Hurricane Sandy Cause By Legend of Zelda Occult Playing the ‘Song of Storms’
Possessed tongues unified in releasing the Satanic chants of Satan, Legend of Zelda occult members hold a summoning where the Prince of Darkness appears in a double triforce of fire and helps them bring destruction and chaos upon the world. With but a chant and the play of a new Satanic instrument called an ‘ocarina’, Legend of Zelda fans scattered throughout the Eastern seabord summoned Hurricane Sandy, the Frankenstorm, upon America and showed just how powerful they have become.
They walk among us. During the day, these people can look normal, just like you and me. But by night and when the moon sits eerily peaked in the sky, these ‘Legendary Zelda’ cultists don garments of gules and armaments of sorcery, song and black magicks. By simply invoking the songs and ancient rites they have learned from the dangerous video game, Legend of Zelda, these cultists are new age wizards who can bring the destruction of Western civilization and prepare the way for Satan’s return after Armegeddon.
Our investigation into the Legend of Zelda fans began this past week, after bewildered scientists could not understand how a ‘Frankenstorm’ was forming in October, over the Eastern seaboard. Hurricanes are not to occur in cold months, but yet, it was made so. After much praying and research, Brother Bruce Myron D’anus and Sister Susan Beatrice-Xenu found online collaboration on their gathering community, where these dark artists plotted and planned to attack America in a moment of weakness.
“At the stroke of midnight and during the hour of witching, let us burn the double-triforce in our towns and summon upon America great storms. It is from the flames that the great dragon of Hyrule shall arise,” plotted one poster, calling himself Chocolate Ganondorf. Thousands of others followed suit, liking the post on Facebook and collaborating all throughout the internet for this great night of ritual and summoning, a d0cumented sample our interns found above.
To understand the power of these Legend of Zelda fans and how they are a great danger to us all, we must first understand the backstory to them and the source of their power.
Central to all mythology and historical references to Zelda, which dates back to ancient Egypt and even Sumaria, there is reference to a ‘triforce’. These cultists believe that Earth was created by three goddesses, the Goddess of Power, The Goddess of Wisdom and the Goddess of Courage. The Goddess of Power was actually not a female, but a homosexual male hiding his true form from the other two. When they least expected it, he stabbed them in the back and tried to gain sole power, but the other two goddesses’ legitimately fought back. In their struggle, the three destroyed themselves, fractured the universal triforce and left the splintered pieces of it scattered throughout the Earth. This explains how good and evil came to be, in the Zelda religious occult.
Now today, the Legend of Zelda fans believe they can acquire power, wisdom and courage through devious means, and some of them, believe that if they can resurrect the ‘Goddess’ of Power, so he may realize his true goal of dominating the Earth. These cultists call themselves the ‘Gerudo’, the people of the desert sun.
The first show of their cult in modern media was with the release of the Nintendo NES (New Empire of Satan), where they created the ‘Glove of Power’, an instrument wielded by the prime knight of the Goddess of Power in a battle in ancient times. This knight of darkness was named “Ganondorf” and according to legend, his glove holds unsurmountable power.
With artifact instruments like this, able to transfer kinetic energy into a video game, we can see that the technology is possessed of evil. This footage if from the 1980s, when WiFi technology did not exist and it should not be possible for that Zelda cultist to play boxing games and control electrons with his power glove. But yet, we see it is so.
Within the Legend of Zelda games, there are many different subspecies of cult and artifacts that we will review at a later time, so you may see if youur loved ones may secretly be fans of this dangerous community, who now passes on their traditions, values and spells through the use of an unsuspecting medium: video games.
Not all weapons these cultists know how to use, make and find are blatant weapons. There is a specific instrument, called an ‘ocarina’, that is said to have the power of making the sun and moon fall under the control of humans. Have you notice that time seems to be moving faster and you don’t know it? This could be the work of Legend of Zelda cultists.
More relevant to today’s topic, however, is the ocarina. “A tiny instrument used by Satan, when he was the archangel of heaven’s music.’ According to their lore, the ocarina has the power of a full New York symphony and the metaphysical abilities of a Satan himself. With but the right notes and correct ritual, these Legend of Zelda fans have proven to us they are a real threat. They were able to summon the Frankenstorm on command and will continue to do so, until we concede to their threats and let rise their dark prince, Ganondorf, and his father, Satan himself (who is likely the Goddess of Power their ancient practitioners referenced).
