United States Colony of Mars (ChristWire) - New images captures by America’s Mars Rover has revealed what we had hoped all along: Mars is filled with oil. Tons of it.
NPR’s release of NASA’s findings has shocked the world at large, as many incorrectly assume that oil is the product of dinosaur bones. Since dinosaurs have never existed, here or Mars, it leaves us with one true fact: God has placed that oil there on Mars, by some means, and we must now develop our space fleet so we can secure it and ship it.
The Bush Administration long theorized that Mars did contain oil that would be vital for America’s continued dominance of the planet and eventually of space. For this reason, President Bush mandated that the USA establish an official Martian state by 2027 and prepare orbital defenses to shoot down any other nation who may try to plunder our resources.
NASA officials say the oil wells are so bountiful that they spout every Autumn, as we can see in this dynamic imagery. The oil is largely carbon based and comes out cold, according to quantified telemetry. The cold turrets of icy oil may even be more combustible than that we have on Earth, meaning that the yield of one Martian mindfield could represent quadrillions of dollars per annual shipment.
Officials assume that under the surface, Mars contains a giant subterrarean ocean of oil, just waiting to be freed. Dr. Phil Christianson of Arizona State University reports, “If you were there, you’d be standing on a slab of carbon dioxide ice. All around you, roaring jets of carbon dioxide gas are throwing sand and dust a couple hundred feet into the air. The ground below would be rumbling. You’d feel it in your spaceboots.”
While even Obama has recognized the need to establish a Martian base at this point in his presidency, he must be kicked out of office so Mitt Romney — a man whose faith dictates travel to other planets — will fund NASA with more military spacecraft funding so we can take over Mars and secure all this oil.
In related news, now is a great time to invest in Halliburton stock.