• Face It, Your Cat Is a Freeloader

    December 7, 2012 12:23 pm 89 comments

    Every day, millions of people allow themselves to be ruled by a demonic animal that fancies itself a Egyptian pharoah godking.  Cats are amongst the most arrogant of creatures, coyly strutting about and grooming themselves for hours on end, with no trace of loyalty or grace in their hearts.  As fast as a cat will cutely demand food of you by pawing at a cabinet or pretend to give you a back massage as you are laid out, it will bite you hard enough to draw blood and be infected with all sorts of deadly pathogens.

    Intrinsic to a cat’s ability to quickly endear a human family with warm, purring  hugs, ninja ‘nose kisses’, and aforementioned paw massages, is something more sinister that only the parents of a mooching, 19-year-old weed addicted child would experience:  cats are the ultimate freeloader.

    When you think about it, cats have all the qualities of a marijuana-addicted weed junky:  constantly shedding hair, sleeps for hours on end and always demanding a meal or snack.  If these qualities are not bad enough, cats are prone to become ‘in heat’ and viciously urinate all over your home, like expected of a drunken 3rd Street hobo who accidentally staggered into one of your parties and chugged of the keg.  The aftermath of yellow-stained musk and sanitary concerns would concern the slothiest of minds, but for some reason, cat owners will endlessly google articles on ‘E-how to clean cat urine stains’ instead of showing the freeloading miscreants the door by the way of a swift boot.

    But why?  After 6,000 years of evolution, humans have progressed to be tidy, clean and knowledgeable about germs.  Why would we let a freeloading, unappreciative germ-monger desecrate our abode with unflushed wastes and urine specimen on our most precious quilts and office chairs?

    To understand this, we must first understand the psychology and brain of a cat.  Cats are the ultimate manimpulator, with IQs on par with bottlenose dolphins.  A cat can be as resourceful and convincing as a crack addict begging a church pastor for $50 to buy his kids some groceries.  A cat will do whatever it takes to break down its owners and employ itself with a houseful of human servants.

    Cats are Sassy, Condenscending in a Machiavellian play on power dynamics

    Cats remain aloof and only give out love, affection and attention on their own terms.  This puts cat owners in an awkward place, where they constantly seek the affection of the four-legged hellspawns and cringe, not knowing if their simply pet on the cat’s back will result in an upward arch of approval or a vicious mauling with claws and teeth.

    Any cat owner knows that felines, as a habit, are habitually fickle and bipolar.  This quality of cats may seem intrinsic at first, but it is actually a feature of a cat’s complex ability to manipulate humans.  Cats understand a principle exorted by Machiavelli in The Prince.  Cats rule the home by the use of passive-aggression.  Cat owners realize that their pet has cute habits and as a result of human instinct, seek to pet the cat and receive warm responses in return.

    The cat, being a master predator and manipulator, uses this human quality to its advantage.  Sometimes a cat will savage your hand for petting it four times, instead of three.  At times, a cat may decide to make a ‘protest poop’ in front of company at home, even though it is properly litter trained.  It does this so its human servants will never feel comfortable inviting human companions over for comfort, and always fear seeking its affections.

    In time, this forces cat owners to become isolated and emotionally dependent on  interaction with the cat.  And with this power, the cat becomes god of the home.

    Fancying herself the Queen of Sheiba, this cat has succombed to heat and become fat with wanton lust and pregnancy.  In several months, this slutty little freedloader will burden the owner with 5 more mewing mouths to feed and a bloodline of future miscreants who will contaiminate the house and defy the human owners to protest.

    What cats cannot acheive by manipulation, they will take by force.  Every cat owner has realized that within 2 months, cats claim ownership of the computer keyboard, any bed and favorite chair.  Cats will musk these items up with fur and littered feet, just to add the right amount of grimeyness so it becomes more undesirable to the owner.

    Cats will also force pregnancy on you.  Female cats are worse than male cats, because they give birth to endless litters of kittens and like a woman on Obamacare, expects everyone else to take up the slack.  Once kittens are born, humans are naturally turned to affection with the cute little mews and begging they do for food.  But in only a matter of months, all the kittens will go from ridiculously cute to coy pharoahs of subjugation.

    Cats Are Typically Drug-Addicted Maniacs, Secretly

    Eyes glossed after taking a heavy toke of catnip and spent coffee grinders, in several seconds this cat will go from a catatonic mess to sprinting about at Olympian speeds, scratching furniture and the dog’s ears as it comes down from its self-induced chemical high.

    What most cat-owners fail to realize is that cats are the ultimate drug addict.  What makes cats so dangerous is that they usually take their drugs in secret, and via pheremones, coerce their owners to become drug seekers too.

    It is no coincidence that most people who own cats also smoke marijuana.  I wish I could do a survey, because in a lifetime I’d estimate that 90% of my friends and colleagues who own cats are also heavy marijuana addicts.  Cats like a home where people do drugs, because their sloven behavior and habits tend to be a better fit and are less protested.  Charles Darwin called this relationship ‘symbiotic evolution’.

    Cats will find all sorts of things to get high on:  fireplace ash, toilet water, catnip, old coffee, their own urine and dinner plate residue.  What may seem the most basic piece of waste to us is the most exotic drug for cats.  Have you ever noticed your cat sleeping, then suddenly awaking to viciously lick herself clean, making awkward expressions in the process?

    If that’s not bad enough, cats are no strangers to licking their own genitalia, then coming up to give the nearest human a big lick right on the face and nose.  This is the ultimate expression of a drug addict who is exerting dominance over his or her abode.

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    About The Author
    Adam Nelson

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