By Mark E. Figs
Everyone knows that Twitter is a cyberspace hangout for steampunks, web-rebels and porno freaks, all of whom hangout in chat forums and sin against the Bible by tweeting on Sunday. With all of the depraved sinners (Garfield, Skrillex, Doug The Bounty Hunter) on Twitter , you might think it’d be impossible to narrow the title of “Most evil and repugnant icon of sin” to just ONE user, but ladies and gentleman I have used Jesus’ power of prayer to find him – Weedhitler.
Think about that — Weed.
If you’re unaware with him, go to his Twitting account right now.
The most addictive drug under the sun and the most misunderstood and hateful dictator in history? (For the record, I do not sympathize with Nazism. I think Hitler was an awful man, BUT I will say this – Jews killed Jesus. Make of that what you will)
When I told my congregation that a WeedHitler existed, they began to weep in pain. Women fainted in the pew, grown men struggled to hold back tears and several children began vomiting. My church is a group of believers and to know of someone who is so blatantly happy to express such carnal excess made them sick. They follow the Lord’s commandments, as does every good Conservative. So for them to find out about WeedHitler only days after losing the fate of America to a Kenyan Socialist Homosexual Lover… it was gut-wrenching.
So what should Bible believers do? For one, they shouldn’t even have a Twitter account. But if they choose to sin against God and pursue this secular social media device, then they should only follow Jesus, Joel Osteen, Billy Graham and the Newsboys – NOT WEEDHITLER. Would you let your children ride around in a pickup truck with a known pedophile or Obama voter? If you subscribe to Weedhitler’s feed than you will lose Christ’s grace by reading immoral subject matter pertaining to drugs and conspiracy theories.
Lets take a look at some of his “tweets.” WARNING: Some of these may shock you and shake you to your moral core. It’s recommended that you say a prayer to cleanse yourself before continuing.
when i was child i wanted to be dinosaur and astronaut. now i want to be drunkand dead
— LeVar Burzum (@weedhitler) January 11, 2012
#LastLinesFromGreatBooks “OK but really the biggest lesson here is the pages in this book are fuckin great rolling papers” -God (THe Bible)
— LeVar Burzum (@weedhitler) November 12, 2012
SON we need to talk. I got a call b/c your science report was 15min of seinfeld bass over 9/11 clips? That is Bad Ass. here’s some everclear
— LeVar Burzum (@weedhitler) April 13, 2012
*hugs girlfriend, gets on 1 knee* honey, would you *points up, fireworks spell out “LIKE A FREE IPAD?” she looks down& i’m holding a survey*
— LeVar Burzum (@weedhitler) February 18, 2012
I feel sick. In over 60 years of Bible-believing Christ love I have never seen anything this depraved. This is pornography. Talking about rolling marijuana joints like African-Americans to smoke marijuana from BIBLE PAGES?! Celebrating the deaths of thousands of Americans by glorifying the Muslims and TV M rated series Seinfelt? Mocking marriage as the Gays do? Promoting China-made iPad products?
This poisons our children. This man has a platform to promote his Jihadist, anti-American propaganda and yet millions of teens and young adults lap it up. And that’s not even the most shocking part. His adoring group of fans is known as a “Weird Twitter” a gang of cyberpunks who’s nefarious obsessions with urine were outed by world-renowned author and philosopher, Sebastian Benthall.
The truth is, WEEDHITLER is representative of every problem facing our country; the same problem that made our country lose the election. He curses, indulges in non-Christian music and media, and abuses marijuana cigarettes. He is the liberal media, the proponents of homosexuality in Twitter form – and he wants YOUR children! He is the poster boy for the generation of young Americans that grew up watching porn about the Simpsons instead of reading about Sampson and worse yet – he has a deranged cult of Tweeters that follow him, with names like BonerDad and Fart and SexCarl. Sickening.
Do you want your children to use internet technology to “follow” WeedHitler? No. You bought your computer for Bible.org and to download fancy new Christian clip-art to incorporate onto their homework assignments. Your Netscape browser will crash under the requirements to view WeedHitler’s feed. Requirements that include disobeying your parents, premarital sex and drinking alcohol. Where are the tweets about VeggieTales? (hint: there aren’t any!)
We’ve formed a prayer group for him at the office. We encourage any with a twitter to NOT follow him and instead join us in a prayer to free WeedHitler from Satan’s clutches. Maybe he can change his name to JesusMan or BibleDude or ChristHugs.
We can only hope.
Mark E. Figs is an Emmy award winning writer and avid taxidermist. His episode of BibleMan, “BibleMan Smells A Rape” won the 1998 Emmy For Best Drama Episode. He lives in Chicago and enjoys writing VeggieTales fan fiction.