Is My Dog Secretly Gay?
All throughout America, there are men who live in shame and constantly worry about public appearances with their best friend, their dog. Deep in their hearts, they know that at any given moment their dog can create a public display of homosexuality: frantically licking a discarded chicken bone, sashaying with tail upright and backside puckered. Yipping like a chihuahua. The judgemental looks from a disgusted passerby can cause great amounts of shame and create rumors about the owner’s own sexuality. After all, a dog and its owner do tend to look and act alike over time. For this reason, it is necessary to know if your dog is gay. This litmus test of your dog’s sexuality can help determine if maybe even you have gay, unwanted tendencies that are creeping into your life, but your friends or family are just too scared to talk about.
For you who question the sexuality of your dog and therefore yourself, you are not alone. Scientists estimate that over 30% percent of the canine population may be secretly gay. The following list will show the symptoms of homosexuality in a dog and help you realize that as a pet owner, you are truly not alone. This new socio-genetic pandemic is not limited or exclusive.
In what some scientists may classify as innocent canine gameplay of establishing the ‘alpha male’, the careful owner will note the rampant, flagrant homosexuality only seen in humans who eagerly run to the rugby field. The image above shows canines engaging in a courting ritual oft seen in powertops and powerbottoms, vernacular that is common both to the standard homosexual community and rugby gaming community. All are displays of homosexuality and should be recognized as such.
1) Religiously inhales the hello hole of male canines at the dog park
There is a fine line between decency and debauchery in the greeting techniques of any homosexual, regardless of species. Within dogs, however, there is a certain intimacy and eagerness one will see in a gay dog. If you find your dog nose deep in a boxer or German Shepard’s backside on a consistent basis, you likely have a gay-practicing dog. Don’t mistake this behavior for alpha-male dominance either. “Alpha-male dominance” is just p.c. for ‘power top’, the pure antithesis of power bottom.
If you find yourself at the local YMCA, breathing heavily in the locker room and slowly rubbing a damp public towel over your nose, it is quite possible that your gay dog’s behaviors are rubbing off on you and causing you to become very gay-friendly or even gay curious. Beware.
2) Obscessive tongue maintenance, especially in regard to the scrotal genitalia.
Non-normal dogs are finicky yet addictive about what goes into the mouth: if something is rancid or does not taste right, they will viciously lap their tongue outward to jetison whatever they don’t want to swallow. Much how gay men cannot get enough salty butter on their popcorn at the theater, a gay dog cannot get enough of licking his scrotal region. This is likely due to the ‘flavor’ the dog prefers, be it from himself or another.
At times you may find yourself musing, “Does my dog have pica, why does he lick everything?” Pica is rare, homosexuality is not. When faced with two obvious choices, the most obvious and common is true. If you have a salt-afficianado on your hands, you definitely have a turret stuffer for a canine.
3) Becomes overly excited before releasing a bowel movement
Gays have a certain comfort and familiarity with fecal matter. It comes with the territory. Any gay worth his self-worth is not turned away by a little intestinal splatter here or there, it is all a part of nature to them and in some cases may cause increased arousal. Within the gay dog community, fecal play works the same way. A gay dog will become frantic and excited when he needs to go outside to let out his dog doo. You will begin to think to yourself, “Wow, my dog really enjoys taking his shi*s.” If you find yourself thinking this about your dog, you are simply witnessing what sociologist Sigmund Freud observed long ago. A dog can be bipolar in its anal retentiveness or expulsiveness, violently swinging between neat, stingy, precise and orderly bowel movements taken only on the lawn, to the dog that howls with excitement as he maliciously unleashes a messy, disorganized, reckless, careless and defiant bowel movement on the leather of your BMW, only blocks away from the dog park.
No matter the personality type, a dog who becomes fascinated and focused on its bowel movements is exhibiting very clear signs of homosexuality, in a Freudian sense.
4) Expresses signs of kitty litterphilia, that is, a conniseuer of cat poo.
Along with taking physical pleasure from anything related to bowel movements, a gay dog will even develop a palate for feces, especially when it comes from a cat. Have you ever caught your dog dabbling his tongue within the cat litter box, perhaps hanging in shame as he sploshes his tongue from his mouth, quickly trying to shell out bits of sandy matter left over from his little fetishized treat?
