Possessed tongues unified in releasing the Satanic chants of Satan, Legend of Zelda occult members hold a summoning where the Prince of Darkness appears in a double triforce of fire and helps them bring destruction and chaos upon the world. With but a chant and the play of a new Satanic instrument called an ‘ocarina’, Legend of Zelda fans scattered throughout the Eastern seabord summoned Hurricane Sandy, the Frankenstorm, upon America and showed just how powerful they have become.
They walk among us. During the day, these people can look normal, just like you and me. But by night and when the moon sits eerily peaked in the sky, these ‘Legendary Zelda’ cultists don garments of gules and armaments of sorcery, song and black magicks. By simply invoking the songs and ancient rites they have learned from the dangerous video game, Legend of Zelda, these cultists are new age wizards who can bring the destruction of Western civilization and prepare the way for Satan’s return after Armegeddon.
Our investigation into the Legend of Zelda fans began this past week, after bewildered scientists could not understand how a ‘Frankenstorm’ was forming in October, over the Eastern seaboard. Hurricanes are not to occur in cold months, but yet, it was made so. After much praying and research, Brother Bruce Myron D’anus and Sister Susan Beatrice-Xenu found online collaboration on their gathering community, where these dark artists plotted and planned to attack America in a moment of weakness.
“At the stroke of midnight and during the hour of witching, let us burn the double-triforce in our towns and summon upon America great storms. It is from the flames that the great dragon of Hyrule shall arise,” plotted one poster, calling himself Chocolate Ganondorf. Thousands of others followed suit, liking the post on Facebook and collaborating all throughout the internet for this great night of ritual and summoning, a d0cumented sample our interns found above.
To understand the power of these Legend of Zelda fans and how they are a great danger to us all, we must first understand the backstory to them and the source of their power.
Central to all mythology and historical references to Zelda, which dates back to ancient Egypt and even Sumaria, there is reference to a ‘triforce’. These cultists believe that Earth was created by three goddesses, the Goddess of Power, The Goddess of Wisdom and the Goddess of Courage. The Goddess of Power was actually not a female, but a homosexual male hiding his true form from the other two. When they least expected it, he stabbed them in the back and tried to gain sole power, but the other two goddesses’ legitimately fought back. In their struggle, the three destroyed themselves, fractured the universal triforce and left the splintered pieces of it scattered throughout the Earth. This explains how good and evil came to be, in the Zelda religious occult.
Now today, the Legend of Zelda fans believe they can acquire power, wisdom and courage through devious means, and some of them, believe that if they can resurrect the ‘Goddess’ of Power, so he may realize his true goal of dominating the Earth. These cultists call themselves the ‘Gerudo’, the people of the desert sun.
The first show of their cult in modern media was with the release of the Nintendo NES (New Empire of Satan), where they created the ‘Glove of Power’, an instrument wielded by the prime knight of the Goddess of Power in a battle in ancient times. This knight of darkness was named “Ganondorf” and according to legend, his glove holds unsurmountable power.
With artifact instruments like this, able to transfer kinetic energy into a video game, we can see that the technology is possessed of evil. This footage if from the 1980s, when WiFi technology did not exist and it should not be possible for that Zelda cultist to play boxing games and control electrons with his power glove. But yet, we see it is so.
Within the Legend of Zelda games, there are many different subspecies of cult and artifacts that we will review at a later time, so you may see if youur loved ones may secretly be fans of this dangerous community, who now passes on their traditions, values and spells through the use of an unsuspecting medium: video games.
Not all weapons these cultists know how to use, make and find are blatant weapons. There is a specific instrument, called an ‘ocarina’, that is said to have the power of making the sun and moon fall under the control of humans. Have you notice that time seems to be moving faster and you don’t know it? This could be the work of Legend of Zelda cultists.
More relevant to today’s topic, however, is the ocarina. “A tiny instrument used by Satan, when he was the archangel of heaven’s music.’ According to their lore, the ocarina has the power of a full New York symphony and the metaphysical abilities of a Satan himself. With but the right notes and correct ritual, these Legend of Zelda fans have proven to us they are a real threat. They were able to summon the Frankenstorm on command and will continue to do so, until we concede to their threats and let rise their dark prince, Ganondorf, and his father, Satan himself (who is likely the Goddess of Power their ancient practitioners referenced).
In the following video, look at their power. Cultists are playing the song of storms and you can see the results. These gamers can do this on a whim.
More dangerous than the Harry Potter and Twilight cults combined, these night elves of Hyrule, Gerudo valley lesbians, Frozen heart of Satan’s Desire (The Zora), the Goron Firedwellers and more are all different denominations of this new age cult, able to wield as many scary powers as black metal fans. They dwell the Earth more secretly than a bevy of Vietnam Charlies, tiptoeing about at night and preparing our own doom from within. How many more of these Frankenstorms will we allow them to summon before making a stand by destroying and making illegal all Legend of Zelda video games?
Our investigation into this cult will contiue, as we’re just beginning to unravel the surface. But please know and start to spread the word: Legend of Zelda fans causes Hurricane Sandy, they are to blame. And this small showing of their power is only the tip of the Titanic’s iceberg.