• Who is Earl Sweatpants?: A Primer For Christian Parents

    December 11, 2012 9:00 pm 8 comments
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    By Mark E. Figs 

    (Earl Sweatpants on the left, upset that he has to be the “bottom” or receiver of penis, for Tyler the Creator, AGAIN)


    I really wish I didn’t have to do this. I really wish I didn’t have to write ANOTHER article exposing the recklessness of young Negros. About their immoral decisions. About their penchant to abuse welfare and God’s design for sexual intercourse. About their willingness to openly talk about drugs and drunkenness. But recent events have me spooked. The events in question — confiscating 4(!!) CD’s of secular rap kingpin Earl Sweatpants from the rapping group, “Odd Future Gang, Wolf’s Kill Them All” or OFWGKTA.

    Four CD’s. Four beautiful young Christian boys in my daycare smuggled into the ungodly filth smut peddled by Satanic bisexual Tyler, The Creator (blasphemy, God’s sad, he’s evil etc) and his merry gang of bisexual skateboard twerps. These group of sodomizers make frequent references to hating God in their raps. They promote Devilish imagery with there elementary knowledge of Photoshop. They use “personal photographers” to document their every move and paste it on Tumblr — a safe harbor for rudimentary teen angst and immoral behavior.

    There’s no doubt you should keep your child away from Tyler, the Creator lest you want your child to grow into an immature, obnoxious sinner with a limited skill-set and unquenchable thirst for “random edginess”; an attribute often misattributed as “hilarious.” BUT what about his love-partner, and object of affection, Earl Sweatpants?

    What’s Earl Sweatpants’ deal? I’ll tell you his deal, in shocking and graphic detail.

    1. Earl Sweatpants is an immigrant —

    Earl Sweatpants immigrated here from Africa at a very young age. Despite this, he still retains his Bushland features, and often times brags about this in his raps (Big lipped Bast**d) He is full of hatred, for America and Christ. His Negro heart pumps foul with the blood of Satan himself, as he carries all the traits of Ham. His Negro heart is full of the same hatred that currently runs through Barack Obama, and it is no surprise that Earl identifies as a Obama supporter. They share the same Negro hatred for all things Christ.

    2. Earl Sweatpants is a Homo —

    Earl Sweatpants is Tyler the Creator’s unofficial boyfriend. They often brag about the illicit and immoral sex they have with one another on their tour bus. They encourage all of their young “Swag”  (Which stands for “Sucking Weiners All Gay”) fans to make out with one another and do gross Satan sex stuff in their parents homes. During Earl Sweatpant’s imprisonment (see point 3) Tyler often longed for Earl’s “sweet, passionate touch” and would take to Twitter to boast about how “Earl Sweatpants” would “bottom him” once he got home from prison.

    3. Earl Sweatpants is a convicted felon.

    Earl Sweatpants was sent to prison in New Zealend by his amazing mother for his vulgar actions. Earl’s mom wanted him to stop embracing a lifestyle of “buttsex” and “rapping” and get a better chance at life. Earl Sweatpants went away for a whole year, much to the chagrin of his worthless, pot-smoking, skateboarding, uber-talented friends.  While Odd Future group strengthened their grasp at achieving SIXTEEN minutes of fame, Earl Sweatpants languished in Samoa, being roughhoused by muscular, beefy Samoan men. Tyler the Creator often took to Twitter to decry this separation. boasting about Earl Sweatpant’s imminent takeover of the rap game once he was released.

    4. Earl Sweatpants is an atheist —

    Earl Sweatpants hates God. Earl Sweatpants wants to lead your children down a path of rape, torture and Satanism. He boasts about his Satanism and lack of respect for adults, God, society etc. This is troublesome because it resonates VERY well with misguided, angsty teenagers who have nothing better to do than swallow his load of rebelliousness and accept it as some passionate, declarative truth. Instead of worshiping Christ, these “Swag” teens blindly follow a group of skateboarders who struck mainstream gold by appealing to a wide enough majority of pathetically sad individuals.

    5. Earl is Earl Sweatpants

    Everything about him is evil. His demeanor, his relationships, his raps. Earl Sweatpants is BAD NEWS and will make your child revolt from Biblical teachings and do curse words online. They will lose their sense of modest, humble dress attire and begin to adorn themselves with crappily designed, over priced t-shirts by “Diamond Co” or “The Hundreds.”  They will abandon dreams of occupying the pulpit and the pew and instead focus on skateboarding and referring to their group of untalented, underachieving friends as a “collective.”  They will live each day, not trying to memorize scripture, but memorizing lyrics featuring monosyllabic rhymes and crappy, re-hashed “shocking” subject matter.

    Worst of all, they will put “OFWGKTA” in their internet names, as if it doesn’t make them look like dull conformists, unaware of the nature of fads, and the ridiculousness of their suburban identity trying so desperately to appear urban.

    Don’t let your child listen to Earl Sweatpants. He is sinful in nature and can only lead your child down a path of wickedness, deceit and hatred.

    Figs out.

    Mark E. Figs is an accomplished singer, songwriter and screenwriter for CountryMusicTelevision. He was recently named Newsweek’s “Top Twitter User to Watch.” He collects Native American thongs and lives in Chicago with his pet dog, Jesus.

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    About The Author
    Mark E. Figs Mark is an award-winning children's author, and Christian Conspiracy Theorist can be found on Facebook and Twitter -- (Mark E. Figs)

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