What a box of chocolate is to a woman, a nugget of cat poop is to a gay dog. Science finds that feminine dogs actually experience a sudden burst of endorphins when eating fecal matter. While results are still not conclusive if this treat choice holds true for humans, it is likely no coincidence that stores in West Hollywood are selling edible beef jerky gay thongs and that they are very popular this Christmas season.
5) Goes crazy for peanut butter -
Everyone knows that gay palette is quite complex, so it may seem natural that a gay dog enjoys more than a salty lick or cat excrement. Does your dog go crazy for peanut butter? If so, science again shows that he is most likely gay. Peanut butter holds a special place in the world of homosexuality. It is sticky; it is stiff; it is soft; yet its bold flavor can severely alter the flavor and experience of any body part.
If you are unsure about your dog’s peanut butter preference, perform a simple test. Smear peanut butter on an object your dog may not like, such as the vaccuum. If your dog cannot resist wandering over for a lick, beware, it is showing yet another gay tendency against all odds and fear. Likewise, if you find yourself eating more than several peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch per year, and you are not a school child, it is time to reevaluate your life and wonder if there is an issue of sexuality dwelling deep within.
6) Enjoys the frufru outfits my girlfriend picks out for him
Every dog owner knows it is risky business to stuff your friend into a tight, cutesy outfit. There is a reason why it’s quite rare to find a steel-tooth rotweiler or great dane prouncing about with bows and ribbon in hair. Even a shameful dog, like a tiny jack russel terrier, will put up a fight and protest if forced to wear anything but its natural scent and coat.
7) Awkwardly arches his back, then scoots across the yard as if competing in a ski competition
Gay bowel disease occurs exclusively in power bottoms, that is, the intended recipients of any sindocking that takes place. A power bottom’s anal glands oft times become inflamed, leaving him shamed and squirming, usually uncomfortable after sitting in one place for an extended period of time. When asked if he is alright, the power bottom may answer, ‘Oh, it’s just my hemmorhoids’. That is a comfort term for ‘my anal glands are filled with liquid sin’.
Likewise, if your dog enjoys taking a good mounting while you are distracted at the dog park, you will find your veterinarian has the unpleasant task of cleaning him out on nearly every check-up. As your vet reaches to clean your dog, look deep into his eyes. You will see that beyond the showful whimper, he seems to like it. That is not right or moral, that is a closet gay dog in your midst.
Even if cursed to be a bichon frise, a proper dog will fight, bite and maul to avoid being paraded about like a kitten in a cute outfit. If your dog weighs less than 20 pounds, you are probably gay to begin with and should not be shocked at its behavior. If your dog is over 20 pounds and is allowing itself to become a fashion or lifestyle accessory without protest, it may be time to ask your local kennel why it is selling left-pawed dogs.
8) Squats when urinating instead of one leg up.
The pride of masculinity is waking up in the morning, proudly stammering to the bathroom to unleash the fleshy birthright of your ancestral forefathers, only to awaken the household with a streaming alarm that reminds them who is boss. Powerful and steady, noisy and bold. That is the only way a man should unleash his bladder in the morning.
Unfortunately within homosexuality, that since of pride is replaced with the dainty refinement of British royalty. A gay man may find himself tinkling and aiming, trying to create the least amount of noise as possible in the bowl. And much like a gay dog, a gay man will squat when urinating. If you find yourself or your dog to be squatters, it may be time for intervention from a counselor. It is never too late to stop burgeoning homosexuality in your home.
9) Scared of bath time.
Gays naturally revel in their natural musk: the Earthy scents and tones makes them primal in their sexuality, a central tenet of the gay culture. When frantically humping an inanimate object, your dog has likely become excited from a scent it picked up from long ago. When you threaten to wash away the core of its being, its scent, the gay dog will protest, whine and cry, not wanting to have a ‘part of himself’ removed. This unique behavior is not exclusive to dogs, but also to men. Have you ever smelt your own gas, whafting up to your nose with a helpful hand? Perhaps whiffing at the musk from your boxers? If you find the answer to these vulgar, shameful questions, yes, again, you and your best friend are going down the long path of homosexuality.
