God Kills Giant Whale in Malibu, Blows Stench Over Town to Punish Celebrities for Crappy Hollywood Movies
God is finally weighing in on the issue of Hollywood making horrible, thoughtless movies as of late. Only hours after the Red Dawn remake was released in theaters, unbeknowst to Hollywood producers, God was not impressed with the ridiculous idea of North Koreans terrorizing an American town with their non-existant armies of destruction.
Seriously, how does North Korea go from being the punch-line of a South Park episode, to being a terrifying menace on par with 1980s-era Soviet Russia?
Perhaps it was the amazingly young receding hairline of Connor Cruise or the hokey general who could not catch those danged Wolverine high schoolers, but something has frustrated the good people of Rotten Tomatoes to bestow a 11% (out of 100%) on this movie. Superman IV, the worst movie of all time, has a 10% to help provide perspective.
Jeff Sorenson, writer for the Walking Dead and Huffpost Contributor, analyzes the recent trend of Hollywood producing utter filth for entertainment and expecting the public to readily lap it up like a hungry dog happening upon kitty’s backside treats in the litter box. There is nothing good or right about the recent onslaught of boring, trite overly 3-d Hollywood nonsense being thrown at the good people of America, and God’s action is more than appropriate.
Malibu, nestled in the foothills of the Santa Monica mountains and rolling off into the seemingingly eternal Pacific Ocean is a town that harbors people who are strangers to hardship. The college students of Pepperdine all have washboard abs, brilliant minds and are 100% morally chaste, their gleaming bodies being reserved for marriage and never indulged in partying on the campus. The citizens of Malibu do not have to worry about fraternity bros streaking or tping their homes, not even bugging the good workers who bus in at Ralphs for underaged alcohol.
The weather is always perfect, the mountains blocking the smog and heat from L.A. central while offering a fresh floral scent of lilacs and imported citrus fruits to the noses of Barbara Streissand, David Foster, Brad Pitt, Pam Anderson, Jennifer Anniston, Aaron Spelling, Sam Raimi, JJ Abrams and more. Yet, with all this perfect town has to offer, the Hollywood elite who have made Malibu into their town have failed to keep their covenant with America: they get paid millions, we eat buttery popcorn and live out our fantasy lives vicariously through great movies.
Perhaps that tipping point for God’s decision to cast this giant 40,000 foot Jonah-esque whale to fester upon Malibu’s beaches was the horrible thought of another play-it-safe Adam Sandler Christmas movie. Yes, Adam Sandler is a great person and wonderful to shoot hoops with on a lazy Sunday, but his movies as of late lack bite and substance. It is like his buddy Will Ferrell relentlessly squeezing into odd-fitting clothing to act out a character’s antics in a movie about: awkward guy does a random sport (rollerblading, dodge ball, NASCAR, basketball), awkward guy goes retro and doesn’t act his age (Old School, Anchorman). Okay, Anchorman may have made God a bit less upset and angry, but let’s see what happens once Anchorman 2 rehashes the same plot and jokes. It’s like the classic SNL skit gone on too long, but on the wrong coast.
Malibu celebrities, producers and musicians, directors too, let this be a lesson. God has thousands if not millions of whales he can throw onto your beaches. It was only a whale this time, maybe next time it will be a giant squid or an equivalent haul that outweighs the cast of Honey Boo. Let’s make better music, movies and television, because remember, we are ultimately the Sims entertainment for God. And for anyone who’s played Will Wright’s classic, you know if you disappoint the wrath of the Creator can be cruel and swift. Be warned, Malibu celebrities. Be warned.