• The First Presidential Debate: A Primer For Christians.

    October 3, 2012 12:42 am 9 comments
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    Mark E. Figs.

    The first Presidential debate of 2012 is days away, and Barack Obama is prepared to continue his relentless assault on the basic tenets of Christianity, which will surely have us of the God-fearing lot living in fear while homosexuals prance around in the streets spreading HIV and AIDS-infected drug users abuse our doctors and nurses for free healthcare.

    Unless we arm ourselves within the holy armor of Christ, Obama will win re-election and subject us to four more years of unrepentant assaults on our beliefs.

    In order to help aid the Christian voter, I have compiled a handy list of where each candidate stands on the important issues. Enjoy.

    Homosexuality/Sodomy —

    Obama: Enacted “Obamacare” to aid homosexuals in receiving treatment for the variety of AIDS -related ailments and illnesses they procure as a result of their sinful, immoral lifestyle. Wants to allow gayhomosexuals the right to marriage, effectively eroding the American social structure and filling our streets with drug-fueled “Pride” festivals and flaunted buttsex debauchery. Is undecided about letting humans engage in sex acts with animals, but with his penchant for allowing the wicked gays to get married, the bill allowing human-animal marriage probably isn’t too far off. Will cause the moral foundation of this country to decay by allowing one of our sacred pillars — heterosexualism — to be replaced by rampant anal sex and oral sex between diseased queers.

    Romney: Preserves the right of marriage between a man and a woman and desires that everyone follows the Biblical precedent of heterosexuality because he is a true patriot with red, white and blue pulsing through his veins and isn’t interested in turning God’s holy gift of marriage into a garbage dump full of AIDS and illegal Asian orphans raised by same-sex middle aged balding white guys who look nothing like the children they adopted.


    Obama: Wants women to be able to freely dispose of their babies in a violent manner. Encourages women to take advantage of “Safe Haven” laws in which they drop off their drug-addicted, welfare-abusing babies, even going so far as to name the initiative the “Baby Moses” project. He has made it a nation-wide mandate that schools should teach our children that having pre-marital sex is “cool” and easily fixable by having abortions. Wants to rip the Bible law from our hands and wash our country with the blood of innocent newborns, filling Satan’s cup with the sweet nectar of sin.

    Romney: Opposes abortion in all forms, as any valiant Christian should, and would make it a punishable offense to receive an abortion, with the punishment involving possible jail time and/or fines in order to curb the lax attitude of welfare-recipients who simply have sex with random men in order to pop out babies and sap the pockets of decent, hardworking American taxpayers who work nine-to-fives just so these people receiving aid can drive around in expensive cars and get “rim jobs” so their cars have gaudy wheels so they can drive to the grocery store AND buy more MENTHOL CIGARETTES and Arizona Iced Tea fruit-flavored beverages.

    Gun control:

    Obama: Wants to have decent Americans lose their right to own arms because it makes out country “more violent” despite the fact that our enemies — Russia, China, Mexico — all allow and encourage their citizens to carry weaponry. This will weaken our country and make it apt for invasion, perhaps by militant Muslim countries — countries that share the same faith as our Dictator-in-Chief. Coincidence? Obama also wants us to all voluntarily “donate” our handguns to be melted down and turned into useful metallic items, which will effectively weaken us and make us prone to violence from inner-city thugs.

    Romney: Will not take away our weapons and actually finds it quite beautiful that American families can openly own weapons and guns and use them in a safe and effective manner, such as shooting at vermin on one’s property or repelling intruders by shooting them in the face. Will not initiate a ban on semi-automatic weapons and heavy artillery as he realizes the benefit it provides when hunting big game, such as deer and elk.


    Obama: has an “open border” policy, wherein he encourages legions of drug-addicted, murderous kidnappers from Mexico into our country, to poison our crops and steal our daughters. Wants to strengthen America’s infrastructure by inviting thousands of non-English speaking criminals into our lands to steal and cheat, and take up the rights of other LEGAL Americans. Wants to provide a safe haven for these dirty mongrels to breed and raise their children, teaching them to suck off the teat of Lady Liberty.

    Romney: Has promised to build a multi-million dollar electric fence manned 24/7 by heavily armed guards who love the United States and swear to protect it at all costs. In addition, this wall will have Bible verses printed on it, in order to ward off evil the spirits associated with Mexican sorcery. The wall will have a “shoot first, ask questions later” policy that will help curb the scourge of bloodsucking parasitic illegals coming over here, stealing all of our doctor and lawyer jobs.

    There you have it, the candidate campaign platform in a nutshell. I hope you watch the debate tomorrow, and learn a little bit about this Presidential race, and Christ in the process.

    Glory to God in all things,

    Mark E. Figs.

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    About The Author
    Mark E. Figs Mark is an award-winning children's author, and Christian Conspiracy Theorist can be found on Facebook and Twitter -- (Mark E. Figs)

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