10) Refuses to hump the wife’s leg, humps yours instead
This one is self-explanatory.
11) If you take a deep whiff into his fart field and it smells like berries
Again, the issue of intestinal content and anatomy play a key role in the gay community. High-end gays, oft found living in the upper echelons of Manhattan and West Hollywood, engage in what’s called intestinal scenting. Simply, they indulge in massive quantities of high end wines and berry fruits, typically leaving their bum region with a scented berry scent. Dogs of these men (of which many of you readers may find yourself) tend to exhibit the same tendencies. Psychologists speculate that men who eat a high fruit/wine diet may not even realize they are treading on homosexuality, preparing themselves to be hit on by a rogue powertop after a night of advocado bean burritos and spritzed cerveza at the local cantina.
12) When he cases you in the face, it tastes a bit like ass
A gay dog will become forceful about licking you in the face. This aggressive behavior is very common in gay clubs, being found just as often as a well-shaken martini or a guy with tattoos. If your dog manages to lick your face, you may immediately recoil in disgust as his breath smells like 3 a.m. on the uptown subway. There is something unnatural and naughty about the breath.
13) Overly shiny coat that stays perfumed two days after a Doggy Spa.
As mentioned before, a gay dog will not take well to losing his scent. The deep, animalistic smell keeps his juices flowing, his primacy alive. And no matter the amount of perfumes, cucumber baths and moisterizers you pay for your dog to take in as you get a mani/pedi at your local guy and furry friend spa, you will find his gay tendencies rise to the surface. Only after a few days, your dog’s natural scent will return. And you may find yourself wafting the scent to your nose, just to know where sexuality stands in your home.
Author Spotlight: Derek Van Buren Derek Van Buren is an award-winning Christwire Values and Lifestyle senior editor, his works being seen on NBC and ABC, as well as spotlighted on various literary and radio media across the world. Van Buren’s ‘Dangers of College Life’ tour was rated within the top ten events for college freshman by Family Focus monthly, while his exclusive sermon on the Dangers of Vajazzling was featured on TBN and featured on E! Television.
Derek Van Buren can be reached at his Facebook or email for media inquiries, speaking requests and event bookings.
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6:30 am
Most of these (With exception of 6, 10, 11) are common dog behavior… So by the logic of this list, every dog must be gay… Brilliant….
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11:54 am
I agree all normal dog behaviour. However I’d include 10 in the list of normal dog behaviour as well. The dog humping a person/other dog is often a sign of dominance. So if 10 happens to you, it means as far as your dog is concerned your wife runs the pact and you are its inferior.
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6:59 am
Well dogs are the spawn of evil i mean you never hear them talk about a hell cat do you.
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8:30 pm
I have, actually. but I’m a gargantuan geek who plays far too many tabletop games.
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8:36 pm
Actually there is a guy on here that must have an extreme fear and hatred for cats… he’s actually worse than this freak!
http://christwire.org/author/brother-adam/
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7:24 am
my dog squats down to pee because she is a girl does that mean she’s gay?
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11:57 am
Well this article only seems to concern male dogs despite the fact both sexes of dog do all of these things (with the exception of the cocked leg to pee thing, that’s male) so unclear.
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9:47 am
do you even realize female dogs exist because this is also going the ssame for females
some chiuauas smell like berries after you clean them no matter what you use
alot of dogs feel good after pooping same as we do
my dog humps my leg instea of mydaughters or sisters does that mena anything nope means he likes me more then others
saying dogs who hate baths are gay is wildly bad alot f dogs hate baths but ironiclly love siwmming
and this whole rant:
Gays naturally revel in their natural musk: the Earthy scents and tones makes them primal in their sexuality, a central tenet of the gay culture. When frantically humping an inanimate object, your dog has likely become excited from a scent it picked up from long ago. When you threaten to wash away the core of its being, its scent, the gay dog will protest, whine and cry, not wanting to have a ‘part of himself’ removed. This unique behavior is not exclusive to dogs, but also to men. Have you ever smelt your own gas, whafting up to your nose with a helpful hand? Perhaps whiffing at the musk from your boxers? If you find the answer to these vulgar, shameful questions, yes, again, you and your best friend are going down the long path of homosexuality.
