• It’s the Apocalypse – What Will I Wear?

    December 11, 2012 11:43 pm 156 comments

    Are you ready to rumble?

    The biggest event of 2012 is right around the corner ; Armageddon is December 21st and  everyone’s going! But the question on most lips is what to wear. How you look is going to matter A LOT , but dressing for functionality and comfort will never be so important. As most God-fearing Christians know  Planet Earth will succumb to a fiery abysmal inferno on the last day of the Mayan Calender 12/21/2012. It’s sneaking up fast. Quite coincidentally, there are other cosmic forces to be considered most notably the winter solstice and the sun’s alignment  with an quirky and unpredictable black hole in the galaxy. Earth could go all topsy- turvy even before you solidify your final plans. Final being the operative word here, so listen up. As we all prepare for atomic incineration we need to consider the likely elements that will destroy us first. The really layered look will need to enter your  fashion vocabulary. Plan wisely. It could go from scorching hot to sub zero in a matter of mili seconds.

    There are a number of dire predictions , including the Mayan “Long Count” , The Tribulation, Rapture, and End of Days. Will you want to stick around for the fireworks? With the right funds you can board a shuttle and leave the flaming wreckage of Earth behind.  Don’t expect sympathy from me. God has a way of weeding out the weasels. Your departure will also weigh heavily as you finalize  for the festivities. For the pussies who have the funds to leave Earth , Escapism is the route to go. Style is still maintained with Ga Ga-like  inspirations , but comfort and safety can be taken into consideration. Remember it’s not Escapism unless it is truly “out of this world” ; an important distinction.

    A perfect look for spoiled rotten pussies

    For those of us staying behind, and awaiting  Rapture, now is the time to listen to God’s Word,  quit your day job,and start working full time for Christ. Unfortunately, you’re  going to  experience discomfort before it’s all over, that’s the harsh reality. And  with practicality and safety winning out over style, functionality is the theme with just a splash of retro Mad Max.  Count on   survivalism to be the trending fashion for the End of Days. Here’s a handy list designed for those with style and survival  in mind .

    1.Head Gear: I prefer to wear a classic  sloping derby, but again, not  practical. A helmet is necessary protection from  volcanic debris, projectiles and other falling space junk. A gas mask is also necessary, and one can combine the two in a fashion statement that speaks “I am  fearless, prepared  and  strange”. Check gas masks for NBC standards: Nuclear Biological  and Chemical agents. Important!

    2. Eye protection. Score points with  Hell Storm SpecOp goggles for $69.99 at AGM. These specs have a sleek yet mysterious appeal, and yet tells the rest of the soon to be extinct  population that your sense of down to the wire style is beyond measure. Think of how this will make you look when the Lord is picking  winners. You’ll be first in line!

    3. Bug out bags. No wardrobe is complete without one. Radiates an allure of preparedness that will even impress members of your desired sexual orientation. Not that there’s any time for last minute quickies. But at least you’ll have the opportunity to go out thinking, “Yeah, I still got it ,” However delusional that may be. BOBs should have batteries, matches, rope , hand warmers, Iodine tablets , zip lock bags and mace. You’ll understand why later, don’t ask, just obey.

    4. Flame retardant jackets, trousers and outerwear. Check for “No melt, no drip” fabrics that resist fusion to the skin. These fabrics tend to be more expensive than other FR fabrics, but now’s not the time to skimp. Imagine how much it would SUCK to be peeling away layers of scorched flesh from your body just  because you settled for something cheap. Splurge. DriFire features fabrics with antimicrobial protection; so even under the greatest levels of panic and duress, you’re  fresh as a spring daisy. Worth the extra buck.

    This bold look sported by Max Nuclear says “I am unique and  I am prepared for atomic fallout”.

    5.Footwear: Don’t settle for less, the right footwear might not be  attractive but remember, you may need to escape a collapsing structure with sharp glass or burning embers all around you. You want a shoe that PERFORMS. What if you had to quickly exit an area that became contaminated with boiling hot radioactive waste and your boots melted? Talk about DISAPPOINTMENT. Try the Modern Survivalist for best tips on sturdy FR footwear.

    6.Accessories: accentuate your look with a colorful scarf or  sport an edgy  Islamic look with a colorful turban hijab. Nothing says “I don’t give a shit ” more than Islamic adornments hanging in crispy remnants.

    With Christmas and New Years most likely “postponed” for good, it’s not too late to return holiday presents and stock up on other essentials like MREs. Still available at your local Army Supply store, but hurry. These packaged treats are flying off the shelves like hot-hot-hot cakes.

    Meals Ready to Eat, mm mm Bacon and Eggs just like Atomic Nana used to make.

    There’s less than two weeks to get your lazy behind in full commando and bring together the essentials of survival while expressing your radiant and colorful personality.  You’ll  want to look awesome, but dress for survival success too. Think of the EMBARRASSMENT you’d feel if you were tagged in in a photo with your face  bubbling like a vat of boiling cheese.  No thanks.

    Good luck with your purchases Brothers and Sisters, and please, do share your shopping and survivalist tips. I found most of my immediate essentials at my Army Surplus store including fashionable furs, ammo and trendy dog tags.  The end may be a precarious ride to God’s cosmic Fallout Shelter, but we can at least count on chaos and mayhem. Pretty soon it’s  Home sweet annihilation! Hope to see you on the other side! God Bless!

    I found most of my fashion and function at an “undisclosed” Army surplus in NH.

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    About The Author
    Eunice Political agitator at Americans for Inequality, campaigned strongly against Vermin Supreme until I cured him of demonic possession. Now we are BFFs. I enjoy the Facebook, crochet and mixing martinis, especially dirty ones. I'm a lonely widow only seeking to meet new friends as my life is an absurd island of loneliness. I believe in faith and wisdom. Hard work is a staple to a happy, productive living. I swim and do the yogas but for the most part shopping and relaxing at spas keeps me very busy and useful. I'm proud to be a well off American. Scrabble anyone? I'll kick your ass.

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