Only a day before the 2012 elections, our crack investigative team at Christwire has come upon the most devastating fact against Obama. The onus of responsibility is great here, because the nation needs to know that Obama is supporting a group of men who call themselves the bronysexuals, a group of lush men who use the guise of friendship and pastel coloured ponies to bring a dose of rainbowed homosexuality and emotional confusion galloping into your family’s life.
The most dangerous thing about bronies is that they can blend so well into society. The balding teller at your local book store, the shy and awkward carnival hand, the long-haired, jobless rebel who smells of faint Cheetos and ogles your girlfriend at the video game store: these socially inept misfits may seem common and non-dangerous, but rest assured, they are smooth, calculating criminals, slowly nuzzling up the ranks of political power until the day they unify together and stomp us down with one powerful ‘brohoof’.
For all you know, I could be a brony.
It is for this reason we must pray and remain vigilant. While bronies are definitely grasping power and now have Obama under their control, we can buck their movement today and tomorrow by voting for Mitt Romney.
And while the ‘daytime’ costume of a brony may look like a normal man, if you look closely they still have symptoms of veiled ponysexuality. If you look closely, you can always find a brony.
Symptoms of Bronyism:
1. Shifty, glittery eyes – Bronies typically wear glittering eye shadows and do an illegal raver substance called Candied Angel Dust, resulting in jittery, addict behavior.
2. Men who call each other ‘bro’ - There are many words and phrases in the brony lexicon, but perhaps none is more widely used than ‘bro’. ‘Bro’ is short for ‘bronysexual’, usually denoting that the brony is question has passed the fraternity rituals and sexual requirements to be elevated from a simple ponysexual. So if you see two college aged guys in the mall saying ‘What’s up, bro?” to each other, they are bronies and likely have dressed in pony costumes, engaged in all sorts of illicit flesh depravities and actively recruit children to follow their lead.
3. Pro-bronie videos on YouTube – Every bronie is a YouTube addict. There is one named ‘Mic’, also known as The Equestrian One. Mic is a voice actor for My Little Pony and is the Jesus of their religion, meaning all bronies bow before his voice and cartoons. Bronies cannot resist typing their ‘human names’ in response to his videos, so if you look in the YouTube comment section you can find the identity of bronies who are tip-hoofing out of the closet.
4. Constantly Thirsty – You can always lead a brony to water, never forget that fact. Bronies lust for things like angel dust and will ‘finish off’ each other’s throbbing members at their rallies. This leaves their throats in a near constant state of being dusty and salty, a lurid combination resulting in thirst. Bronies chug water, alcohol, soda and anything else like a camel in the desert.
There is a new brand of Satanic elixir known as Dos Equis. The motto is ‘Stay Thirsty My Friends.’ You can see that is a codephrase for bronies, a wink-wink letting them know that the World’s Most Interesting Man is actually a brony himself and Dos Equis is the alcohol behind their movement.
5. Comfortable clustering with other men – A normal man always requires at least two feet of personal space from another man. Unless you are hugging your father as he lies on his deathbed or are being kiss-blessed by The Pope or President Bush, there is no reason to have a man close to your proxy.
Bronies will cluster with other men. At sporting events, men who constantly high-five or lock arms as they sing are likely closeted bronies. The veil of deception hangs over every Sigma Phi Epsilon, Sigma Chi and Sigma Nu fraternity house in America, as the cluster of men all know that Sigma means ‘Sophrosyne’ in Greek, the goddess of all horses. These horse men will try to deny this fact, but simply google “Sophrosyne” and “horse” and you will see a galloping brown stallion, speeding forever in the winds and bucking lustily into whatever it wants. And such is the life of all these bronies: untamed, wild and bucking.
The bronies are trying to buy out the White House. We must stop them by exposting them, sharing this knowledge and voting for a man who puts race horses locked up and serving like they belong: Mitt Romney.