WE DO NOT HATE BATHS WE LIKE THEM WE DO F*CK IN THEM BUT THEN WE WASH AS WELL DONT SAY HORRIBLE LIES
Even if cursed to be a bichon frise, a proper dog will fight, bite and maul to avoid being paraded about like a kitten in a cute outfit. If your dog weighs less than 20 pounds, you are probably gay to begin with and should not be shocked at its behavior. If your dog is over 20 pounds and is allowing itself to become a fashion or lifestyle accessory without protest, it may be time to ask your local kennel why it is selling left-pawed dogs.
um i just dont kno anymore its flawed beyond belief
i own a boxer
a min pin
a chiuauaua
a bulldog
and a shi zhu
who are all suprising lly usefull
boxer great gaurd dog
min pin great at catching vermin
chiuauaua a cute and will bark away anything trust m its woken me up tostop a few intruders
bulldog are relible and atleast they do not crap as much
shi zhu are suprising ly fast ad get me up running in te morning
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10:32 am
tl;dr
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2:17 pm
my point: everything they listed is normal dog behavior
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11:49 am
Wow, what a load of rubbish. You clearly know nothing about dogs. It is true that dogs and owners usually begin to act alike but it is always the dog who acts like the owner not the other way around. They do this as they are a pack animals, they follow and mimic the person/animal they consider to be the alpha. So your whole thing about having a gay/camp dog means it will rub off on you is idiotic. If anything it would suggest that you’ve turned your dog camp not the other way round.
“Scientists estimate that over 30% percent of the canine population may be secretly gay” Which scientists? Who are these scientists you keep referring to? Someone needs to tell them they are completely wrong and making up statistics. 92.5% of all statistics are falsified in some way.
1) Religiously inhales the hello hole of male canines at the dog park
Normal dog behaviour. EVERY dog does this and there is no way to stop them from doing it. Including the alpha-males by the way. A dog has anal glands that secrete a fluid that tells another dog all the information he/she needs to know, including health and temperament. Nothing homosexual about it.
2) Obscessive tongue maintenance, especially in regard to the scrotal genitalia.
Just casually cleaning here.
3) Becomes overly excited before releasing a bowel movement
The dog isn’t enjoying taking a poo, it just really needed to go. Also you’ve completely misunderstood what Freud was on about if you thought the anal stage of development had anything to do with homosexuality.
4) Expresses signs of kitty litterphilia, that is, a conniseuer of cat poo.
Dogs eat poo. They always have, probably always will. It is a behaviour that remains from the days when they where wild. They would need to dispose of any poo because it would attract any predators to their den. No poo meant less chance of predators arriving and eating puppies. So basically if your dog eats poo it is protecting its den and family from potential predators.
5) Goes crazy for peanut butter
Never really known a dog who “goes crazy” for peanut butter, but easily explainable. A dog likes pretty much all food and will go crazy when offered food.
6) Enjoys the frufru outfits my girlfriend picks out for him
No dog really enjoys being dressed up. If you start to treat it whilst it is getting dressed up though it will associate that specific item with the pleasure of the food/activity so will appear excited at the sight of the thing when really it only wants the reward. Also Jack Russell terriers are far from a “shameful dog”. The breed started out as a dog to aid in fox hunts by the way and can be very scrappy. They can and do hold their own when needing to fight and protest.
7) Awkwardly arches his back, then scoots across the yard as if competing in a ski competition
Normal dog behaviour. As you yourself have said dogs have anal glands. They need to be regularly “emptied” for lack of a better word. Usually it happens whilst they poo but doesn’t always work so well. If the glands aren’t emptied they swell and can cause discomfort. So the “technique” is the dog’s way of trying to empty these swollen glands. Also it is sometimes taken as a sign that the dog has worms. Neither explanation has anything to do with homosexual activity.
8) Squats when urinating instead of one leg up.
Dogs that have been neutered will occasionally do this. Perfectly normal behaviour if a dog squats.
9) Scared of bath time.