In the following video, look at their power. Cultists are playing the song of storms and you can see the results. These gamers can do this on a whim.
More dangerous than the Harry Potter and Twilight cults combined, these night elves of Hyrule, Gerudo valley lesbians, Frozen heart of Satan’s Desire (The Zora), the Goron Firedwellers and more are all different denominations of this new age cult, able to wield as many scary powers as black metal fans. They dwell the Earth more secretly than a bevy of Vietnam Charlies, tiptoeing about at night and preparing our own doom from within. How many more of these Frankenstorms will we allow them to summon before making a stand by destroying and making illegal all Legend of Zelda video games?
Our investigation into this cult will contiue, as we’re just beginning to unravel the surface. But please know and start to spread the word: Legend of Zelda fans causes Hurricane Sandy, they are to blame. And this small showing of their power is only the tip of the Titanic’s iceberg.
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Amber Vos Savant
Amber Vos Savant is an award winning conservative journalist and currently serves as Young Republican coordinator for Romney 2012 in Boston.
11:41 am
So let me get this straight: Sandy was caused by gay people, Obama, or Legend of Zelda. Well, glad to know that the truth is, it was caused by Christians, someone already got the scoop on you guys and brought it up well in advance!
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11:47 am
I knew video games were evil ever since the Atari 2600 came out. When my kids asked for the new microsoft dreamcaster, I told them no way and instead got them kid friendly Bibles.
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1:04 pm
you are kinda a dick for that it is not evil really is kirby yarn evil is sonic the hedgehog evil well its 2006 game is anyways is mario bad is F**KING KINECTMALS BAD or maybe these frickin titles will change your mind
animal crossing
kid icarus
super smash bros
warcraft 3(oh wait thats if your kids can handle a tad of swearing)
spyro
or maybe you can not be a dick and get this damn one LEGO Batman
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2:00 pm
So basically you decided that instead of entertaining them, you would brainwash them instead.
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11:42 pm
entertainment and fun doesnt exist In christianity religion that why most people mvoe away from that
if it’s was of that we woul all be brainelss sheep doing everything told by our pastor priest reverend whatever
and never question ourself we would never be there as far as we are today in science ( if it’s was of religion Only we would still wears robes and no nuclear wepaon would exist albert einstein would be locked up in Jail for heresy) that the christian way
christianity has been a plague sinc ethe creation sadly it’s not because of Jesus fault he didnt asked for a Bunch of megalomaniac to control other
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10:47 pm
the irony…
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8:33 pm
Thats not true at all! We do to allow entertainment! We just dont want to get so wrapped up in it we forget God thats all
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12:54 pm
“Our investigation into this cult will contiue,”
If you want to be taken seriously in any way then you should at least spell check your comments.
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8:05 am
If you want to be taken seriously in any way you should at least make appropriate use of apostrophes and capital letters in your user name. And not masquerade as a dead Republican’s wife.
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12:25 pm
If YOU want to be taken seriously, you should probably start pointing out how horrible Cultwire is and how full of misinformation they are.
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5:00 pm
Lincoln ABe Lincoln the Biesexual yet he had 2 wives in his life ( one was died though)
Honest Abe he was called ( right ?)
he is also a republican as in REPUBLICANISM and was mostly a centrist not a conservatives asshole
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1:56 am
Yeah, Lincoln was probably an enormous gaybo. His hat wasn’t the only stovepipe on his mind, if you catch my drift…
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1:50 pm
This… is a joke, right? Like an Onion article? Because that’s ridiculous.
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10:51 pm
it is all true, we are doomed to be taken by God’s wrath because the awakening has been orchestrated. for we are the true evil and it has been realized by the divine heavens that we aspire to!
make peace with your loved ones now! Celestia has damned us to a grim end.
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11:05 pm
the emphasis has been lost because I failed at image embedding.
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2:19 pm
Well, now you are blaming LoZ, doesn’t surprises me.
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2:33 pm
Oh, and by the way, do you know that line between stupid and insane, sweetheart?
You just went right through those two, great work you naive cultwire girl.
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3:00 pm
no i think this guy caused it
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11:07 pm
for a blob, that guy can move.
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3:01 pm
Good luck in your investigation of a cult that doesn’t even exist… Have fun on this wild goose chase…
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3:18 am
i am just to shocked after this what i posted is worse then any of this i mean my fat guy my humps vid
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8:06 am
“Good luck in your investigation of a cult that doesn’t even exist… Have fun on this wild goose chase…”
LN, you hear that?
