Is God the Original Prankster?
Bad news bear: A Syrian bear of the kind that God sent to massacre Jewish children for insulting his baldy prophet Elisha.
THE year is circa 560 to 540BC. The book is 2 Kings. The weather is apocryphal. Elisha, the hard-working prophet of the Christian god, is shuffling up the long and dusty road to the ancient near-eastern town of Bethel.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, comes a gaggle of hard, rough, flinty-eyed Jewish children. Small they are, swarthy of countenance, aquiline of nose and cruel of intent. Upon espying the hairless pate of the tireless man of God they snicker, nudge each other and begin chanting:
“Go up, thou bald head! Go up, thou bald head!”
It is a heartless taunt, for truly Elisha, this devoted servant of HaShem, is bald of bonce and nude of nut. He possesses nary a hair to embarrass his exposed scalp.
And still the mockery comes:
“Go up, thou bald head! Go up, thou bald head!”
Now, as all good Christians know, El (aka Yahweh, aka Jehovah, aka Allah) is a kind, compassionate, forgiving god who has permanent copyright on the term “omnibenevolent”. But will he simply stand by and allow his chosen mouthpiece to be insulted by this rag-tag rabble of snotty-nosed Hebrew brats? These kids that the sacred King James Version of the Bible calls “little children”?
Nuh-uh!
Watch what happens when Elisha spits the dummy and curses thosee “little children” in the name of the LORD in 2 Kings 2:24:
“And there came forth two she-bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.”
Pow! The joke is now on those stupid kids! In a divinely inspired stunt worthy of the third-millennium MTV comedy series Pranked, El (aka Yahweh, aka Jehovah, etc) arranged for two female bears, probably of the species Ursus arctos syriacus, to tear open no fewer than 42 children from arsehole to breakfast.
The wailing and gnashing of teeth of their bereaved parents must surely have been drowned out by the laughter of onlookers who suddenly, happily, had to acknowledge that El (aka Yahweh) truly was the Cosmic Comedian, the Original Prankster.
This hilariously justified massacre of small Jewish children is just one of many biblical examples of El (aka Jehovah) showing his humorous side, much to the sorrow of his deserving victims.
Take the story of Jepthah’s daughter in Judges 11-30:39, in which El (aka Allah) tricks his own holy warrior, Jepthah, into burning his daughter as a human sacrifice!
Jepthah never saw that coming, but we all did. After all, when you inexplicably vow unto the LORD that “whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the Lord’s, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering”, you can bet your bottom shekel that what comes bounding out your door won’t be Mr Nibbles the faithful corgi! After all, isn’t god the Original Prankster?
Funnily enough, the most priceless example of divine comedy in the Christian bible comes not from the slaughter of children but from the affliction of — you know it! — haemorrhoids.
All members of the Christwire fellowship have split their sides many a time at the hilarious goings-on in 1 Samuel, in which the Philistines (Palestinians) steal the Ark of the Covenant and soon become very sorry for having done so!
Unlike in Raiders of the Lost Ark, in which Allah melts the faces off the Nazis (which was also pretty funny), in 1 Samuel, he afflicts the Palestinians with haemorrhoids.
“The hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods … he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts.”
But this humiliation of the Palestinians was by no means complete, even with the obligatory massacre accompanying this imaginative plague of arse grapes. The LORD, through the pagan Palestinian priests, forced the Palestinians to make solid-gold statues of their Harry Styles and give them to the Jews. That was one direction they didn’t forget in a hurry!
Over to you. Is there any doubt that Yahweh/Allah is the greatest comedian of all time? Do the likes of George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Rodney Dangerfield and Rodney Rude not tremble in the face of his comic stylings? What bit of the bible makes you laugh the most?
** NEW COMMENTERS PLEASE NOTE: Comments from new accounts automatically go into moderation until one of them is approved by a Christwire author. Once one comment is approved all your subsequent comments should appear immediately.