Most dogs are terrified of bath time. They don’t like it at all. Dogs very often have bad experiences being bathed at an early age be it soapy water in the eyes and/or ears or just general roughness whilst being cleaned and left cold and wet after. A dog will quickly associate the bath with discomfort and therefore dislike baths. Also aren’t gay men stereotypically meant to be large fans of cleanliness and appearance whereas the straight male will take much less prode in his hygiene and appearance?
10) Refuses to hump the wife’s leg, humps yours instead
Yep, self-explanatory if you know anything about a dog’s behaviour. A dog, female dogs included here, will hump a person/dog/other animal it considers a lesser pack member, it is an act of dominance nothing sexual . A dog will not hump something it considers a higher status. No dog humps the alpha. So if a dog humps your leg but not your wife’s it means that the dog considers your wife the leader of the pack/higher than him/her and you are of a lower status to them. Basically if this is true the hierarchy the dog perceives in your family is: your wife, then the dog and then, at the bottom of the poll, you.
11) If you take a deep whiff into his fart field and it smells like berries
Your dog eats a lot of berries or stuff that makes it poo smell of berries. Nothing more can be taken from that other than the fact you weirdly like to smell your dog’s farts. Also “typically leaving their bum region with a scented berry scent.” how would you know that unless you have discovered this through personal experience?
12) When he cases you in the face, it tastes a bit like ass.
A female dog licks young to groom them. A young dog will lick as a signal of food. Dogs will also lick those that it submits to. It is the gesture opposite to the whole humping to show dominance thing. No lick is therefore forceful or aggressive. Also as for the smell the majority of dogs had bad breath.
13) Overly shiny coat that stays perfumed two days after a Doggy Spa.
All animals find their scent important. No matter what sexual orientation an animal will dislike losing his scent. It helps them attract a mate. As for pampering your pet to the extent you’ve described? Isn’t that considered a stereotypically camp thing to do.
Finally “If your dog weighs less than 20 pounds, you are probably gay to begin with and should not be shocked at its behavior.” The breed of dog does not indicate a person’s sexuality. Any that claim so are idiots of the highest caliber.
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3:09 am
Wow, I have never seen a person be so wrong. Let me grab a glass of wine and then I’ll take time to break down your wordy retort.
Johnny boy says 1) Normal dog behaviour. EVERY dog does this and there is no way to stop them from doing it. Including the alpha-males by the way. A dog has anal glands that secrete a fluid that tells another dog all the information he/she needs to know, including health and temperament. Nothing homosexual about it.
A normal dog does not sniff the tail end of another dog. You can believe the claptrap about dog greetings if you will, but it is not necessary and indicates a perverse owner who would allow such things. Please, for the sake of humanity, do not have children.
2) Just casually cleaning here.
I would hate to know what bath time looks like in your home, Johnny.
3) The dog isn’t enjoying taking a poo, it just really needed to go. Also you’ve completely misunderstood what Freud was on about if you thought the anal stage of development had anything to do with homosexuality.
The years were fecal tendency is developed coincides with sexuality. If you do not understand that aspect of Freud’s studies, you need to go back to psych 101.
4) Dogs eat poo. They always have, probably always will. It is a behaviour that remains from the days when they where wild. They would need to dispose of any poo because it would attract any predators to their den. No poo meant less chance of predators arriving and eating puppies. So basically if your dog eats poo it is protecting its den and family from potential predators.
First, you misspelled behavior. Secondly, ‘scatting’ is not acceptable, in any species. Just because there was a time when mankind use to squat while taking a doo, it does not mean it is normal or acceptable now.
5) Never really known a dog who “goes crazy” for peanut butter, but easily explainable. A dog likes pretty much all food and will go crazy when offered food.
Try feeding your dog some asparagus or eggplant. Let’s see how crazy it goes. Maybe a habenero pepper, call ASPCA while you are at it.
6) No dog really enjoys being dressed up. If you start to treat it whilst it is getting dressed up though it will associate that specific item with the pleasure of the food/activity so will appear excited at the sight of the thing when really it only wants the reward. Also Jack Russell terriers are far from a “shameful dog”. The breed started out as a dog to aid in fox hunts by the way and can be very scrappy. They can and do hold their own when needing to fight and protest.
