Ontario, Canada – Tensions continue to grow between America and our North Mexican neighbors, this time after a heinous, long-term plot of the Canadian army was revealed by the CIA. US military operatives tracked secret shipments of maple syrup, Canada’s prized export to the US, from Quebec to News Brunswick. For years, Canadian companies had claimed that billions 0f gallons of missing syrup were stolen by mountain men in transport, sparking concern from the international maple syrup watchdog agency. What started as a concern about commerce and quality control soon turned to an act of war after a document leaked to WikiLeaks revealed a long-time Canadian conspiracy to ship a super-fattening maple syrup into America, to fatten our population. The Canadian conspiracy was fully revealed and proven yesterday when officials finally intercepted a shipment of crude Canadian maple and quickly shipped it to Northern Detroit for chemical testing. The results were astounding.
An unknown chemical additive in the syrup, only able to be obtained by the most complex of means that is not available for normal FDA testing, forces the body’s metabolism to decrease by a whopping 60%. Within a day, test rats had gained 6 times their body weight, with more weight adding on each minute they were fed. It was as if the chemical additive has the ability to permanently alter the body’s ability to catabolize. Officials assume that this chemical additive has been secretly placed in random ‘batches’ of maple syrup meant for export to the U.S. If you are currently fat, and have ever enjoyed a pancake with maple syrup, there is a strong chance that your fat — that you just cannot shake — is actually the result of this Canadian plot. This explains why so many of us Americans are suffering from fat. Historical analysts tie this latest Canadian act of subversive warfare to the War of 1812, where drunken Canadians teamed with their British overlords to burn down Washington, DC, out of spite. America’s army smacked them back of this nation, but since that time, Canada has considered themselves at war with America. General Peter Devlin, who is likely behind this maple syrup fattening conspiracy, could not be reached for comment at time of report. The Canadians figure that when over 80% of America is too fat for combat, they will join with the Chinese, Soviets and Barbarians to ransack our nation and force us into surrender.