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12:53 pm
Of course I know that there isn’t a cult that uses the Legend of Zelda mythos, but there IS another cult that thinks there is. It seems to be a cult that you’ve joined, given your inability to point out the obvious logical errors. It’s called ‘Christianity’.
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1:58 am
LN, your result on that last test is: 0/1.
You’re nothing if not consistent.
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6:02 pm
my message to you
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3:46 pm
Another woman on this site I thought you are not to do anything but cook and clean why should we believe your fat ass?
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5:04 pm
Really? Zelda? A video game about adventure and princess? So basicaly Sandy wasn’t created by Scientific Wizardy, but created by Zelda fans? What the F*ck.
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11:09 pm
a video game about being a textbook hero.
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9:11 pm
This is just what common sense is to christians today. Its sad really because they used to believe this stuff too.
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5:42 pm
Least it’s not the bible that book has killed more people then a plane flying into a building.
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1:45 am
Lol, scientific wizardry, Obama and this caused sandy? What’s next it’s the Russians?
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2:22 am
Really Zelda? Your all idiots.
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1:48 pm
Like I said before, I want the Zelda series to die. Not for the silly reasons posted here at Christwire, but for legitimate reasons including the crappy fanbase that simply can’t agree upon which games are bad and which ones are good.
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9:29 pm
You just want it to die because you couldn’t get past the water temple i bet.
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12:04 am
Lolwut? I’ve finished all NES, SNES; N64, GCN, NDS and Wii Zelda games. What I talk about is that the series has lost prestige and popularity after, ironically, Ocarina of Time. And the games that were meant to dethrone it, TP and SS, failed to do so. Really, the franchise is beyond saving now.
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1:25 am
If you don’t like the zelda games then don’t worry about them or play them. Nintendo will keep releasing new zelda games till they have no fans that want to play them.
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8:42 pm
Thats not a reason. the real reason anyone hates is cuz theyre jealous
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6:07 pm
Please tell me this is a joke.
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5:51 pm
Wow, this is stupid. I don’t even know what to say, what idiot would blame a video game for this? They’re just humiliating themselves.
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5:51 pm
God’s Damnit, I’ve told you guys a thousand times, we are not a cult trying to bring the end of the world by playing a song that summons storms! What we are trying to do is establish a new world order, headed by yours truly! Why on earth would be play a song just to summon rain? And for the love of the goddesses, stop calling our Master, Satan, his name is Ganon! GET IT THROUGH YOUR LIGHTDWELLING THICKSKULLS!
Anyway, onward to our plan of establishing Donald Trump as our pupp…I mean President of the United States!
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9:08 pm
Look, this is a bit much. I worship the goddesses as much as the next Zelda Fan. but seriously? This is not our Fault. So what if we play the Song of Storms. It can actually heal you in a dessert or summon a hole in the ground that gives you money. I know this sounds ridiculous to you but have you ever thought how ridiculous you sound to us?
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11:01 pm
OMG I love this. I hope this article gains popularity and the new hipster trend is to blame hurricane Sandy on Zelda.
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3:09 am
YOU GUYS ARE FRIGGIN’ STUPID, YOU KNOW. YOU JUST TRY AND CONVIENCE PEOPLE TO TURN TO CHRISTIANITY SO YOU CAN COMMIT MORE CRIMES. Is that right? Christianity is a CRIME!
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4:16 pm
How do ya like me now?
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12:39 am
Wow.
I mean wow.
I’ve read a lot of crack theories about hurricane sandy on this site, but this one takes the cake.
Thank you for posting this; I got a good laugh from it.
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6:24 pm
Lololololololololololololololololololololololololololol. Never seen something more funnier in my life then this article. What a joke. Thanks for making my week now I’m going to go play some Zelda
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10:04 pm
In the very first few Zelda games thee was an item called the Bible. Link’s sheild had a cross on it, and official art from A Link to the Past showed him praying to a crucifix. But to avoid controversy, a FAKE mythology has been created. A legend that never existed. Is it any different than reading The Oddessey for a class, or being interested in Egyptian gods? It”s all fake. It was probably just some crazy cosplayers playing that song. People can’t control the weather, with or without a song. Wouldn’t you be saying Paganism is the correct religion, then?
The Zelda games are about a boy who saves a beautiful kingdom and it’s princess from evil, gaining heroic qualities like wisdom and courage along the way. A STORY. Fiction isn’t a sin.
This is ridiculous.
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