At this point, let’s go ahead and admit it. You are in denial. Your dog is gay and you may even question your own sexuality.
7) Normal dog behaviour. As you yourself have said dogs have anal glands. They need to be regularly “emptied” for lack of a better word. Usually it happens whilst they poo but doesn’t always work so well. If the glands aren’t emptied they swell and can cause discomfort. So the “technique” is the dog’s way of trying to empty these swollen glands. Also it is sometimes taken as a sign that the dog has worms. Neither explanation has anything to do with homosexual activity.
What masochist owner doesn’t demand a vet immediately throw on a glove and help the dog out if it reaches this state? You nanny state liberals should not be allowed to have dogs or pets. At any rate, if a dog’s glands are that swollen it is like a man with hemorrhoids. It got there by allowing gay acts.
8) Dogs that have been neutered will occasionally do this. Perfectly normal behaviour if a dog squats. If you have a female dog, it is normal for the bit*h to squat.
If you have a male dog, it should urinate and defecate while standing up. There is no straight man who urinates or defecates while squatting, the same goes for animals.
9) Most dogs are terrified of bath time. They don’t like it at all. Dogs very often have bad experiences being bathed at an early age be it soapy water in the eyes and/or ears or just general roughness whilst being cleaned and left cold and wet after. A dog will quickly associate the bath with discomfort and therefore dislike baths. Also aren’t gay men stereotypically meant to be large fans of cleanliness and appearance whereas the straight male will take much less prode in his hygiene and appearance?
Dogs love water. Wolves, from where dogs take origin, are great in the water and many dogs can swim, naturally. It is innate to them. Your entire theory about bath time is another wall of denial you’re making for your little pooch.
10) Dogs have a phenomenal sense of smell, sometimes 500,000 times greater than that of a human. If a dog smells an attractive woman, he should naturally want to hump her leg. It should be routine to have to shoo him off your wife, unless she is a brute or maybe a secret man. Either way, you’re dealing with a bunch of gay.
11) Your dog eats a lot of berries or stuff that makes it poo smell of berries. Nothing more can be taken from that other than the fact you weirdly like to smell your dog’s farts. Also “typically leaving their bum region with a scented berry scent.” how would you know that unless you have discovered this through personal experience?
I special order my dog’s food and occassionally have my chef make him up a special dish to last throughout the week, so it his bowel habits are typically healthy, robust and frequent if he’s on a veggie week. Despite all that, his gas cuts through the air like a diamond through butter. The smell is sharp and distinct, gut-wrenching and powerful. There is no needing to waft; he rips them with the best of any man.
12) A female dog licks young to groom them. A young dog will lick as a signal of food. Dogs will also lick those that it submits to. It is the gesture opposite to the whole humping to show dominance thing. No lick is therefore forceful or aggressive. Also as for the smell the majority of dogs had bad breath.
I actually will agree with you on this one. The smell may be too faint for others to detect. Dog breath is generally bad.
13) =All animals find their scent important. No matter what sexual orientation an animal will dislike losing his scent. It helps them attract a mate. As for pampering your pet to the extent you’ve described? Isn’t that considered a stereotypically camp thing to do.
What is camp?
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7:54 pm
Wow, firstly the correct spelling is actually in front of you. It is JONNY not Johnny there’s no h there.
“A normal dog does not sniff the tail end of another dog. You can believe the claptrap about dog greetings if you will, but it is not necessary and indicates a perverse owner who would allow such things. Please, for the sake of humanity, do not have children.”
Obviously you’ve never seen a dog meet another dog if you don’t recognise this as normal behaviour. I hope you have not nor ever will have children. There are already too many bigots in the world, don’t need you raising more.
“I would hate to know what bath time looks like in your home, Johnny.”
It looks like a normal bath time. Dogs and other 4 legged animals clean themselves with their tongues because their is no other way.
“The years were fecal tendency is developed coincides with sexuality. If you do not understand that aspect of Freud’s studies, you need to go back to psych 101.”
