• Is God the Original Prankster?

    February 26, 2013 6:17 am 91 comments
    Ursus_arctos_syriacus

    Bad news bear: A Syrian bear of the kind that God sent to massacre Jewish children for insulting his baldy prophet Elisha.

    THE year is circa 560 to 540BC. The book is 2 Kings. The weather is apocryphal. Elisha, the hard-working prophet of the Christian god, is shuffling up the long and dusty road to the ancient near-eastern town of Bethel.

    Then, seemingly out of nowhere, comes a gaggle of hard, rough, flinty-eyed Jewish children. Small they are, swarthy of countenance, aquiline of nose and cruel of intent. Upon espying the hairless pate of the tireless man of God they snicker, nudge each other and begin chanting:

    “Go up, thou bald head! Go up, thou bald head!”

    It is a heartless taunt, for truly Elisha, this devoted servant of HaShem, is bald of bonce and nude of nut. He possesses nary a hair to embarrass his exposed scalp.

    And still the mockery comes:

    “Go up, thou bald head! Go up, thou bald head!”

    Now, as all good Christians know, El (aka Yahweh, aka Jehovah, aka Allah) is a kind, compassionate, forgiving god who has permanent copyright on the term “omnibenevolent”. But will he simply stand by and allow his chosen mouthpiece to be insulted by this rag-tag rabble of snotty-nosed Hebrew brats? These kids that the sacred King James Version of the Bible calls “little children”?

    Nuh-uh!

    Watch what happens when Elisha spits the dummy and curses thosee “little children” in the name of the LORD in 2 Kings 2:24:

    “And there came forth two she-bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.”

    Pow! The joke is now on those stupid kids! In a divinely inspired stunt worthy of the third-millennium MTV comedy series Pranked, El (aka Yahweh, aka Jehovah, etc) arranged for two female bears, probably of the species Ursus arctos syriacus, to tear open no fewer than 42 children from arsehole to breakfast.

    The wailing and gnashing of teeth of their bereaved parents must surely have been drowned out by the laughter of onlookers who suddenly, happily, had to acknowledge that El (aka Yahweh) truly was the Cosmic Comedian, the Original Prankster.

    This hilariously justified massacre of small Jewish children is just one of many biblical examples of El (aka Jehovah) showing his humorous side, much to the sorrow of his deserving victims.

    Take the story of Jepthah’s daughter in Judges 11-30:39, in which El (aka Allah) tricks his own holy warrior, Jepthah, into burning his daughter as a human sacrifice!

    Jepthah never saw that coming, but we all did. After all, when you inexplicably vow unto the LORD that “whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the Lord’s, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering”, you can bet your bottom shekel that what comes bounding out your door won’t be Mr Nibbles the faithful corgi! After all, isn’t god the Original Prankster?

    Funnily enough, the most priceless example of divine comedy in the Christian bible comes not from the slaughter of children but from the affliction of — you know it! — haemorrhoids.

    All members of the Christwire fellowship have split their sides many a time at the hilarious goings-on in 1 Samuel, in which the Philistines (Palestinians) steal the Ark of the Covenant and soon become very sorry for having done so!

    Unlike in Raiders of the Lost Ark, in which Allah melts the faces off the Nazis (which was also pretty funny), in 1 Samuel, he afflicts the Palestinians with haemorrhoids.

    “The hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods … he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts.”

    But this humiliation of the Palestinians was by no means complete, even with the obligatory massacre accompanying this imaginative plague of arse grapes. The LORD, through the pagan Palestinian priests, forced the Palestinians to make solid-gold statues of their Harry Styles and give them to the Jews. That was one direction they didn’t forget in a hurry!

    Over to you. Is there any doubt that Yahweh/Allah is the greatest comedian of all time? Do the likes of George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Rodney Dangerfield and Rodney Rude not tremble in the face of his comic stylings? What bit of the bible makes you laugh the most?

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    About The Author
    Arthur Durry Arthur Durry is a lively, inactive Australian whose interests include biblical exegesis, cricket and seafood. Formerly known as Exbrony, he was never a brony.

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