I do my best to approve comments on my stories, but most of the other authors are too busy doing the LORD’s work to concern themselves with such things. – Arthur
- Sinful
- Suspicious
- Scared
- Sad
- Amused
- Laughing Out Loud
Author: Arthur Durry
Arthur Durry is a lively, inactive Australian whose interests include biblical exegesis, cricket and seafood. Formerly known as Exbrony, he was never a brony.
12:29 pm
How the Fu.ck do you post an article? I might just have a few ideers 4 postin’.
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12:35 pm
I hear they are allowing public submissions again later this week, but I could be wrong. If you are a liberal though please don’t bother writing because I don’t want to spend time making you look bad and shoving all your ‘points’ back at you.
This is a family values site and only articles that we need to see are the facts and truth. If you like Metalcore music, you naturally don’t realize the dangers of Satan and how he can hide in every note an instrument plays (even if you can call Metalcore music).
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1:10 pm
I’m a Christian…And I can be fairly perceptive at times that most other Chistians can’t…
Which is just what this site needs. Perceptive articles.
Not like this mess.
I’d rather be controversial with athiests than with Christians…
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1:42 pm
I can do way better than this piece of…of…sacrilege.
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5:16 pm
Well, MCF, 19 of the 21 comments on this story so far — more than 90 per cent — are by you, and not a single one of them addresses the substance of the story in any way.
That must be some kind of record.
I would ask you to explain what you didn’t like about the story, but I’m sure I’d just get a flood of stupid pony memes in response.
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7:18 pm
You won’t get stupid pony memes, I only send them when they are needed.
I’ll explain later
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7:28 pm
However…
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4ekbyGas31rvvk77o1_500.png
Yeah, I know. I’ll tell you why I don’t like your article…Just not now. I’m busy and you can post dozens of memes in a hurry.
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7:36 pm
Why are you so doggedly fatuous?
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8:59 pm
I wasn’t being fatuous, I was making a simple point.
YOUR article on the other hand, was a fatuous piece of trash.
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9:30 pm
How is it fatuous to celebrate the word of the LORD?
Was it fatuous when God sent the bears to kill all those kids?
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9:32 pm
Either way I would just like 1 simple answer to 1 simple question…
…How the hell did you manage to post that?!
I don’t care for what’s in it, but the fact that you got it on the site successfully astounds me. I can’t figure out how to upload/post an article.
How do you?
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9:33 pm
So you don’t like ponified memes? You never should have told me that…
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9:38 pm
Well I’m hardly inclined to tell you since you have done nothing but fill up this entire thread with fatuous comments that do not address my article in any way.
But…
Public submissions are disabled at the moment. Pastor Gould has seen fit to grant me official ChrisTwire author privileges, so I can put my own articles up on the Holy Site directly.
If you think you have something to offer you can try contacting Pastor Gould at the Holy Mailbox. Don’t expect him to reply immediately, though. He’s a very busy man.
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9:42 pm
“You never should have told me that…”
I hope that you aren’t going to be so immature as to make a mess of the site by spamming it with links to pony pictures. Nobody will ever click the links anyway.
Remeber, posting comments here is a privilege. You should conduct yourself in the same way as you would were you actually in the homes of Pastor Gould or Brother Mike.
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7:39 pm
I’m not going to be immature. I’ve honed the talent…
You have to post the right meme at the right time.
You ever love memes or you HATE memes…LOL, I don’t think that you like them…
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7:43 pm
Okaaaay…Why do you expect me to talk about the subject of your article? Hardy anyone esle ever does.
A bear killing kids ain’t a prank or a joke.
I disregard waht isn’t worth reading.
You’re trying to make the Bible look funny. Not worth my time.
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7:47 pm
I prefer material that is worthy of my eyes. That article was sub-par on every level.
Now, on to a better subject than that travesty…
I’m the only commenter today…LOL.
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10:22 pm
“Why do you expect me to talk about the subject of your article?”
