All throughout America, there are men who live in shame and constantly worry about public appearances with their best friend, their dog. Deep in their hearts, they know that at any given moment their dog can create a public display of homosexuality: frantically licking a discarded chicken bone, sashaying with tail upright and backside puckered. Yipping like a chihuahua. The judgemental looks from a disgusted passerby can cause great amounts of shame and create rumors about the owner’s own sexuality. After all, a dog and its owner do tend to look and act alike over time. For this reason, it is necessary to know if your dog is gay. This litmus test of your dog’s sexuality can help determine if maybe even you have gay, unwanted tendencies that are creeping into your life, but your friends or family are just too scared to talk about.
For you who question the sexuality of your dog and therefore yourself, you are not alone. Scientists estimate that over 30% percent of the canine population may be secretly gay. The following list will show the symptoms of homosexuality in a dog and help you realize that as a pet owner, you are truly not alone. This new socio-genetic pandemic is not limited or exclusive.
In what some scientists may classify as innocent canine gameplay of establishing the ‘alpha male’, the careful owner will note the rampant, flagrant homosexuality only seen in humans who eagerly run to the rugby field. The image above shows canines engaging in a courting ritual oft seen in powertops and powerbottoms, vernacular that is common both to the standard homosexual community and rugby gaming community. All are displays of homosexuality and should be recognized as such.
1) Religiously inhales the hello hole of male canines at the dog park
There is a fine line between decency and debauchery in the greeting techniques of any homosexual, regardless of species. Within dogs, however, there is a certain intimacy and eagerness one will see in a gay dog. If you find your dog nose deep in a boxer or German Shepard’s backside on a consistent basis, you likely have a gay-practicing dog. Don’t mistake this behavior for alpha-male dominance either. “Alpha-male dominance” is just p.c. for ‘power top’, the pure antithesis of power bottom.
If you find yourself at the local YMCA, breathing heavily in the locker room and slowly rubbing a damp public towel over your nose, it is quite possible that your gay dog’s behaviors are rubbing off on you and causing you to become very gay-friendly or even gay curious. Beware.
2) Obscessive tongue maintenance, especially in regard to the scrotal genitalia.
Non-normal dogs are finicky yet addictive about what goes into the mouth: if something is rancid or does not taste right, they will viciously lap their tongue outward to jetison whatever they don’t want to swallow. Much how gay men cannot get enough salty butter on their popcorn at the theater, a gay dog cannot get enough of licking his scrotal region. This is likely due to the ‘flavor’ the dog prefers, be it from himself or another.
At times you may find yourself musing, “Does my dog have pica, why does he lick everything?” Pica is rare, homosexuality is not. When faced with two obvious choices, the most obvious and common is true. If you have a salt-afficianado on your hands, you definitely have a turret stuffer for a canine.
3) Becomes overly excited before releasing a bowel movement
Gays have a certain comfort and familiarity with fecal matter. It comes with the territory. Any gay worth his self-worth is not turned away by a little intestinal splatter here or there, it is all a part of nature to them and in some cases may cause increased arousal. Within the gay dog community, fecal play works the same way. A gay dog will become frantic and excited when he needs to go outside to let out his dog doo. You will begin to think to yourself, “Wow, my dog really enjoys taking his shi*s.” If you find yourself thinking this about your dog, you are simply witnessing what sociologist Sigmund Freud observed long ago. A dog can be bipolar in its anal retentiveness or expulsiveness, violently swinging between neat, stingy, precise and orderly bowel movements taken only on the lawn, to the dog that howls with excitement as he maliciously unleashes a messy, disorganized, reckless, careless and defiant bowel movement on the leather of your BMW, only blocks away from the dog park.
No matter the personality type, a dog who becomes fascinated and focused on its bowel movements is exhibiting very clear signs of homosexuality, in a Freudian sense.
4) Expresses signs of kitty litterphilia, that is, a conniseuer of cat poo.
Along with taking physical pleasure from anything related to bowel movements, a gay dog will even develop a palate for feces, especially when it comes from a cat. Have you ever caught your dog dabbling his tongue within the cat litter box, perhaps hanging in shame as he sploshes his tongue from his mouth, quickly trying to shell out bits of sandy matter left over from his little fetishized treat?
What a box of chocolate is to a woman, a nugget of cat poop is to a gay dog. Science finds that feminine dogs actually experience a sudden burst of endorphins when eating fecal matter. While results are still not conclusive if this treat choice holds true for humans, it is likely no coincidence that stores in West Hollywood are selling edible beef jerky gay thongs and that they are very popular this Christmas season.
5) Goes crazy for peanut butter –
Everyone knows that gay palette is quite complex, so it may seem natural that a gay dog enjoys more than a salty lick or cat excrement. Does your dog go crazy for peanut butter? If so, science again shows that he is most likely gay. Peanut butter holds a special place in the world of homosexuality. It is sticky; it is stiff; it is soft; yet its bold flavor can severely alter the flavor and experience of any body part.
If you are unsure about your dog’s peanut butter preference, perform a simple test. Smear peanut butter on an object your dog may not like, such as the vaccuum. If your dog cannot resist wandering over for a lick, beware, it is showing yet another gay tendency against all odds and fear. Likewise, if you find yourself eating more than several peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch per year, and you are not a school child, it is time to reevaluate your life and wonder if there is an issue of sexuality dwelling deep within.
