian Right all serve as a temple of God!  He is with us and we speak us puppets for Him!  When I type an article, it is God working through me to reveal the truth to America!

    And just like every other hurricane that has hit New York in the last year, guess what?  Gays are to blame for this one, and this time it is a special subgenre of them:  the Onion Booty gays.

    How superficial is it to only allow writers who have perfect ‘60% or higher’ rating Onion Booties?  It is sick and disgusting, it is not even legal to ogle your co-workers!  Yet every day, the men and women at The Onion wear short-shorts to work and still ogle each other’s backsides, their weird co-ed staff getting their jollies by the roundness of a part of the body that’s made to cushion you while you release the Duke brothers.  Sick!

    I really hope that this hurricane gets the attention of the Onion’s writers.  If you look at the weather channel right now, you can see this hurricane is headed straight for their offices.  And now no matter if their new batch of writers are with lesbian, gay, or normal, all of them being allowed as qualified because they have the ideal ‘power bottom’ look, they should know that God does not distinguish or get picky about what heiney he is whooping with his mighty, mighty wrath.  All is equal in the eyes of God!

    I demand the Onion redact this story and report its the liberals God is leaving behind, and it’s the Republican Christians he is endorsing!  Receive this blessing and prayers!

    May those Onion booty writers find their backsides squashy like an old tomatoe, left behind the counter at the local kosher deli!  Apologize!

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    About The Author
    Reverend Clyde H. Higgins You're all sinners in the hands of an angry God, a spider dangling over the burning flames of hell and only protected by one silk thread. God has scissors ready and hates those who spin webs of sin.

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