Because you have made 30 comments complaining about it without offering a single cogent criticism.
I really don’t see your problem with the article.
You believe that God did all these things as stated in the Bible, and you believe that he was right to do them.
Don’t you believe that God has a sense of humour? Why use bears to kill children when he could have used a lightning bolt? Why afflict the Philistines with haemorrhoids, of all things?
Bears and haemorrhoids are inherently funny. Nobody knows that better than God.
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10:58 pm
I’m SO semi-bored now…I have stopped listening to metal and all forms of music I like…
…In order to isolate my writing ideas from other peole’s music…
I’ve stopped writing for awhile, too.
I’m 55+ (I think) songs in to writing and needed as break. You can only do so much, anyway…
…Gooodbye songwriting for a while.
That ought to make things better. The temporary songwriting insanity had spilled over in to other parts of my life where it was totally unwanted…Like commenting…
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11:02 pm
Do you play a musical instrument?
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11:05 pm
I tried guitar, but in the end piano was the instrument that I was able to pick up with more ease. Worked for 1 bad year at guitar and got nowhere.
I’m making better progress with the piano…I’d like to get to the point where I can write my own music, not just lyrics. I’m working at it…
It is 100000000000000000000% harder to write a tuneless song. You have to look at it like a poem and when you have your mind fogged by other peoples songs…You are getting nowhere.
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11:07 pm
It is 100000000000000000000% harder
…I was basically going crazy…1 or 2 songs per night…AND work on my screenplay…That took up until…like, 2:45 at least…
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11:13 pm
It’s a pity you couldn’t get a bit of a handle on the guitar.
What was the problem? Could you not make the chords, or could you not change between chords?
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12:34 pm
It was overall being-ready that caused me to stop guitar. When I master piano, I’ll be much more competent for guitar…AKA, quicker. I’ll be able to read the music and play it at the same time without getting in a big mess.
Piano was a better 1st instrument for me. Guitar WILL come later…
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1:11 pm
I said: 55+ songs.
I counted them last night…There were exactly 55…I am going to pick 15 of the best to use for one whole set. The rest will be set aside…
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8:18 pm
“It was overall being-ready that caused me to stop guitar”
I don’t know what that means. You could always just play barre chords and slide them up and down the neck.
That would at least let you make a frame to hang your lyrics on. And it’s how a lot of rock and punk rhythm guitar is played anyway.
You still didn’t answer that baseball bat question BTW.
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8:20 pm
On the athiests thread? THAT baseball bat question?…???
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1:54 pm
If you like Metalcore music, you naturally don’t realize the dangers of Satan and how he can hide in every note an instrument plays…
…And in every word a keyboard types…
Gotta watch out 4 them dangers o’ satan…Yep.
LOL. Dangers of satan? You DO have a point there. We must be careful about what messages we are taking in when we listen to music…However, your personal taste in music does not mean certain other kinds of music are bad.
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1:56 pm
I am like this:
http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/good-guy-metal-head.jpg
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1:58 pm
http://www.stuffistumbledupon.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Brutal-Death-Medaller-metal-head-meme-lol-lulz-funny-joke-cartoon.jpg
Not this.
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1:59 pm
Oh yeah…
http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/metal-heads-what-i-actually-do.jpg
That’s a good one.
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2:01 pm
http://ct.fra.bz/ol/fz/sw/i52/5/3/22/frabz-Being-a-Metalhead-What-my-friends-think-I-do-What-my-mom-thinks–2cebf6.jpg
This expresses it SO well…
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2:07 pm
http://ct.fra.bz/ol/fz/sw/i51/5/5/15/frabz-METALHEADS-The-greatest-of-friends-the-best-of-family-fd22f0.jpg
The truth…
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3:43 pm
I’m conservative so I’m sure I’ll be the one to please…I won’t be as shocking as you can…That’s for sure, but I’ll be conservative. I want to post a more collected statement of what the conservative body of Americans are REALLY about…
Just if you were wondering.