The link you used in your own article doesn’t back up your point. What Freud states is that during the anal stage of your development a person experiences pleasure from the expulsion of waste that conflicts with the social and practical pressures to have control your bodily functions. The way you deal with conflict could have an effect on your personality not your sexuality. It could make a person passive-aggressive and overly organised and tidied or the opposite.
“First, you misspelled behavior. Secondly, ‘scatting’ is not acceptable, in any species. Just because there was a time when mankind use to squat while taking a doo, it does not mean it is normal or acceptable now.”
Firstly, I am British therefore I spell behaviour correctly with the u it is meant to have. Secondly it is a primal behaviour that is still present in many species. Easiest way to dispose of the faeces. Also mankind still squat whilst defecating. Only difference is there is a toilet there now.
“Try feeding your dog some asparagus or eggplant. Let’s see how crazy it goes. Maybe a habenero pepper, call ASPCA while you are at it.”
None of those vegetables are toxic to dogs. The worst is the pepper and that is only that the dog might dislike the taste as it may be too hot for them. As long as the vegetables aren’t the main part of a dog’s diet there is nothing wrong with feeding them to a dog, in fact it can be very healthy for a dog. The ASPCA or the RSPCA will tell you this if asked. Usually if it is a healthy meal for a person it is healthy for a dog.
“At this point, let’s go ahead and admit it. You are in denial. Your dog is gay and you may even question your own sexuality.”
I am not in denial about anything. If my dog was gay I wouldn’t care. I don’t question my sexuality. I don’t see the point. No one I know, friends and family, wouldn’t care either way.
“What masochist owner doesn’t demand a vet immediately throw on a glove and help the dog out if it reaches this state? You nanny state liberals should not be allowed to have dogs or pets. At any rate, if a dog’s glands are that swollen it is like a man with hemorrhoids. It got there by allowing gay acts.”
Never said the vet wouldn’t be my first point of call if my dog was distressed. If my dog was in any discomfort I would do all in my power to help him out. It has been said I look after my dog better than I do myself. Neither the swelling or haemorrhoids are due to gay acts.
“If you have a male dog, it should urinate and defecate while standing up. There is no straight man who urinates or defecates while squatting, the same goes for animals.”
All male creatures squat while defecating. If they stood and/or cocked their leg whilst defecating it will likely end up going down their legs.
“Dogs love water. Wolves, from where dogs take origin, are great in the water and many dogs can swim, naturally. It is innate to them. Your entire theory about bath time is another wall of denial you’re making for your little pooch.”
Did I say dogs dislike water? No I did not. I said they dislike baths. There is a big difference between them. A dog can love swimming and splashing about in puddles but hate baths. The two are not mutually exclusive. For example my dog loves the seas jumps at the chance in playing and swimming about in water but hates the bath.
“Dogs have a phenomenal sense of smell, sometimes 500,000 times greater than that of a human. If a dog smells an attractive woman, he should naturally want to hump her leg. It should be routine to have to shoo him off your wife, unless she is a brute or maybe a secret man. Either way, you’re dealing with a bunch of gay.”
A dog would not necessarily be attracted to the smell of a human. It is a difference species. What is attractive to a person will not be attractive to a dog. Not “dealing with a bunch of gay”.
“I special order my dog’s food and occassionally have my chef make him up a special dish to last throughout the week, so it his bowel habits are typically healthy, robust and frequent if he’s on a veggie week. Despite all that, his gas cuts through the air like a diamond through butter. The smell is sharp and distinct, gut-wrenching and powerful. There is no needing to waft; he rips them with the best of any man.”
I agree a dog’s fart is phenomenally bad and fills the entire room. The way you phrased it however made it seem as if you regularly sniffed your dog’s backside.
Camp is a word to describe an effeminate male or way of acting. Basically it is the stereotypical way a gay man acts. Not all camp people are gay though nor all gay people camp so the word is often used to distinguish between the way of acting and the sexual preference.
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11:39 am
freaking long article
about freaking gay dogs
and freaking even longer comments
about gay dogs
AND THIS IS ALL SERIOUS BUSSINESS
i just found the best site ever
and i don’t even know how did i get there
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6:45 pm
So basically, Daren Van Dips.hit thinks all dogs are gay and complains about his dog in particular.
