In order to win the upcoming elections, we’ve established that Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan will have to land the crucial gay voting bloc. It’s no question that gays are today’s bread and butter spread for sliding through a tough, tight election and coming out on top. If Obama continues to dominate the gay vote, there is no way we can muster enough momentum to heartily thrust Governor Mitt Romney to the top of the polls and finally ballots on election night. So really, what we have to ask ourselves is this: should Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan be fully gay for a day or two, so we can ensure we get the gay voting bloc?
The Archeduke of Homosexuality, Joe My God, is unto the gay community what a powerful imam is in the Middle East. With but a stroke of his pen or pitter-patter of his keyboard, Joe My God can ignite a fire in the pants of any of his followers and instantly have millions of gay men and lesbian women batter-ramming down the doors to a polling station, to vote for whatever candidate he endorses.
From the God of the Gap’s latest exortation, we learn of an apparently large group of gays named the ‘Stonewall Democrats’, the beefy adversaries to our very own Log Cabin Republicans, are still undecided on who their vote will go. Why should they not go Republican? Long ago, our old friend and fellow Dr. Billings established that it’s okay to be gay a time or two, if in the end you vow to be a stand-up guy for your God, country and family. It’s just dabbling a bit, like having one too many whiskies during a business trip and landing in your hotel room with a maid or local bar sleezy. It’s no harm, no foul and no reason to go upsetting the wife or kids with a big apology. Just a little I’m sorry to God and vowing to not do it again is good.
So by this logic, it is okay for Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan to entice some of these Stonewall Democrats, to get them to see Republicans can be gayfully appealing too. Once they get over this notion that Republicans are so anti-gay, they will consider all Mitt has to offer: great economic policy, strong family values despite homosexual moments in his past and a wonderfully strong chin that would look great in all their presidential power fantasies. They will also see that it’s possible to be gay one day, then choose to live a happier life with a wife, kids and shared laughter and testimony about how one used to dabble with illegal dinklage, just a bit.
The liberals at TopekasNews.com and Huffingtonpost.com put out a snarky message on National Coming Out Day, suggesting that Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan’s increasing homosexual moments and advertising were far more than suggestive. Today, I say we confess that it’s true and I even suggest the the two give each other a lover’s embrace, in public, right before the elections. Republicans are not going to vote for Obama, even if the two dabble each other a bit on a secret tape. So no votes will be lost. Only votes can be gained.
With an election as close as this years, every vote will count. We’ve already helped ‘balance’ the elections in Ohio and now, we must find other ways to keep Mitt up by whatever means necessary.
Gays are friendly and fickle, impulsive and wild. Their beliefs and likes can change just like a autumn leaf’s direction in an October gale, the crunch-crunch of leaves symbolic of a gay’s rustling love and devotion for the fun, free and fantastic.
Why is it that Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney, just for a day or two, cannot be fun, free and fantastic? I few little gropes here and snuggles there, and implied comfort that extends beyond embracing each other on the stage and into a bedroom of 1000 stitch Egyptian sheets. Team Romney can respresent the creedo of the gays, if just for a day: Live Long and Let Loose, especially in the caboose.
With that I fully support Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan being homosexual for a day or two. Sure, some people will not see the big picture and get up in arms over it, but with a strategic gay moment, we can and we will win the gay vote. And just like all other men of God who have somehow tinkered with homosexuality a time or two, in time all we be forgiven and people will move on. It will be a forgotten crime, like a cellphone talker in a cinema.
Romney/Ryan, gay for long enough that you know Republicans can dabble that way too, just not for a lifetime.