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11:03 pm
so you don’t care about Freedom of speech Adam ? if it’s so yous ee No problem as we can shut down this site forever and saying shut up to every fundamentalist christian we see In politic or in the street protesting as well ?
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12:04 am
“you don’t care about Freedom of speech”
Millenium, if you write a letter to a newspaper, is the newspaper obliged to publish it?
No.
If the newspaper doesn’t publish your letter is that infringing on your freedom of speech?
No.
You don’t even understand the concept of freedom of speech.
“we can shut down this site forever”
No, you can’t. Laughing out loud!
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12:28 am
” If you are a liberal though please don’t bother writing because I don’t want to spend time making you look bad and shoving all your ‘points’ back at you.”
What you mean is you don’t want to admit just how much of a horrible human being you are considering your love of animal abuse as well as your disregard for women as equals and your racist and homophobic views on the rest of society.
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12:59 am
That is not what Dr Nelson meant, and you know it.
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2:12 am
No, that’s exactly what he meant. He hates anyone who isn’t a straight white republican christian man, and instead of hearing about human decency or just why he’s wrong, he’d rather go ‘lalala’ and call people stupid.
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2:15 am
“instead of hearing about human decency or just why he’s wrong, he’d rather go ‘lalala’ and call people stupid.”
That’s not my experience.
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2:53 am
Your experience is largely being a hypocrite.
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3:06 am
Strongly disagree.
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3:16 am
Stealing Bruce’s schtick when you’ve got nothing else to say?
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3:36 am
Only borrowing it. Laughing out loud!
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3:43 am
Well, at least you admit that you’re a brain-dead idiot. I guess THAT’S something.
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3:51 am
When will you stop putting words in other people’s mouths?
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4:00 am
When you decide you’re going to be an intelligent human being and not a pretentious asshole and side with Cultwire when you don’t even believe in Jesus and apparently believe in equal rights of others.
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4:11 am
Neither the fact that there is an utter lack of contemporary attestation to the existence of the Jesus figure of the gospels nor the fact that I think the Christ myth hypothesis provides the best explanation for that fact says anything about whether or not I believe in Jesus.
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12:37 pm
Ex and L.N. at battle. It’s fun to sit on the sidelines and watch…And not get involved.
LOL. For somereason, all for exbrony in these nice, decent, and happy fireside chats…
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8:13 pm
Is it because LN has no sense of humour?
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8:17 pm
It’s L.N.’s entire modus operandi and demeanor.
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12:30 pm
Angry again.
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12:59 pm
I don’t see what a Megadeth song has to do with anything.
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1:05 pm
YAY!!!
I went fishing for someone who knew about metal songs and I FOUND one!!!
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1:08 pm
Sees song: That’s Megadeth!
Tells me about it…Me:
http://static.tumblr.com/wdymrsy/eaqm9uhzm/mlp9242_-_applejack_meme_my_little_pony_friendship_is_magic_tagme_wizard.jpg
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1:45 pm
Megadeth has something to do with just about everything….
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3:26 pm
I really was angry…Again.
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1:11 pm
I read the article and was enraged. LOL.
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1:40 pm
If you haven’t done so already, you ought to look up Killswitch Engage’s new single “In Due Time”
Jesse Leach is back in the band and he is a devout Christian and can write GREAT lyrics that come from a Christian worldview.
Give it a try.
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1:44 pm
Reads article…Me:
http://images.wikia.com/nexusadventures/images/7/7a/Mlp-my-little-pony-meme-bronies-pinkie-shocked-and-disgusted-800×554.jpg
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3:33 pm
I need to write another “angry and thirsty for vengeance” metal lyric afetr reading this article…
…Hmm…How should it start…Maybe something like this…oops…The idea I got was a 5fdp song…
This ought to be more original…
rrRRAAGH!!! GO!!!