6) Enjoys the frufru outfits my girlfriend picks out for him
Every dog owner knows it is risky business to stuff your friend into a tight, cutesy outfit. There is a reason why it’s quite rare to find a steel-tooth rotweiler or great dane prouncing about with bows and ribbon in hair. Even a shameful dog, like a tiny jack russel terrier, will put up a fight and protest if forced to wear anything but its natural scent and coat.
7) Awkwardly arches his back, then scoots across the yard as if competing in a ski competition
Gay bowel disease occurs exclusively in power bottoms, that is, the intended recipients of any sindocking that takes place. A power bottom’s anal glands oft times become inflamed, leaving him shamed and squirming, usually uncomfortable after sitting in one place for an extended period of time. When asked if he is alright, the power bottom may answer, ‘Oh, it’s just my hemmorhoids’. That is a comfort term for ‘my anal glands are filled with liquid sin’.
Likewise, if your dog enjoys taking a good mounting while you are distracted at the dog park, you will find your veterinarian has the unpleasant task of cleaning him out on nearly every check-up. As your vet reaches to clean your dog, look deep into his eyes. You will see that beyond the showful whimper, he seems to like it. That is not right or moral, that is a closet gay dog in your midst.
Even if cursed to be a bichon frise, a proper dog will fight, bite and maul to avoid being paraded about like a kitten in a cute outfit. If your dog weighs less than 20 pounds, you are probably gay to begin with and should not be shocked at its behavior. If your dog is over 20 pounds and is allowing itself to become a fashion or lifestyle accessory without protest, it may be time to ask your local kennel why it is selling left-pawed dogs.
8) Squats when urinating instead of one leg up.
The pride of masculinity is waking up in the morning, proudly stammering to the bathroom to unleash the fleshy birthright of your ancestral forefathers, only to awaken the household with a streaming alarm that reminds them who is boss. Powerful and steady, noisy and bold. That is the only way a man should unleash his bladder in the morning.
Unfortunately within homosexuality, that since of pride is replaced with the dainty refinement of British royalty. A gay man may find himself tinkling and aiming, trying to create the least amount of noise as possible in the bowl. And much like a gay dog, a gay man will squat when urinating. If you find yourself or your dog to be squatters, it may be time for intervention from a counselor. It is never too late to stop burgeoning homosexuality in your home.
9) Scared of bath time.
Gays naturally revel in their natural musk: the Earthy scents and tones makes them primal in their sexuality, a central tenet of the gay culture. When frantically humping an inanimate object, your dog has likely become excited from a scent it picked up from long ago. When you threaten to wash away the core of its being, its scent, the gay dog will protest, whine and cry, not wanting to have a ‘part of himself’ removed. This unique behavior is not exclusive to dogs, but also to men. Have you ever smelt your own gas, whafting up to your nose with a helpful hand? Perhaps whiffing at the musk from your boxers? If you find the answer to these vulgar, shameful questions, yes, again, you and your best friend are going down the long path of homosexuality.
10) Refuses to hump the wife’s leg, humps yours instead
This one is self-explanatory.
11) If you take a deep whiff into his fart field and it smells like berries
Again, the issue of intestinal content and anatomy play a key role in the gay community. High-end gays, oft found living in the upper echelons of Manhattan and West Hollywood, engage in what’s called intestinal scenting. Simply, they indulge in massive quantities of high end wines and berry fruits, typically leaving their bum region with a scented berry scent. Dogs of these men (of which many of you readers may find yourself) tend to exhibit the same tendencies. Psychologists speculate that men who eat a high fruit/wine diet may not even realize they are treading on homosexuality, preparing themselves to be hit on by a rogue powertop after a night of advocado bean burritos and spritzed cerveza at the local cantina.
12) When he cases you in the face, it tastes a bit like ass
A gay dog will become forceful about licking you in the face. This aggressive behavior is very common in gay clubs, being found just as often as a well-shaken martini or a guy with tattoos. If your dog manages to lick your face, you may immediately recoil in disgust as his breath smells like 3 a.m. on the uptown subway. There is something unnatural and naughty about the breath.
13) Overly shiny coat that stays perfumed two days after a Doggy Spa.
As mentioned before, a gay dog will not take well to losing his scent. The deep, animalistic smell keeps his juices flowing, his primacy alive. And no matter the amount of perfumes, cucumber baths and moisterizers you pay for your dog to take in as you get a mani/pedi at your local guy and furry friend spa, you will find his gay tendencies rise to the surface. Only after a few days, your dog’s natural scent will return. And you may find yourself wafting the scent to your nose, just to know where sexuality stands in your home.
Derek Van Buren is an award-winning Christwire Values and Lifestyle senior editor, his works being seen on NBC and ABC, as well as spotlighted on various literary and radio media across the world. Van Buren’s ‘Dangers of College Life’ tour was rated within the top ten events for college freshman by Family Focus monthly, while his exclusive sermon on the Dangers of Vajazzling was featured on TBN and featured on E! Television.
Derek Van Buren can be reached at his Facebook or email for media inquiries, speaking requests and event bookings.