My good Republican friends, we can all now sit back and relax. Today our Lord has answered our one and only prayer, that we do not have a melanin-rich man as president for the next four years. I said it and you know that is what we need. In this time of economic need and an insecure middle class, we do not need rich, out of touch people running the show. Obama is melanin-rich as they come. You know our friends at Fox News have been itching to say it and every Tea Party rally has made it patently clear: we want a nice, melanin-conservative president for the next four years and God has answered our prayers.
Now as some of you may know, I am not exactly what you would call a scientist. I dabble here and there, enough to be dangerous and argue against evolution at the school board meetings. So all in all, I am a resident expert and know enough to keep liberal atheists like Peezee Myers from trying to spread their bizarre teaching agenda to our children, with their ‘magical’ big bangs and Medelian matings rituals that claim a monkey and caveman could evolve into humans after mating.
What I do know and understand is the science of faith, and our theory of phenotypic plasticity. Within every one of us, we have the ability to ‘alter’ our genes a bit. When Senator Akin mentioned legitimate couplings, he was talking about this ability. A woman has the genetic ability to shut down a pregnancy at any given point within the first 48 hours. But see, school books will not teach this fact. Liberals have an agenda to hide this true science, so they can make us out to be the bad guys and put their henchmen in place.
Within every person is the ability to control skin alleles as well. This is usually taken care of by the cerebellum, so it is an instictive, primal trait of our phenotypic plasticity. When let’s say, you are walking to your car at night and then suddenly, without warning, a gang of hooded hoodlums emerge from the darkness, your animal senses became prime. It is live action. Your heart pumps, you gain the ability to lift heavy objects like a refridgerator and you gain the strength of at least ten frustrated bears. That is called the fight or flight response, a part of our phenotypic plasticity. Those of us with strong, powerful Norse backgrounds have this ability of strongering ourselves, we can call it out when it is needed. We have the ability to become far stronger than normal.
And just like we have that ability, in some of us, there is an ability to use the skin like a chameleon. But to change the skin phenotype, these people must also alter key chemicals in the biochemical pathway that cascades to the requisite protein’s downregulation. Now what I am about to show you will shock you and may even scare you. But remember, this is science. This is how the universe was intended to work. We prayed to God that he would help Obama unveil his better half and we see the prayer has been answered. Behold true science my friends: Barack Obama is now a phenotypic white man, meaning his genotype has also changed:
President Obama changes his phenotype to Caucasion for his second term
When President Obama said he was all about hope, progress and change, at first I did not believe him. If he really stood for these great Republican principles, why was he making all of us white Republicans so scared?
Everyone saw Bill O’Reilly’s heartfelt White Establishment speech. He spoke for millions of terrified rich, white and powerful business men who were scared they would be ostracized and left in the cold, forced to pay thousands of dollars in taxes and deflating their bank accounts to the point that maybe a second or third Porsche would not be possible, just so some little minority baby would not have to suffer from croup or jaundice without medical coverage.
The White Establishment has nothing to fear now though, because the photograph above shows Barack Obama today changed his racial affiliation to Caucasion. To do so, he has opened his heart to God and within his cerebellum, there was a change that let him lighten his skin tone, using the power invested in him by his grandmother’s genes.
This science is confusing for many of you, but to understand it you have to delve a bit into astrophysics. And we’re not talking about that communist fantasy nonsense spewed by the Trekkie Neil deGrasse Tyson, but really astrophysics. There is a substance called space-time. We move foward through it. But angels and those endorsed by God can move ‘backward’ through it. When we are angels, we will be able to go back and see any events from the past: a ball game you missed, the birth of Christ, to see if your wife cheated on you that one day with the mailman. All that important, universal stuff. But I digress and that is for another time.
Just like you can move two ways through space-time, a person with mixed genetic ancestry can move both ways through race. Now, let us say you start going to the beach every day. Somewhere in your cerebellum, your body has the ability to say, “Turn black” and depending on how much African ancestry you have, your skin will darken or as they call it now, ‘tan’. This is because as we have proven with science, the Garden of Eden was actually in Africa. So therefore, most people have the ability to tan to protect ourselves from the Sun.
But Barack Obama has moved back through race, as we can see. He is going against the grain of space-time and science, reverse tanning himself in the image above. You can see with less melanin protein, his hair has become more like Mitt Romney’s, so nicely combed and styled, and he does not look as scary to people like me. He looks just like he is another Goodman dropping by the family reunion, ready to have a piece of roasted corn or some pickled pig’s feet. Yet, if you look deep, you can tell he has some of that Clinton naughtiness in him, a bit of ‘swagger’ that our African-American friends like to see in a president. They liked Clinton so they can like White Obama too. It is all good in the hood, so to speak.
I look forward to hearing Obama’s newly refined ideas, to see what his mind now thinks that he is using his white genes this time around. Today he has already informed MTV that he won’t be pushing gay marriage in his second term. That is proof of his genetic change there. Obama will likely now refuse to increase taxes on his rich, white friends and though that does not benefit me in any way, since I am not rich, it still makes me happy on the inside just because I feel more comfortable now. Everything is going to be okay: Obama is looking right and us Republicans can sigh a big relief, no matter what choices he makes that may or may not harm us.
Rapper Snoop Lion changed his phenotype early last year, to help audiences in the suburbs enjoy his new easy listening style. R and B great Michael Jackson used his phenotypic plasticity to always keep a fresh look, captivating his audience for decades.[/box_info]