(Actually, nevermind…That song was fairly unkind…This common for a metal grind…)
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10:59 pm
I need to aCTUALLY ADRESS THE ARTICLE…Arghh…Why can’t i do thiswd/ sn lsngrlb’fu.k grr…goingchraczy
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11:07 pm
It’s because the only contention you can possibly make is “They’re not funny stories! They’re serious business!”
The fact that you believe these stories to be true and God’s behaviour in them to be perfectly justified rather limits your options.
You might just have to let this one slide. When I write the sequel you might have to led that slide too.
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12:38 pm
I might…BUT, people DO tend to get bored of series articles…
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1:10 pm
Change of mind…The article isn’t horrible…Sorrr for the previous defamatory comments…
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8:12 pm
Wow. What made you change your mind?
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8:15 pm
I don’t know…Couldn’t tell you if I wanted to.
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9:36 pm
What stories should I do for the next in the series?
Maybe Genesis 34, where the sons of Jacob make the Hivites circumcise themselves and then massacre them when they’re laid low with infected p*nises. That was comedy gold!
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11:19 pm
Why do I not recall this…? I just read Genisis not all that long ago…
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4:19 pm
How many will be in the series…?
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8:22 pm
As many as there need to be, I guess…
I also have to do one asking whether Satan is the Original Prankster.
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8:22 pm
And whether Paul was an imposter or a fictional character.
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4:55 pm
One might wonder if you are one…
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4:32 pm
This ought to be my last comment with this account…I totally changed my e-mail adress and made a new account.
The new comments are in moderation…That was how my old one got started, too, though…I may finally be able to use a picture…I chose a cool one, too.
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7:18 pm
Non L_O_L, comments are not posting. Fuc.k.
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7:19 pm
If THAT posts…Well…I’ve gotnothng to say for myself…
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7:20 pm
got nothing
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11:20 pm
Nothing.
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8:11 pm
Comments in moderation never get published. There are currently almost 6000 in the queue and nobody moderates them.
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8:14 pm
How do you know how many comments are in the queue?
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9:13 pm
When I log in to post stories it shows me the stats. I can read comments in moderation but I don’t think I can publish them.
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9:23 pm
I wonder who can…Pastor Gould?
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9:31 pm
I’m sure he can, but I doubt it’s something that he actually does. He doesn’t have much time to spend on the site these days.
If you’re talking about your own comments, the best thing to do is just type them in again.
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10:35 pm
Maybe Christwire should apppoint a moderator…At least to deal with acount issues…
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8:18 pm
I’ve had comment that went to moderation and posted eventually…Some do and others don’t. Who has the ability to moderate comments?
Can any author moderate them?
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8:12 pm
There, done.
http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/330/0/e/my_little_pony_macabre___rainbow_dash_by_goldbryn-d4hex14.jpg
This is would be my picture…For a while…I’m not sure if it’s quite appropriate for all audiences…
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7:21 pm
I think that my new picture is fairly ironic.
I think that I’m ruining this thread.
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2:19 pm
Yep, the one about getting those dolts to circumcise themselves, then… Well, I don’t want to spoil the joke!
But how about Yahweh’s first practical joke? It’s hilarious! Reminds me of that episode of Candid Camera where they put a kid in a room alone and say, “Don’t eat that cake”, (or cookie, or whatever it was). No talking snake needed with kids, right? Just goes to show, the best ones never get old.
Of course, Yahweh often takes the joke a little farther than I might, but that’s His prerogative.
Please do more! There’s tons of material, and I think it would make a great series.
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9:32 pm
Those idiots from Shechem! “On the third day, when they were sore…” Laughing out loud!
Yes, there are plenty of funny stories like that. I most make another compilation,
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11:29 am
Wow! You guys call yourself religious? Swearing and insulting people on the web? Hhhmmm…
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3:59 pm
The bear was probably sent out to kill people like you as kids, but messed up and killed the wrong ones.
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