• Is My Husband Using Craigslist To Have Gay Sex?

    November 19, 2012 4:36 pm 9 comments

    By Mark E. Figs

    God has driven a holy spike into the heart of the gay homosexuality community. Known for being a depraved group of sex addicts, they were struck with the news that the “Hostess” who enable them to hook up with “Ho-Hos” and “Twinkies” was being shut down!

    Next on the Lord’s holy agenda is shutting down Craigslist entirely!

    Before I continue, you may be saying — “Brother Mark, I am a Bible-believing Christ-loving Christian. What do these slang terms mean to me or my community?” Well luckily for you, I am hip to be square, meaning that I know what these terms mean.

    “Hostess” refers to the gay homoman who encourages other gay homomen to come to his place, in order to have gaysex, which is of course, the nastiest, dirtiest, sex in the world and is not sponsored by any sort of Biblical doctrine.  An example of this would be “Come to my house, I am Hostess.”

    “Twinkies” are young, thin gay men with tightly toned bodies and impish features. They are boyish and are quite cute compared to the other legions of homosexual gays. They usually have alluring smiles that lull you into fantasizing about playing sports with them, or coaching them on proper wrestling techniques, until you realize that they are gay and you should never talk to them.

    Ho-Ho’s” refers to the promiscuous gayhomo men who have sex with reckless abandon. They are called “Ho-Ho’s”  which is short for “Whore-Whores.”

    Craigslist is the 21st century equivalent of Sodom & Gomorrah; a virtual meeting place for denizens of Sodomy to access sex hookups in cyberspace. It is named after founder, the eponymous  “Craig,” who started the “List” as a way to easily find find anuses in which to “dock” (insert) his penis in. Craig is based out of San Francisco, the gay and drag queen capital of the World.

    So how do gaymen use the “List?” They often go to the section entitled “Casual Encounters” to “Casually” meet or “Encounter” other men to place their penis inside. But short of checking your husbands web-browser and cyber-history, how can you know if he is using Craigslist? Luckily for you, I am an amateur sociologist and licensed Sex Therapist and I have done some investigation into the world of anonymous gay sex.

    1. Your husband has a marked interest in “Casual” things.

    (A former “straight” dad and husband reduced to being a gay after harnessing Craigslist’s homo powers.)

    Has your husband always been a no-frills, straight shooting man with an interest in hard work and manly activities such as hunting, beer drinking and bible reading, but as of late begun to dabble in “casual” wear or “casual” leisure activities such as beach yoga crossword puzzles or writing poetry? Then is he undoubtedly using Craigslist to wage war on God’s heterosexual plan and way of life, in addition to destroying your beautiful marriage. He trolls the “List” late at night, trying to find a man or group of men (M4M) to have filthy animalistic sex with.

    2. He increases his Internet usage

    Another red-flag indication that your husband is using Craigslist to have gay sex is characterized by a 45% increase in Internet usage and activities. He may lie and say that he is simply enjoying a game of Backgammon or Spider Solitaire, but in reality he is embroiled in a web of inequity and passionate man-pounding, the likes of which can only be achieved by using Craigslist’s virtual waiting room of sex encounters. Monitor your husband’s usage and frequently check his Web history to assuage all fears of infidelity  WARNING: the truth may surprise you.

    3. He forwards humorous chain e-mails. 

    Has your husband began to send you more and more humorous e-mails that have been forwarded multiple times? This is a indicator that he is having an extramarital affair with gay men. Gaymen are known to be 87% more “catty” than normal men, and as such they enjoy participating in such queer activities as “Forwarding” emails. Using the “Craigslist” increases their cyber skills and makes them more adept at handling homosexual technology in order to fulfill their unnatural gaysex lust. By engaging in “witty” forwarding groups they have secretly broadcast their intentions to have men inside of them. It’s common code in the homosexual community to “forward” as many chain e-mails as possible; this illustrates their desire  to have as many partners as possible. Backtrace the people whom also received the e-mails and you may uncover a web of lies!

    4. He wants to look at cars.

    A common interest among most men who “cruise” Craigslist is appearing “normal.” As homosexuality is a disease which God hates, it often makes homosexual men undesirable and unable to maintain a normal lifestyle full of red meat, Bible-reading and hunting. Thus they have to go to painstaking lengths to mask their crippling mental disability and this often manifests itself in an avid interest in cars. Going to car shows, reading car magazines, watching NASCAR races — this is last-gasp desperate attempt of a man who is into Gay sex.  Cars are only designed for driving. They are used to go to church and transport your family to and fro places. It is not normal for a man to be obsessive with cars or “tailpipes.” A common place for men to meet gay sex partners off of “Craigslist” is at “Cruise Shows” a cleverly-named fest of classic cars and caustic gay sex. Here they marvel over one another’s automobiles of choice before wandering off to give each other a “tune-up” — slang referencing hardcore bareback (no condom) anal sex!

    5. They want to go to the bar.

    If a gayhomo man wants to have sex with another man, he needs a diversion. He needs a way to escape from his family and meet other men. Often times they realize they cannot say “I’m going to the market”; and saying “I’m going to Bible College” only works sometimes. Thus they resort to cloaking their activities by saying other things such as “I want to go to the bar and grab a few Buds.” The wife, the mild-mannered yet unintelligent female is tricked into thinking he is going to grab some Budweiser beers, but in reality he is going to grab some buttsex with “buds” or a bevy of gay men. A wife never suspects a thing, until her husband comes home, clutching his rear, the victim of a prolapsed anus. A sudden interest in going to the tavern can only mean that your husband is getting gang-raped by men he meets on “Craigslist.”

    Other reasons to fear for your husband include fervent watching of sports, going to the gym, bookmarking “Bodybuilding.com” and Collecting memorabilia.

     

    With these tips, I have given you several fool-proof measures to gauge your husband’s suspected homosexual inclinations. I hope that you apply these tips and I wish you a happy marriage. Hopefully you have remained in God’s will and he has blessed you with a remarkable, straight husband.

    God bless.

    Mark E. Figs is an award winning sonar technician and amateur gynecologist. He lives in Chicago with his collection of thimbles.

     

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    About The Author
    Mark E. Figs Mark is an award-winning children's author, and Christian Conspiracy Theorist can be found on Facebook and Twitter -- (Mark E. Figs)

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