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8:07 pm
First and formost, do not presume to know my thoughts. The science of this article is beyond refute. Some dogs are gay. It is just like you female liberals to herald the need for egalitarianism one moment, then in the next breath get offended when I inform you that your husband and his dog may have gave tendency.
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8:50 pm
“The science of this article is beyond refute” Except it isn’t really beyond refute is it? It is all complete nonsense and nothing in this article has any scientific facts to back it up.
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9:06 pm
It’s hilarious; people making serious comment about a joke article on a parody site.
Note to credulous christians …. the owners of this website are not christians, and they are laughing at you and ridiculing your beliefs ….. hello????
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8:57 pm
some dogs are gay how do i know dogs are gay when i find out my dog si humping a dog who is also male
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9:08 pm
Your dog might not be gay or even horny. Not all dog humping is a sexual nature. Sometimes it is just an act of dominance on a lesser pack member with no sexual intentions.
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2:11 am
All acts of humping are sexualized in nature. If you saw some guy humping your wife, I am sure you would buy his excuse of ‘Oh, I am just expressing dominance over a weaker individual.’
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3:06 am
Yes, obviously sometimes it is sexual but not always. When a dog (both male and female dogs do this by the way, even those that have been spayed and neutered do it) humps it can often be due to other reasons such as dominance or play (usually in the case of young pups).
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3:14 am
We aren’t talking about pups, curious about life and maybe taking a few quick pecks at each other in innocence. We are talking about full grown, male dogs, who men own. These dogs can choose to be gay or choose to be normal. If you have a dog with symptoms as I’ve described I am sorry, but your dog is making gay choices in life. Don’t cry about it, just take it.
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5:20 am
Just so you know, I was talking about all dogs in general, not my own dog. My dog has very few of these “symptoms”, in fact if the article had any facts to back it up, which it doesn’t by the way, the only things that would have indicated my dog might be gay are his dislike of baths (not water or swimming, just baths) and him being a Jack Russell, which seems a bit unfair if you ask me, automatically assuming he’s gay because he’s a smaller breed.
As for dogs “choosing” to be gay or straight (normal is a homophobic way of putting it) I’d imagine like homosexuality in humans it isn’t so much a choice as something they have no say in.
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10:36 am
Jack Russells are very homosexual-looking dogs, with their prissy little stiff waddle and all. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to learn that yours played for the other team, Jonny.
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11:36 am
My Jack Russell, who could very well be a cross or a rare variation due to its unusual colouring, doesn’t waddle it has a very coordinated walk that could almost be called a proud trot if anything. Too coordinated to be called a waddle
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12:05 pm
“a proud trot if anything”
Mmmm hmmm. Sounds fabulous!
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12:52 am
“First and formost, do not presume to know my thoughts.”
Well that’s impossible, you need a brain to have a thought in the first place.
“The science of this article is beyond refute.”
You can’t call whatever you want science and just let that be it.
“Some dogs are gay.”
Which is funny when people like you bring up how homosexuality isn’t natural. The sheer fact that you think typical dog behavior is what a ‘gay dog’ acts like shows how little you know about animals.
“It is just like you female liberals to herald the need for egalitarianism one moment, then in the next breath get offended when I inform you that your husband and his dog may have gave tendency.”
The fact that you consider calling someone a female liberal as an insult proves you really don’t care about the other side’s thoughts whatsoever (which is typical, considering you need to have a heart to care). You’re also still stating that typical dog behavior, particularly in your household, is supposedly how all gay dogs act. So how many dogs have you done research on to prove that what you said was true?
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2:26 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NKtuTS8eFA
still sure that dgos are the gay ones
oh and look at those snake whores
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2:37 pm
This is wrong. Most of these are normal dog behavior. And dogs like most animals don’t have a sexuality, and don’t know right from wrong. Also if your dog is dragging its anus on the ground, it’s not because of gay dog sex and having a “inflamed anus”, its because he/she has worms and you should take your pet to the veteranarian, not punish them.
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6:59 pm
lol
And Derek… next time when you photoshop yourself in a picture… make sure it looks better….
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8:06 pm
Wow, just wow. I can’t believe someone took so much time to write an article on something so pointless and trivial.
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