By Mark E. Figs
Jose Canseco: MVP of the GayHomosexual Sex League
Rippling muscles under tight fabric, the flexing of oily skin conjuring images of a large anaconda thrashing about wildly, a tan hue over the perfectly constructed body mass — I’m not describing hardcore gay “felching”, rather the poetic motion of a Jose Canseco home run swing.
In my younger years, while doing some work in San Francisco as part of a anti-gay pro- AIDS awareness coalition, I had the pleasure of watching the “Bash Brothers.” Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire would smack balls harder than any men I’d ever seen; using their large sticks to serve up embarrassing facials to opposing pitchers, it was almost violent in nature to watch the balls they’d smash fly into the stands.
Years later, Canseco wrote a book called “Juiced*”, which was a tell-all expose of baseball’s cheaters, liars and malcontents. Canseco had pulled the rug out from under his former teammates and brothers-in-arms, and these men were angry beyond belief. Canseco became blacklisted, and accusations flew from every corner about how Canseco was a liar, a cheat, and wife beater.
(*Juiced is also a gay homosexual euphemism for doing “anal sex” on “poppers.”)
I believed in Jose Canseco. I trusted him. I gave him my heart and soul for his courage and bravery in dealing with the ever-powerful group of Major League Baseball players that felt they could screw the American public out of integrity and honor.
But as the digital age dawned on us and Canseco became a pariah among baseball’s steroid-riddled lot, certain things surfaced that made me second guess my decision to name Canseco the godfather of my child via an elaborate ceremony which he was unaware of — and that was the invention of Canseco’s Twitter account. Suddenly, it all became clear, in a shockingly disgusting way.
What became clear? Jose Canseco’s blatant and thriving homosexuality, his preference for the homosexual lifestyle, and his lavish praise of being a homosexual. Bluntly put, Jose Canseco loved having sex with men, and this was proven true through his tweets.
What evidence can we provide? It’s in his rambling speech and the incoherent language present in his tweets, which, according to the Bible is his brain rejecting homosexuality and slowly rotting away, struggling to power this muscular homo –
hole families used to sleep in one big bed and produce no waste how did we go from their to killing polar bears in 100 years
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 28, 2012
Wow. What kind of depraved, incestuous father would allow his muscular, beautiful sons to sleep with their genitals next to one another? Or even perhaps near their sister’s birthing canals? Children are not to sleep all together. A father can sleep with his young sons so they can understand what it is like to be a man, or to answer any questions they may have involving their penises, but ALL the children in bed? Immoral. This sort of twisted logic can only exist in the world of gay homosexuals, a world which Jose Canseco is a proud citizen.
Moving on from Jose Canseco’s obsession with sleeping in a bed full of children and admission to being a full-fledged member of NAMBLA, we find other disgusting tweets. Tweets that include, among other things, a willingness to drink the vomit of a dog, a practice known as Watersport Snowballing –
Would you swallow your dogs throw up to save your best friend from dieing
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) April 26, 2012
Jose Canseco is a hardcore gay homosexual. Recently, he released his New Year’s resolutions for 2013. They include such grotesque proclamations as “helping people getting screwed (screwed meaning, having sex against their will)” and launching an anti-aging drink called “Ponce Da Canseco” which is made from his own S-E-E-D. Canseco seems to delight in making men swallow his load of rhetoric and insane predictions. No one is going to spend $50 to swallow Canseco juice.
5.develop and launch Ponce de CAnseco a real anti aging drink
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) January 2, 2013
Perhaps the most telling of his resolutions is his willingness and enthusiasm to “fight Shaq in an MMA cage match.
5.Fight Shaq in MMA cage match
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) January 2, 2013
MMA as you know, is a gay homosexual ballet of wanton violence, that features two shirtless men grappling one another and doing all sorts of damage to the testicles, buttocks and penis of one another. They use their mouths and hands to gouge, grope and destroy one another’s anus and perineum. So Jose Canseco wants to frolic around in an interracial gaysex fest with a large man named “Shaq.”
(Shaq is an African-American slang word for the scrotum, e.g. “My ball Shaq hurts.”)
Jose Canseco, I used to respect you. I used to stay up late to watch your ballgames, to marvel at your muscular body and watch you swing your wood around, destroying balls and rounding the bases. I used to respect you for having the courage to out the drug users in baseball. Now, I’m just waiting for you to out yourself as a gay homosexual. Because you are a gay homosexual. I know you are. The evidence is there.
It’s a shame that such a good player can be so gay and sinful towards God. Here’s hoping he wakes up and realizes that the only way to achieve any of his resolutions is to be steadfast in prayer and not thinking about snowballing a dog or giving a load of Canseco juice to other men.
Mark E. Figs is a community activist and undercover homosexual investigator. His recent piece for The Classical, “FAGS: Fighting Against God’s Salvation” garnered numerous awards and a development deal from HBO. His comedic series “Boys” is currently in production.